Sunday, April 25, 2004

100 Unique Reprisals

Being the well-traveled international man of mystery that I am ("about me" file soon to come), I have friends in all manner of exotic places. The following is a guest blog from a dear friend of mine from Palestine. Times are hard for Hamas as of late, and as you'll see from my friend's letter, it's not getting any easier.

Dear Mr. Pooper and friends

First of all, I hope you are all in the best of health, despite the fact that you are all fornicating mongrel dogs who will burn for eternity in the fiery lake of burning sulphur.

By the way, I started that new, how you say, Atkin diet. I've already lost 2 inches on my waistline. My wife is quite pleased. I have to say though, that eating nothing but goat meat and cheese for last month has really played havoc with you say, smoothly shit delivering ability. I spent so much time on toilet last morning I had to say my morning prayers to Allah while on the toilet, which is very hard because the direction of Mecca is opposite of the way my bathroom toilet is facing.

But anyway, listen to me just go on and on like camel taking an infinitely long pee. I get to the point now.

As you know, we, the remaining leaders of the Hamas organization, claimed that we would commit 100 unique reprisals on the Israeli devil bastards in retribution for slaying yet another one of our beloved leaders.

However, I got to admit, we finding it a little harder to come up with that many different ideas than we first had thought. I explain.

We started off with a lot of steam. We had plans to kidnap Israel scum and hang them from bridges by their sexual organs, strap bombs on 7-year-old Arab girls dressed up as girl scouts selling cookies, lace letters from Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes with anthrax (those greedy Jews ALWAYS have to open any letter that says they won a shitload of money), and dozens more.

Oh, by the way, Mohamed had great idea of packing the bombs with used razor blades and shards of Coke and Pepsi bottles; you know, reusing waste material you otherwise just throw away. Killing Jews and helping out the environment at the same time: who can beat that?

So with material like this we were feeling quite confident we get up to 100 easily, so we told our spokesperson, Eshan, to go public with it and sell it big.

But when we actually get around to sitting down and writing up the 100 ideas the creative juices just did not flow like we hoped they would (not unlike my toilet story above).

Around #26, we realized the new ideas we were coming up were either simply impractical, like the idea to build super big slingshot and send bombs over the separation barrier and the 10,000 exploding cigars idea from Amaan, or they are not really all that new, but just variations on the early ones. For example, #19 is a pretty good one where we take a goat bladder, fill it full of gasoline, spray the inside of bus ticket booths and set the molester of mongrel dogs Israeli inside on fire, just like in that Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson movie (forget the name, but not the basketball one, which was also very good--stupid non-jumping white men...). But then #42 was basically the same thing but now we were just spraying the gasoline under restroom stall doors and lighting up Israelis while they are, how you say, taking the dump. Can you really say that is different enough to be unique? Maybe no.

Then old Aadil spoke up and started his usual talk about praying to Allah for swarms of locusts and other plagues to afflict the Jews and he insisted on putting these on the list. There is always a bit of awkward silence when Aadil starts talking like that. I mean, no one can really say that that cannot happen because then you look like you doubt the almighty power of Allah, but let us face it: Allah has not exactly been bending over backwards to come up with any miracles for us lately. I mean, shit, the Jews kicked our collective Muslim asses in a six-day war, for hell sake. Six fucking days! How can you have your ass kicked worse than that? Allah is great and everything…but damn, can He not throw us bone every now and then?

Well, then we started to get tired and I guess we got a little silly. Amaan, always the jokester, came up with an idea we thought was pretty good at the time, which was #44. Basically, you load up a 16 year-old with a bomb belt and have him knock on the door of a Jewish settler and say the following:

Suicide Bomber: Knock knock
Cursed Jew settler: Who is there?
Suicide Bomber: Not you. BOOM!

Well, I know it does not seem like such funny thing now, but it was really funny at the time and we could not stop laughing for like 10 minutes. But now in the light of day it just gets a sort of embarrassed smile from us and we decided to scratch it from the list.

I am afraid to say it got even worse from there. Number 49 was bomb-strapped belly-dancers that popped out of big cakes at Jewish bachelor parties, number 51 was bomb laden squirrels (it was either squirrels or rats, we debated that for longest time), and Numbers 53-58 all involved gorilla suits (which we actually do have, by the way).

So maybe we are going to have to go back on that 100 unique reprisal threat a little. We are sorry but you know how people can shoot their mouths off when they are really upset about something and besides, we are under a lot of pressure to always come up with bigger and bolder threats. So is it too much for you all to cut us the slack?

But do not get me wrong, my Godless infidel friend; I am not saying that the whole thing is big loss. We still have some great ideas and really, after we get up past #40, who is really going to be counting anymore anyway?

Ok. I finish. Now go back to all your stupid China posts or whatever stuff you do over there.
Take care and may Allah bless you by killing you painlessly and quickly,

Abu Rahman "Rahmana" Dhana al-Fattah

PS Why you no post pictures of Asian harlots like the other bloggers over there? You think peoples will come to your blog just for your "insights?" Tits equal the hits, as they are saying.

PPS chance are you knowing if Sharon is reading your blog? Maybe I should not putting my name...

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