Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Merry Christmas with Yahoo Korea

Tis the season for giving, so allow me to pass on the gift that I've been enjoying for several months now. I use a Yahoo account and, without warning, I was switched over to the Korean Yahoo site a while back. At first I was annoyed, but then I realized that the Korean Yahoo site is an excellent source of Asian soft porn.

If you click on the 연예 tab (apparently the Korean translation for 'cleavage') they provide daily slide shows of various Korean celebrities. Or to be more exact, Korean celebrities with big boobs.

Here's the slide show they had today. [Sorry, they've changed it. You'll just have to believe that it really was there.]It gets very Christmassy a few pictures in, though that dress looks to have been made with a much, much larger cup size in mind.


A nice feature is the 'play' function, which will scroll through the pictures automatically for you, leaving your hands free for whatever else you might need them to do (like, I don't know, knitting a sweater, or perhaps whittling). Those Yahoo guys at the Korean office have really thought of everything.

Enjoy...

Monday, November 17, 2008

The future

Robert at the Hole has translated portions of a Chosun article on predictions for Korea.

I'm sure not even one of you has already been to the Hole lately. Please go over and have a look. Robert needs more visitors. You'll also find a great advertisement to help you meet Korean girls, and another for funny T-shirts, which I'm sure will also help you score with the ladies.

Cause God knows us white guys need all the help we can get over here.

Speaking of predictions, just in case any of you were wondering how the World's Greatest Psychic fared in her predictions for 2007, wonder no more.



Montel Williams gave this hag a forum for her unethical bullshit for years. Montel was a marine before becoming a media whore. He has sat through years and years of Sylvia giving wrong prediction after wrong prediction, but never hesitated having her back on the show. Hal Bidlack, a retired Lt. Colonel from the air force, wrote an open letter to Montel asking him what has happened to his honor as a marine.

I have two Korean female friends who regularly go to fortune tellers. Both know I am vocal about my disbelief in this crap, so every time they think they get some amazing results from their fortune tellers they come running to me to justify their superstition. I've asked them to record the conversation with the fortune teller rather than rely on their memory of what was (and especially of what actually wasn't) said, but they never seem to get around to it. Truth is, they just don't really want to know.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Poetry Corner: The Thing that Should Not Be

"Bak Jun Koo stands stock still, he is a dead meat, he turns all the joy of his family frozen into horror..."

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Secret! A-ha!

Funniest thing I've seen all month:



'You should visualize them back!"


A friend of mine read The Secret last February and gushed on and on about it. She said that now that she has The Secret, she KNEW that she should quit her company and try to get into law school (she hated her job).

A month later I heard from her again. She had a back injury that put her in a number of hospitals (including a famous acupuncture 'hospital', but we'll save that trip down quackery lane for a future post) and is still a big problem for her now. She was in too much pain to study for law school, so she gave up on it. She'll have to resign from her company if she isn't able to get back to work soon (about a year is all they will give her off from work). She started going back to work a week ago even though she is still in a lot of pain.

So clearly The Secret has worked out pretty well for her.

My theory is that the acupuncturists at the hospital she ended up going to were also reading The Secret, and visualized thousands of suckers suddenly having back problems and coming to their clinic for months and months of expensive therapy. Their visualization Kung Fu simply overrode that of my friend.




Something like that also might explain why Song Hye Kyo still hasn't slept with me, despite the fact that I've visualized such for several weeks now.


Perhaps too many other Secret readers have made this same "demand on the universe," and I just need to wait my turn patiently.

Oh, but she WILL be mine...



Second funniest thing I've seen all month:



"Gonna kick some ass with my own pipe wrench!"

Great vocals. I would love to see this same thing done with some cheesy heavy metal videos from the 80s.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Open Letter to Dokdoisours

Link me you whore! Link me NOW!

And if you think you have HALF the zeal for Dokdo's absolute Coreanness as I do, you are seriously, if not fatally, mistaken. Have you ever asked yourself why I don't update so often these days? YOU try to type a post with only 3 working fingers and 7 bloody stumps! That's how we play on THIS side of the EAST Sea, mo fo!

PS. I keep getting the emails I wrote you (all 84 of them) returned to me. You might want to check your spelling on the 'suck_on_it@not_a_real_address.com' email address you posted.

Finally, this is a video that I made to show the softer side of my love for The Rocks. I played the piano for this piece also, which was no easy feat (see above).

Did you know that there's a mailbox on Dokdo?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Guns and Roses

If you only watch one Guns and Roses video this year, let it be this one.



I never saw them live, but I did see one of their concerts on MTV. Axel Rose didn't sing quite as well as he did in the above video.

Seriously.

Still waiting for that new Axel Rose solo CD to come out. Should be any year now.

Monday, September 29, 2008

God Damns Jun-Koo BAK

The people have a right to know.

Summary of Jun-Koo BAK

Birthday(Lunar): 24 Jul 1935
Height: 173 cm; 5'7"
Weight: 68kg; 150 lb

Skills: Make others suffer from him; Make others scare of him; Make others hate him; Make others angry with him; Put others glory on himself as if hiw own when he spoke of others success and wealth; He is keen on telling lies; keen on threating others; making others slave for him by force but he himself knows nothing and does nothing.

Residence: Busan, South Korea

Interests: Abuse, Alcohol, sex, violence

Hobbies: Threats relatives, beats close relatives, abuse maid, blame others always, never repent, never apology, never self-exam, do nothing at all but using the others to pay for his expenses

Attributes: Sin, mental disorder, horrible manner, disgusting behaviour, full of hatred in his blood & etc

Friday, August 15, 2008

Sloganizer

Found this old post saved as a draft. After prayerful consideration, I decided to post it even though some of the blogs it mentions are now gone or transmogrified into something else.


Seouliva turned me on to the sloganizer. Type in your blog name and it comes up with a slogan. Here's the best I came up with for me bloog.



Pure Pooper, Pure Power



Better than 'Dynamic Wellbeing of Blog'? Maybe not, but not bad.



Typed in some other blogs around the 'hood. Some of the better results:



Big Hominid
'Don't play with fire, play with Big Hominid'
Go farther with Big Hominid

'I wish I was a Big Hominid'
    
   [who doesn't?]



About Joel
Joel can do
You better get inside Joel

    [Hey, I'm just reporting on what it said]
I quit smoking with Joel
     [Nomad, take notice]



Lost Nomad



Lost Nomad: To hell with the rest
          ['nuff said]



Marmot's Hole
Marmot's Hole: You see this name, you think dirty
         [Again, I'm just reporting results here]
Feel good with Marmot's Hole
         [Not going to touch this one...]
I want Marmot's Hole and I want it now!
       [starting to realize why Robert wanted to change the name of his megablog a while back...]



Cathartidae
My way is Carthartidae
       [good ring to that one]



igot2shoes
Call a friend, I got 2 shoes
The igot2shoes effect



Mayhaps in the near (if not extremely distant) future I'll find and post the missing link to the sloganizer and try a few more blog names that are dear to my heart. Being an even more half-assed post than my usual offerings of late, I might even throw in some random pictures of scantily-clad females, just to soothe the raging masses.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Name this Differently Abled Korean

Update: And we have a winner of the first (and possibly last) Name this Differently Abled Korean contest. Joshua/iouse of The Western Confucian fame nailed it with the answer of Seo Kyoung-duk. A porterhouse steak will be promptly eaten on his behalf (medium-rare, unless otherwise requested).

Feeling generous, I've decided to give consolation prizes to the other two people who commented on this post: A Wendy's single with cheese for 'anonymous' who came very close to guessing at least the family name (the odds were with you, but that's how it goes sometimes), and finally, an Arby's beef and cheddar to the Nomad. True, he didn't even venture a guess, but hey, this is the Nomad we're talking about here and besides, Arby's is having a 4 beef and cheddars for $5 special right now.

As always, here at the Party Pooper everyone is a winner.

So back to the DAK of the day/month/year or whatever it will end up being. Seo Kyoung-duk is the 'Korea Publicist' who uses his own money to put ads in publications such as the New York Times informing all Americans of the Dokdo issue. He is now promoting a documentary on that Rock of All Rocks called, Hi, Dokdo, which he hopes to unleash on international film festivals.

Yes, the title is 'Hi, Dokdo'. Can't get much more differently abled than that.

In the article, Kyoung-duk is referred to as an 'active Korea publicist'. I like that. It definitely sounds a lot better than 'a 34 year-old unemployed single man who still lives with his mother'.

A choice quote from the article

The Washington Post’s advertising department also contacted Seo, saying ads in that paper would also have a far-reaching effect. "Advertisers must queue up for a spot in a major daily like the Post. Why would they call me? I felt such a sense of accomplishment," Seo said.


I think Seo needs to answer his own question: Yes, why WOULD they call you? Is it really because they feel the Dokdo issue is that important? Or could it be that the print newspaper industry has been in a downward spiral for the last decade to the point that they have to go out and aggressively solicit advertising, especially from people willing to pay for entire page spreads? Sounds to me like they know a sucker when they see one.

Here is the Hi, Dokdo! website. Most of it is still under construction, but you can click here to learn the rich Korean history about Dokdo that sites like this try in vain to counter, constantly resorting to the low tactic of trying to confuse readers with a barrage of unillogical facts. Shameless.

The title of this piece (and the last paragraph) suggests that Koreans put up a new building every time Japan provokes them on the issue of the island's sovereignty. You can always count on the Chosun Ilbo to come out with the most batshit insane 'solution' in these types of 'national crises'.

Okay then.

Original Post

ROK Drop runs a regular 'Korea Finder' contest every now and then. I'd like to steal and improve on that idea by running a 'Name this Differently Abled Korean' competition.



The first person to name this differently abled Korean will have a US beef hamburger (or any other beef product) eaten in their name (by me) from the fast food restaurant of his or her choice (except McDonald's).

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Half-assed post for July: Why Jeolla Province Sucks

Jelly of the famous "I've Got Two Shoes; What the Hell do YOU got, Bitch?" blog (typed the blog name from memory; it may be "I Got" rather than "I've Got") has sent a comment demanding a new post and so here I am. By the way, be sure to see her recent post on pork rectum. You're my kind of girl, Jelly.

Currently I'm in the States so perhaps that is why Corea hasn't been on my mind so much. (mental note: write an extremely angry to Blogspot for having a spell checker which tells me 'Corea' is spelled incorrectly. Japanese dick-sucking Nazis...) I'm conducting research which basically consists of me sitting in a room eating roughly 20 pounds of American beef a day with the windows and door shut and a large fan running nonstop. It's Day 17 now and I'm still alive and relatively sane. The formal research question is, "Is a significant portion of Coreans really as dumb as we think?" I haven't run the statistics yet, but thus far, the empirical evidence seems to be suggest yes.

Jelly, as I recall, lives down in Busan. I've lived there before and I think it's a nice enough place. The weather is nice, no yellow dust, and the food is good. Gyeongsang Province men can sometimes be uncultured, obnoxious dicks, but usually in a good natured way. I'd rate the province a B+ overall.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Now let's talk about Jeolla Province.

What a hole.

Gyeongsang people detest Jeolla people (and vice-versa). One might question why this should be so, as on the surface they seem to be quite similar. Some researchers conclude that it is just a natural rivalry between neighboring provinces, while others point to recent Korean history in which most people in power in Korea were from the Gyeongsang Province and they neglected to develop Jeolla Province during Korea's economic buildup. However, the majority opinion among experts is that Jeolla people are just a huge collection of very low-self esteem, hot-headed dicks.

Jeolla has been a loser region for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Way back the Korean peninsula was divided into three kingdoms: Goguryeo, Silla, and Baekje. For a time, Silla was the dominant region and controlled the peninsula, and then later Goguryeo achieved dominance. Baekje, located in the area where modern Jeolla can be found, never even came close to ruling the peninsula. Baekje thus was the weakest part of a country that itself was historically dominated at one time by every country in Eastern Asia. So basically one could think of the Baekje-Jeolla region as having the status of a prison bitch's bitch.

Jeolla Province: The Korea of Korea.

Nearly all of Korea's historical achievements were made by Koreans from somewhere other than Jeolla. Jeolla folk's propensity for fucking up is astounding. In the Korean War, they were the only people dumb enough to think that maybe communism was the way to go. Doopid.

Want something to do that will only take about 30 seconds? Make a list of famous Koreans who came from Jeolla Province.

Actually, if you took the whole 30 seconds, there's probably something wrong with you.

Want to see my list? Here it is.

1. Kim Dae Jung

2. Robert Kim.


That's it. A president best known for the disastrous Sunshine Policy which kept the North Korean despots in power for absolutely nothing in return, and a Korean-American caught selling military secrets back to Korea. That's the best they can do.

Just go to the wikipedia entry for Jeolla and read all of the people listed in 'Notable Personalities' .

Yeah, I'd never heard of that guy either.


Quick! Name all the top tourist sites in Korea!

See? Not one of the places on your list is anywhere near Jeolla (unless for some reason you put 'Someplace with a shitload of rice paddies and really angry protesters' on your list).

But to end on a positive note, I once went to Yeosu and we bought some pears and they were OK.

Now with this kind of well-researched post, I hereby formerly request that the good people at ROKdrop blog move my site link over to the 'Scholarly Korean' bloglist.

See y'all in August. I'll be sure and eat a juicy Black Angus steak for every one of you in the meantime.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Mad Korean Disease Spreads to America!

Big story here.

대한민국을 뜨겁게 달구었던 촛불의 함성이 뉴욕의 심장부에서도 힘차게 울려 퍼졌다.

Translation: "Korean's hot ramming candlelight battle cry is spreading through the heart of New York! "


Well it's about fucking time! Shake with fear Evil US Beef Industry! Shake!


Look! It's a white guy protesting as well! Vindication for Korea!

Again, we see the protocol of Korean photo-journalism properly followed: the smaller the demonstration, the more close-up the photo.

Naturally, they quoted the guy.

시위대에는 미국인들도 포함돼 시선을 끌었다. 델라웨어주에 사는 알렉스 뉴먼(32 컴퓨터 프로그래머)씨는 “한국친구를 통해 촛불시위가 맨해튼에서 열린다는 소식을 듣고 왔다. CNN을 통해 한국에서 광우병 쇠고기문제가 심각하다는 것을 잘 알고 있다. 촛불시위의 취지에 전적으로 공감한다”고 말했다.

Reliable Translation: "It was seen that Americans were included in the demonstration. Said Delaware resident Alex E. Neuman [Neuman!], "Through some Korean friends I heard that a candlelight demonstration was being held in Manhattan. Through CNN I know well that the mad cow disease beef issue is very serious. I totally sympathize with the goals of this demonstration. And besides, if this will help me finally get down Ji Hyun's pants, so much the better."

Got my daily dose of high quality Korean journalism on this 'hot ramming' issue this morning from Morning Wide on SBS. It gave about 15 minutes of coverage to the weekend protests, which consisted mostly of interviews with protesters. The issue was then carefully balanced with a few minutes of the Morning Wide hosts giving the other side of this story by saying such things as, "Gee, it really makes me proud to see so many young people active on this issue," and, "It hurts my heart to think of how much longer Korean citizens will have to suffer because of this."

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Choi Hong Man Exempt from Military Duty

Read all about it here.

The government office did not reveal the specific reason for his exemption, but it seems related with a tumor on his pituitary gland, which disallowed him to face Brock Lesnar last year.

Now, if the government doesn't reveal the specific reason, on what basis does the exemption 'seem' to be related to the pituitary gland problems?

In his first physical in 1999, he received a grade-4, which forces a draftee to be assigned to non-combat duty, and Choi, 27, reported to boot camp on April 21 of this year.

Are we to believe that Hong Man is not healthy enough to serve military duty even in a non-combat role, yet is OK to continue fighting in the ring? To me, the pituitary gland issue does not 'seem' to have anything to do with this at all.



Here's the picture that went with the piece. Nice hat. Good to see Choi is actively dispelling rumors that kicking opponents in the crotch is not the only physical contact he enjoys with the groins of other men.

He was supposed to undergo four weeks of basic military training at the camp but was ordered to return home three days later.

At that time, the administration office also declined to discuss his release, saying it should protect his private information.

Hmm...what could Choi have done that would get him sent home in just a few days that the administration felt it could not report? Don't ask, don't tell?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Paulina 쌩쑈

미수다 star Paulina has joined the protests against the import of US beef.


They loaded her up with a sign and a candle, told her which end of the candle to hold and where the media cameras would be, and set her loose.




Her sign reads, "Citizen Judgment: Lee Myong Bak."




In an interview she acknowledged that she's not actually a Korean citizen herself, but would do so if citizenship came with a guarantee of lucrative CFs (Konglish for commercials). "Hell, I'd suck off a Korean bull on live TV just to get half of the CF action my co-stars are getting," she (might as well have) said in the interview with "Professor" Jin Joong-kwon, a professor from...oh, I guess he doesn't have an actual position in an actual university if the netizen comments following this piece are correct. But I guess there's no law saying he can't still call himself a professor.


Here's a screen shot of Paulina's 'homep'. Why don't other K-bloggers link to this blog? I"m sure it has a very intellectual defense of her position on this very meaningful issue, chock full of statistical analyses and expert quotes following weeks of rigorous research.

What are we afraid of, THE TRUTH?




The comments following this media release were brimming with compliments. Here are a few I pulled out completely at random.

야 개뇬아 한국말부터 배우고와 물타기 하지말고 인기얻을라고 별 쌩쑈를 다하네

요즘 연예인들 대통령까는 말만하면 인기얻는다고 물타기하는 거자나

미수다 그 씨벩프로나 나오는 미췬뇬이네

저년이 언제부터 한국국민이였냐? 저년이 들고 있는 국민심판? 웃기지안냐? 저년이 언제부터 한국인 이였냐고

I'm sure her popularity will skyrocket and soon she'll be on a commercial for a Screw Bar or whatever the PD she sleeps with can find her. I wish her the best of luck on her Korean dream.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Post with no particular point

Three random photos I've collected over the past few days on Korea Yahoo.


Choi Jin-sil, Queen of all MILF



Kim Ye-jin: Breaking the Korean B Cup Barrier


Typical strong and independent western woman

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Choi Hongman and his little buddy


A cute story from Yahoo Korea. K-1 fighter Choi Hong-man has recently moved in with his best of all bestest friends, actor Kim Jeong-wook.

Photo: Choi Hong Man (the one with the flaming red hair) and his little "B-buddy" Kim Jeong-wook (the one resting his arm ever so snuggly in Choi Hong Man's crotch).


김정욱의 요리솜씨의 푹 빠진 최홍만이 배고플 때면 김정욱에게 "엄마~"라고 부르며 음식을 해달라고 애교를 부린다는 것이다.

[When hungry, Choi Hong Man, who has completely fallen for Kim Jeong-wook's cooking, charmingly calls out, "Mommy" to Jeong-wook and asks for food. ]

Now isn't that just the cutest thing you've heard all day?


The people who live around the happy couple say that the relationship between the two seems like 'mother and daughter.'

Not father and son, not like two frat boy beer drinkin' buddies, but like mother and daughter.


Perhaps someone with more imagination than I can tell us just what two guys have to do exactly to come across as having a 'mother and daughter' type relationship.
Mincing about arm in arm on their way to the beauty parlor? Spending the day shopping for clothes together? Having 찌찌봉 놀리 tease fights? (saw this kind of exchange between a Korean mother and her daughter on a Korean sitcom a while back, wondered if it was a common mother-daughter bonding ritual over here).


It's just a culture thing, right? Don't all the Korean guys we know have these kinds of relationships with each other?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Gender Genie and K-Bloggers



The newest weapon in the Gaywatch Korea Project's arsenal is the gender genie. This software, developed by linguists, can predict with 80% accuracy a person's gender simply by entering a sample of the person's writing (at least 500 words).



It should go without saying that the manhood of any male who scores "female" on this test is suspect. Now, I know, some of you PC brainwashed people out there will question this, but as I have clearly explained before the irrefutable logic behind this in my original Korean gaywatch post:



"... if a guy does anything like a girl , it means he
probably loves dick. That's just simple logic: Guy likes something that
usually only girls like, girls typically have sexual interest in male
penises, thus and ergo, that guy also likes penis (that is, a penis
other than his own, I mean, we all really love our own penises, there's
nothing gay about that)."



Some guy once made this claim that the above logic was "non-sequitur" or something like that. I'm not sure what that means, but I think any guy who uses French in an argument has just got to be gay.



So armed with this new technology, I decided to find out once and for all the true nature of my fellow bloggers here in Korea.



Prepare to be outted.



 



As a man of science, I feel in all fairness I must first apply this test on myself. My first choice was, naturally, to enter my "Gaywatch Korea" post. The results:

Female Score:
1308

    Male Score: 1664

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!


   



Hmm, a little too close for comfort. I hurriedly entered the text of one my manly fiskings (usacrime) and got the following:



 



Female Score: 856

    Male Score: 1356



Though I'd prefer the score to reflect more accurately my true raging hetero manliness, I guess I can live with that score.



I wondered what results Konglish would get, so I entered the text of my freebase 21 post a while back.

The results:

Female Score:
688

    Male Score: 1503



   
   

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!


   



Hmmm, Korea protestors with bad English are more male than I am? Despite quotes such as "Oh! see Jeong-son on the left with the pretty red manpurse? I am so envy!" and "Recognize the loveliness of our hats!!"?



Then I looked at the data realized that the word "this" was designated as a male word, and in the post I had all links to pictures titled "View this photo." I went through and deleted all of the links, and here is the new score:



Female Score: 688

    Male Score: 931



What a difference a word makes, huh? The male score dropped from 1503 to 931 just by taking out the link references. And yet nonetheless, the gender genie cannot be fooled.



Korbloggers on the hotseat



Next I turned my attention to the other members of the Korean blogging community who are nearly all white males between the ages of 25-40 (which, by the way, is also the general profile of serial killers in the US, but I digress).



Leone (or is it Simon?) from "Mincing with Myojung" was my first choice. Leone is out of the closet and doesn't hold back. If he gets a more manly score than I do, then I'm afraid to think of what that means. I put all of Leone's longer postings that are currently on his homepage (including the post on gay penguins), and here is what he scored:



Female Score: 646

    Male Score: 1168


   
   



The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!


   



What the fuck? Leone is more manly than I? This can't be!



Rather than question the irrefutable validity of my claims about the predictive power of the gender genie and its implications on sexual preference, I'm just going to dismiss this as an aberration and continue on as if it didn't happen at all.



 



Next on the hot seat is Big Hominid. I first entered one of his more recent religious posts. The score?



Female Score: 1230

    Male Score: 1270



   
   

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: (barely) male!



Fag.



Well, perhaps I rush to judgment too quickly. I ran an entry of Kevin's that was non-religious and got the following manly score:



Female Score: 791

    Male Score: 1046

Interesting. The same author gets radically different scores just based on the topic of his writing. This also confirms a hypothesis first proposed by one Andy Galanis, one of my former rocker dirt-bag friends from high school, who said, and I quote, "Religion is so gay." (I'm quoting from memory, I'm sure the word "dude" was in the original quote there somewhere)



Ok, Kevin, the Gaywatch project will let you off the hook this time, but I suggest you  write more posts about lusting after your co-workers just to reassure us all that you are properly manly.



I now turn my attention to Cathartidae, one of them American hating liberals. I entered the texts from most of his recent posts (there wasn't one post that was long enough), and here's his score:



Female Score: 706

    Male Score: 490



   
   

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: female!


   



Well, I see Arnold Schwarzenegger's quote about "girly men democrats" now has some empirical support.



But what does this make me? A closet Republican? I am so confusion...



But wait! Flying Yangban, a true Republican, got the following score on this post.



Female Score: 880

    Male Score: 402



   
   

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: female!



Oh dude, you're even gayer than a liberal! President Bush should officially return your vote. Lady Yangban will be crushed.



I think we have also clearly shown that political ideology has no effect on gender preference. Another false stereotype exposed by the party pooper!  This site continues to be a light unto the world, just as I had prophesized long ago.



[yeah, you heard me language nazi...]



Let us continue...
 



Other bloggers:



Marmot (I entered his post on "comment crackdown")

Female Score:
840

    Male Score: 1154



Clearly, Marmot still wears the pants in the K-blogger community.

Lost Nomad (post entered: "pop goes the kneecap")

Female Score:
673

    Male Score: 868

Hmm, that gap's a little too narrow methinks. I think Nomad's problem is that he's the only man in the family. Being surrounded by women will do that to you. Before you know it, you're helping out in the kitchen and watching Korean soap operas with the ladies. I suggest you spend less time with your family by drinking and fishing more.

Oranckay (hard to find a long post from the "link whore" of the K-blogger community, so I had to enter writings from several current posts on his homepage).



Female Score:
701

    Male Score: 1293



Appropriately manly, I must say. Confirms our earlier finding that you don't have to be conservative to be a true male.



About joel (several posts from his current front page)



Female Score: 489

    Male Score: 1227



Wow, the most manly of the lot thus far. Joel, your sheer overpowering masculinity just makes me tingly all over!



[now some may suspect my own heterosexuality from that last remark, but I just ran those two sentences through the gender genie and got this oh so manly score:



 Female Score: 0

    Male Score: 34



Ha!]



Blinger (who I think is still pouting because the automated webpage reviewer
clearly gave my website a more raving review than his. )

Female Score:
756

    Male Score: 1169



Not bad blinger, especially considering that you always write about education, which my old high-school friend Andy once called, "gay as hell."



But the award for the manliest of all manly men goes to Joshua over at Katolic Shinja
(two most recent postings analyzed)



Female Score: 491

    Male Score: 1782



Joshua, I hereby declare you the alpha male of the Korbloggers. We all tremble before your mighty manhood.



 






Comments on original blog post



Not pouting, just in denial.

Posted by: Blinger | May 21, 2005 at 07:12 PM

Religion isn't gay; it's happy.

Loved the outing. You'll have to run Thich Nhat Hanh's writings through the tester to see how gay a famous Zen Buddhist comes off.


Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | May 21, 2005 at 09:41 PM

I can do it myself, but you should include a few female Korea bloggers in your sample.

Posted by: kangmi | May 22, 2005 at 04:31 AM

Blinger: I told you, it's all in the URL length.

Kevin: To socially retarded adolescent misfits, anything happy is gay (it's like they've reverted back to the original meaning of the word in an ironic way, eh?).

Kangmi: Sorry, major oversight on my part. I put the contents of your latest posts into the gender genie and here is what came out:

Female Score: 515
Male Score: 835

Your secret is safe with us. ;)

Posted by: partypooper | May 22, 2005 at 06:13 AM

Yikes!

Posted by: kangmi | May 22, 2005 at 06:24 AM

Too late! I'm already helping out in the kitchen (minus the apron, of course - Mrs. Nomad won't share...).

LOL...

Posted by: Nomad | May 22, 2005 at 10:51 PM

My site has moved from blinger to EFL Geek (http://eflgeek.com) just incase anyone cares

Posted by: EFL Geek | May 23, 2005 at 10:17 PM

I did much better when I input text from my personal blog.

Still, it's a good thing I look like a girl.

Posted by: kangmi | May 24, 2005 at 04:50 PM

Blinger/EFL Geek: Updated the link. And now how might we address you? Mr. EFLgeek? Mr. EFLG? The artist formerly known as Blinger?

Kangmi-- It might be interesting to see what "male words" you tend to use. I suggest not using the word "this" anymore (it registers as a "male" word). When tempted to use the word "this," just substitute the phrase, "the object within my immediate proximity" instead, as in, "Would you like to use that pen or the pen which is within my immediate proximity?"

Very lady-like, don't you think?

Posted by: partypooper | May 25, 2005 at 05:20 AM

Yes, and I should avoid "something" in favor of "everything," "out" instead of "in," and "am" instead of "is."

It wouldn't be long until I was completely incomprehensible.

That would up my feminine quotient, wouldn't it?

Posted by: kangmi | May 25, 2005 at 07:34 AM

Scott,

all of the above? Actually one of my readers asked the exact same question in a comment. BTW, did you get my email about the KOrean blog? I haven't heard from you, so I'm guessing it ended up in your spam box. Basically register on my site, send me an email with your ID and then I'll change your permissions so you can post entries.

Posted by: EFL Geek | May 25, 2005 at 03:37 PM

I'm as gay as a goose but I'm a Male - Just!
Words: 537

Female Score: 915
Male Score: 1084

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!


Posted by: leone | May 26, 2005 at 07:23 AM

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Monthly quota half-assed post for May

First off, I wish to say that reports of the Party Pooper's demise have been greatly misexaggerated.

I've been quite busy with my usual nefarious scheming to undermine Korean society, just like all us other expats. Lately, those meddling kids at CALEE are making it harder and harder to operate. Not to worry though, we already have a very successful counterattack underway. Basically, just helping these kids get laid does wonders for getting them to spend less time obsessing over the sexual habits of foreigners.

Now just so no one gets the impression that the 16,000 members over at CALEE are simply racist and xenophobic, they do point out that they plan to "work on improving the bad images of foreigners, tarnished by a few illegal foreign nationals." Just visit their site and you can see all the various projects they have to do just that. I mean, I haven't actually found any, but I've only looked through 30 or so of their latest postings. I'm sure there were many before that.

Korea TV
I've posted on this topic before, but I have a few things to add. I often watch Korean TV in the morning while on the treadmill and catch Morning Wide (think Good Morning America, just with about 50% more fluff pieces). Every show I've seen has a segment on the Korean Wave and I guess this is just a regular segment right along with the daily traffic and weather reports (which do a very good job at keeping me posted on the daily temperatures of Dokdo, by the way). It's usually covering the latest Korean 'World Star' who makes a trip to Japan to promote a new CD or movie or simply go for some organized 'fan event.' They always start with the arrival in the airport, where literally dozens of Japanese fans are waiting to see them. The World Star is whisked away to the event where there are from 50 to several hundred homely Japanese women waiting to scream out 'oppa'.

Every time I see this, I always wonder why Koreans think this is so impressive.
I've seen scholars that no one outside of their particular field has ever heard about visit Asian countries and get these kinds of draws (with better looking women on average at that). Is this really the best they can do? Donnie and Marie Osmond get better draws than that in Japan and I don't think you could find 200 people even in Utah who would take time out of their busy day to see them.

Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised at all if at least half of all the attendees in these publicity events are just Korean expats in Japan attending out of a sense of patriotic duty to the motherland.

World Star Rain
Of course, the World Star of all World Stars in Korea is Rain. With the release of Speed Racer, I went to the film reviews to get an indication of how well he came off in the movie. Most reviews do not even mention him, but I found one that did. I'll let you all go and find out for yourselves what the reviewer had to say (hint: to save time, go to the article and do a key word search on 'Rain' or the word 'catastrophic').

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Asian Bird Flu Hits Korea

The Asian bird flu has been running amok lately in Korea. A few years back a research team from SNU claimed to have come up with a kimchi based vaccine that supposedly elminated the disease in infected chickens. The Korean media was all over it and the news spread abroad, despite the fact that the study authors admitted that more research was necessary.

So now that the bird flu is sweeping through Korea, where is this supposed vaccine now?

No follow-up study to the pilot ever came (the pilot study was done in 2006), which is very odd considering the flu has continued to wreak havoc in Asia. What did come though was a deal with SNU to send some special 'kimchi-feed' to an Indonesian zoo and LG came out with the an air conditioner that emitted kimchi fumes. Why wait for verification when there is money to be made, right?

So where is the follow-up study? Are we to believe they really didn't conduct one? Or is it far more likely to believe that they did and could not come up with the desired results? If the results did not pan out, then shouldn't this be reported so people realize doubling up on kimchi won't do jack diddly to prevent becoming infected? Or would that be against the national religion to admit that kimchi doesn't cure everything from gastric cancer to bad breath? Or would it just put a dent in the kimchi air conditioner sales so they are keeping it quiet?

Another great moment in science for SNU.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Korean Ingenuity

Here is a 'Korean Comedian Magic Show' which came on some 'gag concert' type show.



I don't know how they find audience members for these shows, but somehow they round up a crowd that seems extremely easy to entertain and amaze. Really, when the camera cuts to the audience members, it's like watching children in the bodies of adults.

The above segment is far more interesting than what regularly comes out on those shows, but alas, it is a blatant rip off of an old Penn and Teller act, move per move.




Here is Penn's reaction to it. He takes it in stride.


I was in Singapore last year and heard what I had always thought was a Korean pop song (one of the few I found interesting) while I was in a shopping mall. "Ah-ha!" I thought, "Finally an actual run-in with this mighty Korean Wave that I've heard about on a daily basis from the Korean media." When the singer began singing, it was in Japanese. It turns out the song was, like many others, originally a Japanese song that was just given Korean lyrics and fed to whatever talentless but pretty pop idol singer was being marketed at that moment by the big recording companies in Korea.

The last hit Korean movie (other than D-War, of course) was 200 Pound Beauty. It was based on a Japanese Manga (as was Old Boy). The title song was also a hit. Like almost every famous soundtrack song from a Korean movie, it was a foreign song (a remake of theBlondie tune 'Maria', in this case).

When it comes to creativity, outsourcing seems to be the only option for the Korean entertainment industry. Judging by the Korean movies, songs, and TV shows I've seen over the past year, they aren't doing it often enough.

I'd like to propose some new Korean slogans:

Korea, Be the Rip Offs!

Korea, Regurgitating!

Friday, April 11, 2008

World Homeopathy Awareness Week

In case you didn't know, this week is officially World Homeopathy Awareness Week.


I would like to do all I can to help out this worthy cause, so I've cut and pasted below the page on their site which explains just what homeopathy is, along with some very minor editing and additions for clarity.

Let the awarification begin!


What is Homeopathy?


Photo: Samuel Hahnemann, founder of homeopathy (which cures everything from cancer to baldness, by the way)


In 1796 a German doctor, Samuel Hahnemann, discovered a different approach to the exploitation...er...I mean cure of the sick, which he called homeopathy (from the Greek words meaning ‘similar suffering’. It is also known as the slightly more accurate term, 'parateinopathy' from the Greek words meaning 'prolonged suffering'). Like Hippocrates two thousand years earlier he realized that there were two ways of treating ill health, the way of opposites and the way of similars. (And like P.T. Barnum who would come about a hundred years later, he realized that indeed, there is a sucker born every minute.)


Take for example, a case of insomnia. The way of opposites (referred to by homeopaths as 'allopathy', though more commonly known as conventional forms of medicine which require actual evidence of effectiveness), is to treat this by giving a drug to bring on an artificial sleep . This frequently involves the use of large or regular doses of drugs, which can sometimes cause side effects or addiction (and those are bad things, in case you didn't know).


The way of similars, the homeopathic way, is to give the patient a minute dose of a substance, such as coffee, which in large doses causes sleeplessness in a healthy person. Perhaps surprisingly, this will help the patient to sleep naturally (and perhaps even more surprisingly, a lot of people actually buy this theory).

Homeopathic remedies cannot cause side effects and you cannot become addicted to them. This is because only a very minute amount of the active ingredient is used in a specially prepared form (though this might also be because you are basically ingesting the equivalent of a sugar pill).

Your homeopath (don't call them 'homies' for short, by the way, unless you are black and that's just a part of your culture, then it's cool) will give you a homeopathic medicine or remedy that matches your symptoms as you experience them, as well as individual characteristics: emotional and physical. This is the great flexibility of homeopathy that those ignorant 'allopussies' in conventional medicine just can't compete with. The homeopathic system is so flexible, as a matter of fact, that you could go to ten different homeopaths for the same illness and get ten completely different treatments. That, of course, makes homeopathy potentially 10 times more effective than conventional medicine.

How it works

Homeopathic medicines work by stimulating the body’s immune system. This stimulus will assist your own system to clear itself of any expression of imbalance. (In medical terminology, we call this method a 'placebic response initiation'.)


What will happen once treatment starts

A number of changes may happen after taking your homeopathic remedy. Some patients experience a period of exceptional well being and optimism. Homeopaths are really happy when this happens and sometimes, for a brief moment, even wonder if all this shit really does work.

Occasionally symptoms appear to get worse for a short time. This makes homeopaths sad and sometimes, for a brief moment, realize they do not have clue fucking one about what they are doing.

But wait! Worsening symptoms are actually a good sign that the remedy is taking effect. Sometimes a cold, rash or some form of discharge may appear as a ‘spring cleaning’ effect which means your system is going through a cleaning stage. Yeah, that's it. And similarly, old symptoms can reappear, usually for a short period. These symptoms will pass, and must not be treated, as they are a very important part of the healing process. Some patients do not notice any changes at all in the beginning of their treatment. In this case a change in the dosage and or selection of remedy may be necessary.

So basically, after receiving homeopathic treatment you could either get better, worse or just stay the same, but regardless these are all signs that it is working. Only in the event that none of the above three results occur should you consider the homeopathic treatment a failure.

If any response to your treatment concerns you, contact your homeopath as soon as you can , as it is important to know what happens as treatment progresses. He also may need to contact his lawyers to make sure he isn't liable for anything.


How long the treatment takes

This depends very much on what sort of illness you have, as well as the other individual characteristics of your case (such as your levels of income and gullibility). Your homeopath will typically only be able to predict treatment time after observing your response to homeopathic medicines. After something does happen, however, you can expect the homeopath to say that he knew that would happen all along and there is no way you can prove that he didn't. A slowly developing complaint, or one that you've experienced for many years, may not disappear immediately although an initial response an early improvement often occur. [There's an interesting sentence. I wonder if there's a homeopathic remedy for bad grammar].

Homeopathy cures from the inside, and often outer symptoms such as a skin complaint, are the last to clear. Pretty convenient for us homeopaths, eh? Be patient (and keep the checks coming in)! In the long term it is much better for you to be cured of both the cause of the illness and its symptoms, rather than merely relieving or suppressing the symptoms. Remember that every case is different, and no two patients are alike. Hell, even the most seasoned homeopath has no idea what will happen with any given patient! Such are the mysteries of science!


What about seeing a General Practitioner?
We (and by 'we', I mean us homeopaths and our lawyers) recommend that you should maintain your relationship with your GP. Your GP will be able to arrange any tests or X-rays you may need (we're not really into all that technology and testing stuff, and don't even ask us about all those icky details of human physiology! BORING!). Homeopathy has an alternative philosophy but by working in this way with your GP the two systems of health care can provide complementary services . But if you do actually recover, keep in mind that you can't really prove that it wasn't the homeopathic treatment that made the difference, nor can you prove that you woudn't have DIED if you had only followed your GP's treatment. So there really isn't a logical reason why you shouldn't continue to use homeopathy in the future.


So there it is. Consider yourself all awareded up on the wonders of homeopathy. Spread the word.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Hub of Fraud

While Korea failed to make the top 50 financial hubs, one area it does excel in is bogus research papers. KAIST has recently suspended its 'star' Kim Tae-Kook for falsifying research data on two papers published in leading international journals (including Science, again, which already got a black eye from the Hwang Woo-suk scandal a few years back).

Kim's 2006 paper suggested ideas for increasing the human lifespan by ``reprogramming'' cells ― the research earned him much publicity. South Korea's President Roh Moo-hyun invited him to the Blue House and KAIST President Suh Nam-pyo praised him as one of the most likely Korean candidates to win the Nobel Prize.

There were already complaints that Koreans were having a harder time publishing in international journals after the Hwang scandal. This won't help matters much.

Two major scandals from Korea in the space of a few years. Coincidence? Or just a peak at the systematic corruption that seems to be behind every institution in this country?

Choi Hong-man--Man of dignity

Choi Hong-man's rap debut at the 2006 K1 Championship. Here's a few clips of Choi gettin his freak on.



Nothing awkward about that at all.



Hey, a man's got to pay his bills.



Getting love from Mighty Mo. The giggling of the girl who taped this was amusing.



Choi returning the love to Mo (the second of two such low blows in the fight).


Original Post (November 7, 2007)

Korean K1 fighter Choi "Techno-Goliath" Hong-man is making his debut as a rapper with model-turned-singer Kang Soo-hee.

Feast on the Hong-man's new flavah!

Can't wait to see their first music video. Should be good sport to see a guy on the dance floor grind on a girl whose height only comes up to his crotch. Other than some Michael Jackson home videos*, this should be a first.

I watched Choi's recent K1 match and his patented 'in your nuts face' fighting style against Mighty Mo. I'm not sure what was more painful to see: Mighty Mo getting kicked square in his nut suck or Choi's struggling against an opponent roughly half his size. Maybe this rap thing is not such a bad career move for Choi after all.

What gives the Goony Goliath the courage and motivation to 'challenge'** this respectable music genre? Really, it's not like ANYBODY can try to be a rapper, right? Let's run through the 'So you want to be a celebrity rapper?' checklist:
  • Modicum of fame? Check
  • Functioning speech organs? Check.
  • Inability to maintain success in some area requiring actual talent? Check.
  • The drive to do anything, regardless of how potentially humiliating, to stay in the spotlight? Check.


Considering the state of Korean music these days, his chances of making it big in the music scene actually aren't so bad.

Keep on keepin' it real, big guy.

*I'm just joking about this, of course. The record is clear that Michael Jackson likes little boys, not girls.
**For some reason, I find this Konglish use of 'challenge' really annoying.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

What does Feng Shui mean?


Answer: It means people will believe anything.*


Update: Just a day after posting about the LA Zoo feng shui nonsense, I come across another article on feng shui being used in a Mcdonalds in California. When it comes to ridiculous (and costly) bullshit, I guess California has always been ahead of the curve.

Original Post


I caught this story quite late (it ran about a year ago): Zoo pays Feng Shui expert to aid monkeys.


The LA Zoo was at the time preparing a habitat for some golden monkeys on loan from the Chinese government and included in the budget was a $4,500 fee to a feng shui expert to make sure the monkey cages had good 'Qi'. Some excerpts from the article:

Feng shui is in demand among high-end architects and interior designers, but Beverly Hills-based feng shui expert Simona Mainini said the Los Angeles Zoo's effort may be a first in animal enclosure design.

Is feng shui really in demand in the States? I hope to god it is just among old Asian-Americans and a tiny minority of new age types (which might make up the majority of the Beverly Hills population, though). Aren't there enough stupid beliefs in the States already without having to import more from the East?


"It's very experimental," Mainini said. "We don't have any books on feng shui for monkeys. We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

Ah yes, just 'experimental'. This ever so rightly implies that feng shui is based on sound theory backed up by thousands of years of empirical evidence. What a pioneer this Mainini person must be.


So can we believe that this a real experiment then? Is she going to rate the quality of life for these monkeys and compare them with monkeys living in a Feng Shuiless environment? And how will she measure the quality of monkey life? Would monkeys living with good feng shui eat better? Would they be less likely to fling feces? (or should they be more likely to fling feces if they are happy? I can see that going both ways.)


Speaking of feces, has Mainini accounted for poo pile distribution when assessing the Qi energy flows within the cages? Maybe the zoo should pay another 5 grand and have her come back once they can account for the placement of these physical objects. If you don' t believe that a pile of shit can affect the feng shui in a room, just try dumping a load anywhere in your office and see how it affects the positive and negative energy flows of your workplace.




Here is one of the key texts on feng shui that I'm sure Mainini is referring to. (yes, it seems to be an actual book). The title seems a bit redundant.


Notice that two of the authors are 'masters'. Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh....


I wonder how many years, nay, decades of intensive study and research into this practice they must have labored through to achieve that title. Elizabeth Moran (last name pronounced with a stress on the first syllable) has yet to become a master, but they needed someone who knew how to read and type.
OK, back to the Master Mainini and her wonderful work at the LA Zoo. I'd like to revisit her last quote in regards to the Darwin reference:


"We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

Im sure Darwin would be very pleased to see his theories being applied in such scientific ways. Maybe evolutionary biologists should start investigating whether feng shui plays a big role in the evolutionary process? Maybe dinosaurs went extinct because the energy flows in their environment were just out of whack? Maybe it wasn't so much a meteor striking the earth, as it was the bad feng shui caused by the crater itself! Ever thought of that real possibility Mr. Smarty-pants Biologist? Maybe the spotted owls would adjust to the changing environment better if we just dug up and moved a few trees around? Obviously, there is a lot more work to be done for feng shui specialists!


Now I don't really know if what is good for humans is always good for monkeys, but I do know that electric shock therapy is good for getting naughty monkeys to stop doing stupid things, and if it works on monkeys, I'd be willing to give it an 'experimental' try on people like Mainini.


"The viewing building has a Chinese character," said principal architect Charles Mays, who hire Mainini. "We thought it would be more authentic if we went that extra step and made sure it was done with good feng shui."

Ok, include Mr. Charles May in the list of people needing experimental shock therapy. How can someone this idiotic be placed in the role of principal architect of a multi-million dollar project? If you want the building to really be more authentic in a "Chinese character" then just let some Chinese poachers break into the cage, slaughter the monkeys, and sell the body parts to oriental medicine witchdoctors and eat the rest. That's a pretty authentic view of how China has been handling its wildlife for the past few centuries, and would enable us in the West to see the monkeys in their truly natural habitat.


Mainini said she tweaked the plans to maximize the good qi (pronounced chee) [as in 'Cheesus Christ do you people really believe this shit?']. For example, she recommended moving a door on the observation tower or adding a fountain or water feature to "soften, with moisture, the harsh energy" in that area of the tower.

I really wonder just how much work she had to do for that $4,500. Are we to believe that she did anything more than just show up one sunny afternoon, walk around the cage for 5-10 minutes, pull a few of the usual feng shui lines out of her ass, and then rush off to the bank to cash her check? What a sweet scam this whole feng shui thing must be.


Here's another article on this event from csicop.org. Some members of the organization visited an open meeting held by the LA Zoo officials and were able to ask them directly about this bullshit.


Since science seemed to be escaping from the zoo, it was time for a visit from CFI. I was the first community speaker to be heard at the zoo’s March 20 Board of Commissioners meeting and was allowed three minutes to try to convince the commissioners that feng shui wasn’t worth forty-five cents, much less $4,500.


To her credit, one commissioner said she was surprised at hearing this had been approved. The zoo staff member who green-lighted the feng fee was not present to defend him or herself, but another staffer said it was an effort to replicate the cultural aspects of a rural Chinese village where these monkeys are from. “Why not just hire someone to recreate the look of a village,” I asked. “You don’t need all that ‘energy’ mumbo jumbo to make it look the same.”


They seemed to agree, and I got the distinct impression there was at least a hint of embarrassment over the whole affair. We can only hope. . . .

I seriously hope it was more than a hint of embarrassment. It would have been quite entertaining, though, if someone there had tried to defend the decision.


Ive been working on a list for the most ridiculous superstitions that somehow survive in developed countries and I put Feng Shui right at the top. Note that this list is reserved only for beliefs that are just too incredibly stupid for normal people to believe, yet are accepted by a significant percentage of the population.


So yes, if one of your own beliefs is included in this list, it can be counted as empirical evidence that you may be retarded and you might want to look into it.


Here is what I have so far. Let me know if Im missing anything or if the order should be changed.

  1. Feng shui
  2. Astrology/numerology
  3. Fan death
  4. Moxibustion**
  5. Belief that the Star Wars Episode series didn't suck
  6. ABO Blood type/personality theory (blood type is related to personality traits)
  7. spirit 'readings' (communication with spirits, ala John Edward and Slyvia Browne)
  8. Professional Wrestling is real
  9. Scientology
  10. All religions except for the good ones***


* Not sure where this joke originated. Anybody know?


**Although moxibustion works on the same principles as acupuncture, acupuncture is excluded from this list as it has been proven to be an effective placebo, which at least makes it semi-useful.


**The list of Good Religions includes Christianity, Buddhism and Judaism (Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists not yet included, but are encouraged to reapply for acceptance in a few decades. Jehovah Witnesses and Christian Scientists need not reapply)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

This week in Korea



비, “상 받을 때마다 어머니 생각난다”

(Every time Rain receives an award, he thinks about his mother.)


He is probably also reminded of his mother every time he uses that shade of lipstick.




Hollywood Calls for Rain

Rain has landed the lead role in a new Hollywood movie, Ninja Assassin.

If that isn't the face of a ninja assassin, I don't know what is.

On his website, Rain (26) had once stated that he was so dedicated to becoming the best singer and dancer that he could be, that he has never had time for a girlfriend.

What a sacrifice for one's craft, eh? It certainly takes a special kind of man who can spend day after day, month after month, and year after year among male dance choreographers, hair stylists and back up dancers without even a moment to spare for female companionship.











Shiny happy Japanese tourists posing in front of the smoldering remains of Sungnyemun.

Brought back some good memories, perhaps.

According to anonymous sources, the previous night these tourists stayed up late watching news reports on the fire while singing the lyrics to a Bloodhound Gang song ("the loop, the loop, the loop is on pieya")


And this is the funniest story I've read all month:

A 52-year-old man was caught for attempting to eat his landlady's pet dog.

The man, identified as Park, took the pet Chihuahua into his room, while his 69-year-old landlady Jeon was in the bathroom. He then killed the dog and attempted to cook it at the boarding house in Jongno, Seoul, Monday afternoon.

Park tried to scorch the dog before cooking it in his room, but his clothes in the room caught fire and emitted smoke. His neighbors called the firefighters and his attempt to cook the dog was detected by neighbors and firefighters, according to police.

Police quoted Park, drunk when apprehended, as saying, ``I did so because I was hungry.''

He was booked without physical detention on charges of theft.

Now this is the Korea that we all know and love.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Korean Pedophiles Invade America!

Shocking news out of America: A Korean exchange student has been charged with molesting American children.

There's the dirty little pepper picker!

I'm a bit disappointed in the American media here. First off, why isn't this case being given national coverage? Why treat this like an isolated event that does not potentially represent the entire Korean population in the States?

The headline in the Boston Globe reads, 'Exchange student charged with molesting children.' Granted, it does give a bit of an indication that a dirty foreigner is involved, and I'm relieved to see at least that much, but why not just make the headline, "South Korean pervert charged with molesting children"? Or better yet, "Korean molests white American children". For the sake of accuracy, this is much better.

This should be followed up by editorial after editorial calling for action to keep all of these Koreans from coming to our country and molesting our children. All the talk shows should then pick up the story and every major network should run a special on these dangerous criminals lurking about in our society.

Clearly, our country's media could learn a lot from the Dynamic Korean Media on how to properly run with these kinds of stories.

And next we need the government to get involved and completely overhaul the visa process. How many more Koreans are doing the SAME THING in America to our children EVERY DAY? According to statistics I think I heard or read from somewhere*, over 80% of Koreans in America are sexual deviants or prostitutes. We need to do something NOW!

I want every single Korean male wishing to come to America to submit PROOF that he does NOT molest children. We'll start with a policy of submitting criminal records from Korea. And then we'll make it a policy to always reject the first submission of said criminal records because they are missing a key signature or 도장 or whatever (we can get creative on this) and force them to submit the records again. Naturally, we'll then reject those records again because we all know that the legal system in Korea is a pile of shit anyway.

So those who fail to provide conclusive evidence that they have never molested a child (and this will be all of them) will have to schedule an interview. First they will have to wait in line for at least 3 hours to schedule the interview, and then they'll have to wait about 6 months for the actual interview to take place.

Wait a minute, I think this already is the procedure for getting a visa to the States.

OK, make that a 5 hour wait to schedule and a 16 month wait for the actual interview.

Then in the interview we'll ask tough questions like the following:
  1. Why do so many Koreans molest children?
  2. If you go to America, do you think you will be more likely to molest a child like Korean national Park Hanse, or go on a killing spree like Korean national Seung-Hui Cho?
  3. What do you think about the Wondergirls? (As two members of the Wondergirls are only 15, which makes them minors, any positive response to this question will result in immediate rejection. )
  4. Do you or your parents have any pictures of a male baby with the penis prominently displayed? (this will get rid of about 95% of all applicants)
  5. Have you ever frequented a bathhouse known to allow naked children? Is it because you like to be around naked children?
  6. If you had to choose between touching a child's penis or giving Dokdo and Cheju island to Japan, which would you select?
Now I want to make it clear to all Koreans that there is nothing racist or xenophobic about this. One pedophile from a foreign country gets caught and so naturally we should suspect everyone from said foreign country and enact reasonable laws to protect our citizens. It's just common sense, isn't it? Come on, can't you at least imagine what you would want to do if the same thing happened in your country?


Hat tip to Brian in (God-forsaken) Chollanam-do.

*I can't remember the exact source for these statistics, but I do recall that they came from the exact same source that the Korea media used to come up with their "90% of all foreign teachers here illegally are violent criminals" statistic. (look at that, I just linked to my old blog that will be shut down in a few weeks. Derp!)