The Secret! A-ha!

Funniest thing I've seen all month:



'You should visualize them back!"


A friend of mine read The Secret last February and gushed on and on about it. She said that now that she has The Secret, she KNEW that she should quit her company and try to get into law school (she hated her job).

A month later I heard from her again. She had a back injury that put her in a number of hospitals (including a famous acupuncture 'hospital', but we'll save that trip down quackery lane for a future post) and is still a big problem for her now. She was in too much pain to study for law school, so she gave up on it. She'll have to resign from her company if she isn't able to get back to work soon (about a year is all they will give her off from work). She started going back to work a week ago even though she is still in a lot of pain.

So clearly The Secret has worked out pretty well for her.

My theory is that the acupuncturists at the hospital she ended up going to were also reading The Secret, and visualized thousands of suckers suddenly having back problems and coming to their clinic for months and months of expensive therapy. Their visualization Kung Fu simply overrode that of my friend.




Something like that also might explain why Song Hye Kyo still hasn't slept with me, despite the fact that I've visualized such for several weeks now.


Perhaps too many other Secret readers have made this same "demand on the universe," and I just need to wait my turn patiently.

Oh, but she WILL be mine...



Second funniest thing I've seen all month:



"Gonna kick some ass with my own pipe wrench!"

Great vocals. I would love to see this same thing done with some cheesy heavy metal videos from the 80s.

What does Feng Shui mean?

Answer: It means people will believe anything.*

Update: Just a day after posting about the LA Zoo feng shui nonsense, I come across another article on feng shui being used in a Mcdonalds in California. When it comes to ridiculous (and costly) bullshit, I guess California has always been ahead of the curve.

Original Post

I caught this story quite late (it ran about a year ago): Zoo pays Feng Shui expert to aid monkeys.

The LA Zoo was at the time preparing a habitat for some golden monkeys on loan from the Chinese government and included in the budget was a $4,500 fee to a feng shui expert to make sure the monkey cages had good 'Qi'. Some excerpts from the article:

Feng shui is in demand among high-end architects and interior designers, but Beverly Hills-based feng shui expert Simona Mainini said the Los Angeles Zoo's effort may be a first in animal enclosure design.

Is feng shui really in demand in the States? I hope to god it is just among old Asian-Americans and a tiny minority of new age types (which might make up the majority of the Beverly Hills population, though). Aren't there enough stupid beliefs in the States already without having to import more from the East?

"It's very experimental," Mainini said. "We don't have any books on feng shui for monkeys. We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

Ah yes, just 'experimental'. This ever so rightly implies that feng shui is based on sound theory backed up by thousands of years of empirical evidence. What a pioneer this Mainini person must be.

So can we believe that this a real experiment then? Is she going to rate the quality of life for these monkeys and compare them with monkeys living in a Feng Shuiless environment? And how will she measure the quality of monkey life? Would monkeys living with good feng shui eat better? Would they be less likely to fling feces? (or should they be more likely to fling feces if they are happy? I can see that going both ways.)

Speaking of feces, has Mainini accounted for poo pile distribution when assessing the Qi energy flows within the cages? Maybe the zoo should pay another 5 grand and have her come back once they can account for the placement of these physical objects. If you don' t believe that a pile of shit can affect the feng shui in a room, just try dumping a load anywhere in your office and see how it affects the positive and negative energy flows of your workplace.

Here is one of the key texts on feng shui that I'm sure Mainini is referring to. (yes, it seems to be an actual book). The title seems a bit redundant.


Notice that two of the authors are 'masters'. Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh....


I wonder how many years, nay, decades of intensive study and research into this practice they must have labored through to achieve that title. Elizabeth Moran (last name pronounced with a stress on the first syllable) has yet to become a master, but they needed someone who knew how to read and type.OK, back to the Master Mainini and her wonderful work at the LA Zoo. I'd like to revisit her last quote in regards to the Darwin reference:

"We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

I’m sure Darwin would be very pleased to see his theories being applied in such scientific ways. Maybe evolutionary biologists should start investigating whether feng shui plays a big role in the evolutionary process? Maybe dinosaurs went extinct because the energy flows in their environment were just out of whack? Maybe it wasn't so much a meteor striking the earth, as it was the bad feng shui caused by the crater itself! Ever thought of that real possibility Mr. Smarty-pants Biologist? Maybe the spotted owls would adjust to the changing environment better if we just dug up and moved a few trees around? Obviously, there is a lot more work to be done for feng shui specialists!

Now I don't really know if what is good for humans is always good for monkeys, but I do know that electric shock therapy is good for getting naughty monkeys to stop doing stupid things, and if it works on monkeys, I'd be willing to give it an 'experimental' try on people like Mainini.

"The viewing building has a Chinese character," said principal architect Charles Mays, who hire Mainini. "We thought it would be more authentic if we went that extra step and made sure it was done with good feng shui."

Ok, include Mr. Charles May in the list of people needing experimental shock therapy. How can someone this idiotic be placed in the role of principal architect of a multi-million dollar project? If you want the building to really be more authentic in a "Chinese character" then just let some Chinese poachers break into the cage, slaughter the monkeys, and sell the body parts to oriental medicine witchdoctors and eat the rest. That's a pretty authentic view of how China has been handling its wildlife for the past few centuries, and would enable us in the West to see the monkeys in their truly natural habitat.

Mainini said she tweaked the plans to maximize the good qi (pronounced chee) [as in 'Cheesus Christ do you people really believe this shit?']. For example, she recommended moving a door on the observation tower or adding a fountain or water feature to "soften, with moisture, the harsh energy" in that area of the tower.

I really wonder just how much work she had to do for that $4,500. Are we to believe that she did anything more than just show up one sunny afternoon, walk around the cage for 5-10 minutes, pull a few of the usual feng shui lines out of her ass, and then rush off to the bank to cash her check? What a sweet scam this whole feng shui thing must be.

Here's another article on this event from csicop.org. Some members of the organization visited an open meeting held by the LA Zoo officials and were able to ask them directly about this bullshit.

Since science seemed to be escaping from the zoo, it was time for a visit from CFI. I was the first community speaker to be heard at the zoo’s March 20 Board of Commissioners meeting and was allowed three minutes to try to convince the commissioners that feng shui wasn’t worth forty-five cents, much less $4,500.

To her credit, one commissioner said she was surprised at hearing this had been approved. The zoo staff member who green-lighted the feng fee was not present to defend him or herself, but another staffer said it was an effort to replicate the cultural aspects of a rural Chinese village where these monkeys are from. “Why not just hire someone to recreate the look of a village,” I asked. “You don’t need all that ‘energy’ mumbo jumbo to make it look the same.”

They seemed to agree, and I got the distinct impression there was at least a hint of embarrassment over the whole affair. We can only hope. . . .

I seriously hope it was more than a hint of embarrassment. It would have been quite entertaining, though, if someone there had tried to defend the decision.

I’ve been working on a list for the most ridiculous superstitions that somehow survive in developed countries and I put Feng Shui right at the top. Note that this list is reserved only for beliefs that are just too incredibly stupid for normal people to believe, yet are accepted by a significant percentage of the population.

So yes, if one of your own beliefs is included in this list, it can be counted as empirical evidence that you may be retarded and you might want to look into it.

Here is what I have so far. Let me know if I’m missing anything or if the order should be changed.

1. Feng shui
2. Astrology/numerology
3. Fan death
4. Moxibustion**
5. Belief that the Star Wars Episode series didn't suck
   
6. ABO Blood type/personality theory (blood type is related to personality traits)
7. spirit 'readings' (communication with spirits, ala John Edward and Slyvia Browne)
8. Professional Wrestling is real
9. Scientology
10. All religions except for the good ones***

* Not sure where this joke originated. Anybody know?

**Although moxibustion works on the same principles as acupuncture, acupuncture is excluded from this list as it has been proven to be an effective placebo, which at least makes it semi-useful.

**The list of Good Religions includes Christianity, Buddhism and Judaism (Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists not yet included, but are encouraged to reapply for acceptance in a few decades. Jehovah Witnesses and Christian Scientists need not reapply)

床 床

An article from Yahoo news: China offers unproven medical treatments

Clinics in China are offering unproven (and almost assuredly bullshit) treatments for a range of incurable diseases. A part of it is the usual Chinese medicine nonsense, but they also involve untested practices such as injections of fetal tissue and stem cells into the brain and spinal cord. Like everything else connected with medicine and health practices that come out of China, despite the fact there is no a shred of evidence of any of these practices being effective, they have no qualms about taking thousands of dollars from desperate patients.

The hospital says its stem cell injections are combined with daily, three-hour
doses of intravenous drugs designed to stimulate production of the patient's own
stem cells. Physical rehabilitation and Chinese medicine are also part of the
plan. A standard two-month course of treatment costs $30,000 to $35,000.

Kaching! So basically they're just cramming everything they can think of into patients hoping something will take, or, more likely, patients can fool themselves into believing their health condition has improved in some way ('placebo-based medicine', one could say). Lot of money to be had in offering hope to the desperate.

Some of those meddling Western doctors have tried to investigate the practices though. Here is what they have found:

Noting the lack of evidence, three Western doctors undertook their own
limited study. It involved seven patients with spinal cord injuries who chose to
get fetal brain tissue injections at one hospital in China. The study reported
"no clinically useful improvements" — even though most patients believed they
were better. Five developed complications such as meningitis.

Cute. Not only did those involved not get any better, the majority developed more health problems. Welcome to the Chinese Century.

Dog Meat: Fact from Fiction (or, How Would you Like your Dog Penis?

It's been a while since Oriental medicine got a good pooping upon.

An article at the Joongang daily (hat tip to fellow dog-eater Marmot). Is dog meat more healthy than other meat? Does it really cool your body in the summer? Does it really make your weener sit up and beg for biscuits?

Two 'experts,' one an Oriental medicine doctor and the other some far less entertaining person who actually knows something about human physiology, tackle this controversial issue.

Some portions of the article along with a snarky comment or two.

Professor Ann Yong-geun of Chungcheong University waded into the controversy last month when he said that there is a nutritious property of dog meat that cannot be proven by Western medical science.

Cannot be proven by 'Western medical science.' Of course, this means the empirical method. What exactly, good professor, is the 'non-Western' way to prove something? Proof based on blind faith in superstition? Proof based on anecdotal evidence (which of course, could simultaneously prove and disprove every theory ever produced)? Proof based on how good a theory sounds after the 3rd bottle of soju?

He said in a CBS radio program that although dog meat has less protein and fewer minerals than pork, chicken or beef, eating dishes like gaejangguk and boshintang (dog stew) mysteriously allow more energy to enter the body.

Dog meat has less protein and fewer minerals than other meat, yet somehow it gives people more energy! What a mystery! And how do we know it gives us more energy? That's yet another mystery! Don't try to prove it by your silly Western tests. Obviously physiological tests can't show it! Just believe!

But what if we take three groups of people and put them on a diet identical in every way except one group gets a dog meat supplement, the other chicken, and the other tofu. Prepare the dish in a way that it is very difficult to detect a difference in taste (perhaps just tell them the dog meat is really ostrich meat, or some other meat they probably haven't tried). Then allow them to self-report their energy levels.

If that kind of study came up with consistent results in favor of dog meat, perhaps then we would have proof of this extra energy?

But no! That is yet another 'Western' way of trying to prove something. Dog meat is so beyond that! Even though the people who eat dog meat might not feel or realize they have more energy, and no other test can physically show it, they DO have more energy! What a big ass muther-fucking mystery it is!

Perhaps the good people of Chungcheong university might want to check this guy's diplomas.

Drawing on folklore, others say that dog meat is good for stamina, the liver and the stomach, as mentioned in the Donguibogam, a medical text written by the physician Heo Jun in the Joseon Dynasty.

In unrelated news, Koreans are much more likely to get stomach and liver cancer compared to other races but I digress...

To sort out fact from fiction Bai Young-hee, a food and nutrition professor from Osan College, and Joo Jeong-ju, an Oriental herbal doctor, agreed to analyze the claims behind Korea's dog-eating customs.

Excellent! Please enlighten us, oh mighty sages!

Why is dog meat recommended during summer?

Joo: In traditional herbal medicine, people have four types of temperaments: han, naeng, on and yeol. Han is the coldest and yeol, the hottest. Our ancestors ate food that best suited their temperament or nature and their environment. Ancient Koreans would categorize the temperament of grain, for example, depending on when it is harvested and what kind of soil or climate it was grown in. Barley is grown during fall and winter, so it would be categorized as having a cool temperament.

Our ancestors believed dog meat has a warm temperament. The blood circulates within the body and during the summer, most body heat gravitates to the outer layer of the body. This makes the body core cool and reduces stamina. Ancestors believed that dog meat warms the inside of the stomach, restoring strength.

Did you get all that? The han and the yeol? The part about body heat gravitating and such? Warming of stomachs? Make sense to you?

To date, of all that Joo just spewed out about eating dog meat in the summer, "the blood circulates within the body" is the only thing thus far proven by Western science.

Can Osan University professor Bai Young-hee possibly top that answer?

Why is dog meat recommended during summer?
It is a tradition. Some people say that eating dog meat actually prevents sweating because dogs themselves don’t sweat through their skin but through their tongues. In reality there is very little difference between the temperature of the stomach in the winter and that found in the summer.

That's it? Come on Prof Bai, can't you do better than just spout out facts? Where's the entertainment value in that?

Interesting that some people believe that because dogs don't sweat, eating dog meat will likewise prevent you from sweating. By a similar line of reasoning, could we not conclude that since dogs can lick their own balls, eating dog meat would bestow this ability as well? Has anyone out there experimented with this and would like to share? Of course, we won't ask you to prove it because it is probably unprovable anyway (and I think I'd rather not see it anyway, thank you).

Let's continue learning! My comments are included within the text.

How nutritious is dog meat?

Joo: In Oriental medicine we say it'۪s nutritious for those who lack heat in their body [that would be called 'clinically dead', in Western terminology]. In the past, dog meat was used as a medical treatment and not a delicacy. Ancestors believed that dog meat protects the body as a whole. In fact, many animals including goats, pigs, sparrows and crows were all used in Oriental remedies. It is hard to say which part of the dog is most nutritious or best for the body, [yeah, really hard for someone who doesn't even know the fundamentals of human physiology] although in olden times this claim was made for the genitalia. It is not a matter of how much protein or fat dog meat contains [like they would even know that anyway],ۥ Oriental medicine is based on ancestors'۪ observations and experiences in nature. [not to mention more than a little credulity, see here for more information on the wonderful phenomenon which is Oriental medicine]

I see, so your answer to that question is...what? This kind of answer makes me very curious as to exactly what Oriental 'doctors' actually study in school.

Bai: One hundred grams of raw dog meat contains 60.1 percent water, 19 grams of protein, 20.2 grams of fat and 44.4 milligrams of cholesterol. It also contains vitamins, potassium, ash, phosphorous, iron and sodium. Compared to other meats or ingredients, dog meat has less cholesterol. There are 1,280 milligrams of cholesterol in an egg yolk, 82.4 in tuna and 65.2 in pork. Compared to beef, pork and chicken, dog meat is not high in protein. But it is true that its amino acid content is superior to other meats.

Thank you for answering the question, Professor Bai. Nice to know you actually did more for your study than just sit around drinking dong-dong ju talking about meta-physical mysteries.

Is dog meat really good for stamina?

Joo: Yes, it is, especially gaesoju, or dog wine. Gaesoju is a fermented drink that is distilled by cooking the dog in a double boiler. Moreover, our ancestors used the dog's penis in the gaesoju and as a medicine to supplement energy. But I repeat, most treatments of Oriental medicine were derived from nature and people's experience.

Bonus points to the Jooster for saying the word 'penis.'

Some Questions:

• Is the dog penis placed in the bottle of soju much like the worm can be found at the bottom of a bottle of tequilla?
  
• Would a true man swallow the penis?
  
• Does this dog penis medicine have to be taken orally, or are there other methods (which are probably illegal in most countries)?
  
• How do you prefer your man to take his dog penis medicine, and do you find it stimulating to watch?

Photo Caption: "No, no! I said I wanted my dog well hung!"

Same question to you, Professor Bai (same original question about dog food being good for stamina, that is, you don't have to answer the other questions about dog penis treatments, unless you want to, that is).

Bai: All the ingredients of gaesoju are healthy to some extent. But the influence differs from person to person. For some, dog meat is good for stamina or post-operative recovery. Depending on an individual's body structure, it can supplement nutrition.

Effects vary from person to person...it works for some, not for others...no research studies mentioned to support any of this...

Or to put it another way, dog penis soju can be as good as any other placebo that is out there on the market.

Dog meat eaters say it is easy to digest.

Joo: According to Oriental medicine, dogs and chickens both have a warm temperament. Pork is cool and beef is both. Beef is good for all types of people but it cannot be used as a medical treatment because it does not balance warm or cold. On the other hand, dog meat is used to supplement body warmth. For example, for those who have a stomach disorder, gaesoju is recommended to balance their circulation and to help build up the digestive system.

Bai: Boiled dog meat is similar to beef but softer, making it easy to digest. This is why people in their 50s and 60s prefer eating the dish to beef.

Once again, same planet, different worlds. I don't think Joo even understood the question.

Would you recommend dog meat for the body's nutritional balance?

Joo: Personally, I don't recommend dog meat or gaesoju to my patients. I have religious reasons as well as spiritual reasons. I recognize dogs as pets that share emotions with people. They’re different from cows and pigs, which are domestic animals.

But from time to time, I do offer a gaesoju herb remedy to those who have really weak stomachs who cannot even digest thin gruel. Oriental medicine is an experience-oriented science. Believing is more important than asking why.

Joo, thank you for those last two sentences. That's a very good summary of your entire profession. I have nothing further to add.

Bai: Dog meat is not an essential food; we don't have to eat it in order to survive. In the past people believed they could benefit from eating dog meat. It is up to each individual whether or not to eat it. With changes in living patterns and eating habits, people suffer from different maladies. With such changes, concentrated treatments (Western medicine) are more effective than the so-called balanced ones used by Oriental medicine.

And a big thank you to you as well, Professor Bai, for at least implying one of the obvious truths that most Asians just don't want to face.

And to all you followers of the Oriental medicine religion, may you enjoy the penises of many a dog this summer.

And now some random puppy photo fun!

Now this is what I'm talking about!

GET IN MY BELLY!

Yay! Master is taking us out for a drive in the country!

An ad by a vegetarian group trying to convince people not to eat meat. I understand it didn't have quite the intended effect on Koreans and Chinese. Or expats in Korea named Robert, for that matter.

Idiots. Nobody eats dog with a knife and fork.

This is 'Mary' (the dog, that is). She was rescued from a dog farm by Sun-an (read the moving story here).

You may have won this round, 'Mary', but Sun-an can't be watching you all the time...

Revenant Dog: It has returned from the dead seeking vengeance on all eaters of dogs.

This legend scares the shit out of every Korean and Chinese man alive.

Damn, that picture is the scariest thing I've seen all week.

Check that. This video the Iceberg links here is the scariest thing I've seen all week.

Three Ways to Waste Both Time and Money

Another old post salvaged from the former Pooper site.

There's an article in the Korea Times that came out today called '3 Simple Suggestions for a Healthy Body' (link now dead, but I've copied most of the article below) that I'm not sure was meant as an April Fool's Day joke or not. In addition to having the normal ridiculous content on 'alternative' ways to be healthy (for those believers, I guess every day is April Fool's Day), the writers name is 'Roar Sheppard.' Seriously, who (other than Frank Zappa) would name their kid something like that?

Some choice selections of the article, along with my own commentary:

Let me make three simple suggestions for a healthy body. The first is exercise... I'm referring to Korea's traditional taoist teaching on stretching call Doinbeup. Long before there were doctors in Korea, [and the average lifespan of Koreans, including Doinbeupists, was about 40] Korean taoists learned how to manage the joints of the body through simple movements to maintain the vigor of the organs. Each joint is related to a different organ and, by understanding the simple connection and flow of energy and of course doing the exercises diligently, one can sustain a healthy body.

"Each joint is related to a different organ." There's only one joint, by the way, that is related to the part of your brain that makes you believe this kind of shit, and I understand it's getting far easier to find in Canada these days.

Let's look at an example. Slowly turn your wrist in a circle, clockwise then counter-clockwise. Do you hear any clicking sounds? The wrists may be overtired from clacking on the computer all day. [that, or you forget to remove your watch] The wrists are linked with the lungs and large intestine, and the heart to some extent, so diligently turn them. Also, lift a foot off the ground and twist your ankle. Does it rotate well? If not, lie down on your back and kick your feet together, thus strengthening your kidneys, bladder, and spleen. In this way, learn to know your body.

And that's all there is to it! Don't do something silly like quit smoking or moving out of Seoul to save your lungs, just twirl your wrists around diligently everyday. Sure, you might look stupid doing it, but then again, you are, so it all works out. And then rather than cut back on drinking, you can just lie on your back and kick your ruby slippered feet together until your body magically cures itself.

Doinbeup specialists also realized the body is composed of two energy systems, blood and energy. Western doctors only know of the former [the morons!], but it's the latter that contains the mind, body, and soul. The energy system is made up of 12 meridian lines and 84,000 acupoints. By lightly tapping, pulling, extending, stretching, twisting and turning the joints, the blocked parts slowly open up and a feeling of clarity, clairvoyance, and crispness fills the body.

But perhaps I was too quick to scoff. 12 meridian lines, 10's of thousands of acupoints. How can something that sounds so complicated NOT be true?

And naturally, this stuff is all well researched and tested. What, you think these people would devote their lives to something that is just based on superstition and wishful thinking? I did some intensive research and found this 20-year study, conducted some 1,000 years ago or so by a bunch of bored Taoist monks (I mean really, what the hell else did they have to do all day?).

Apparently, to really make sure their health treatments actually did something, they got 500 subjects and randomly assigned them to four different experimental groups.

Here are the details of the treatments:

Group A 'The twirly-bird group:' Subjects in this group spent 30 minutes a day rotating and twirling various parts of their bodies (while humming popular tunes from musicals).

Group B: "The jerky-boys group" This group spent 30 minutes a day jerking on various parts of their bodies. (the most enthusiastic subject group, they later found).

Group C: "The pokey-group" This group spent 30 minutes a day poking themselves with pointy sticks in various parts of the body.

Group D: The Ro Sham Bo group: See appropriate Southpark episode for the details of this intensive medical practice.

It turned out, in contrast to most people's expectations, that Group A and B subjects were much healthier than those who repeatedly poked themselves with sticks or kicked each other in the nuts daily.

So rotating and jerking were prescribed by Taoists for some time (the original origin of the term 'circle jerk', for all you trivia buffs out there). Eventually they realized that most boys don't really need to be encouraged to do the jerking stuff, so they later focused mostly on the rotating.

Back to Sheppard's mighty roar...

The second method is a psychological one. No matter how much money you spend on fixing a broken faucet, if you don't fix the leak inside the pipes it can't be fixed. It's the same with the body.

There's a ``normal’’ method and a wise method to fix the body. The normal method fixes a headache with Tylenol, the wise method reflects on the internal cause of the headache: What am I worrying about? What habits or behavioral patterns are unsuited to my being? What uncontrollable thoughts are weighing on my mind?

This is great, because I just happened to have woke up with a headache this morning so I decided to try out Roar's suggestion (I wonder if he felt any pressure growing up to yell everything he says, by the way). So rather than take a few tylenols, I asked myself some hard questions and realized that I am not at peace with others around me, and this stems from my inability to really accept and love myself for who I am, and not try to be the kind of person that others wish me to be.

Oh, and the 9 beers and 6 tequila shots I had last night probably didn't help much either.

The wise method is not promoted well in society today. Reflection is hard and painful, as is changing the habit that caused the pain. First recognize that comfort neither exists nor is desirable. With comfort, growth is impossible. It is through pain and conflict, whether large or small, that you develop as a person.

Allow me to paraphrase that for you: Comfort does not exist, and despite not existing, it makes growth impossible.

So you see, when you are in pain, you need to reflect, and this in turn leads to more pain which is great, because now you are a better person because of it. I guess this is why I should be very pleased right now because after reading and thinking about this article, my headache has gotten a helluva lot worse. If someone would just come along and Ro Sham Bo me right now, I'd probably attain instant enlightenment and/or nirvana.

Well, we've come a long way in a short time, from traditional taoist Doinbeup exercises to release blocked energy and tense joints all the way to facing our worst fears _ our own mind.

Yes, we've come along way, from ancient superstition to modern new age psycho-babble feel good bullshit.

This calls for a happy new-age rainbow picture.

Lead us to the final Oasis of Wisdom, oh great Sheppard.

Lastly, I will briefly mention a palatable method: Ttum. What's that? It's a basic treatment, also know as moxibustion (to burn something), to warm the body. As you know, all sickness originates in coldness. [you did know that, right? That's why the real serious diseases like malaria and typhoid are so common in places like Siberia] Ttum [pronounced 'dumb', I think] is made up of mugwort. Mugwort, whether as a food, tea, or as moxi (in this sense a small candle) is a traditional method [read: untested and unproven, see also 'superstition'] to heal the body, and promote circulation through heat.

Moxibustion: That smell of charred flesh means it's working!

Moxi is burned on the hands. Oriental doctors burn would also burn it on thee [I think the proofreader was on a smoke break at this point in the article] stomach or knees, but these often leave scars. [no shit?] Instead find a local sujichim, Koryo Hand Acupuncture office, and buy moxi for the hands. Traditional Korean hand acupuncture claims that hand acupoints stabilize the organs.

Wait a minute. I thought we had already established earlier that the joints were related to the organs. Now points on the hands are related to all the organs?

Perhaps we should believe that everything OTHER than the actual organs themselves are related to the organs? Sounds good to me.

I'd love to hear you guys give advice for auto repair some day. 'What's that? A problem with your engine? No sweat, just rotate your tires and you'll be as good as new. Oh, and clean out your ashtrays too."

Just place them anywhere on the center of the hand, from the palm up the 3rd finger to the top, front and back. Make sure to place something under them as they are hot! A small box a day will heat cold bodies and balance over-heated ones. Oh, one last thing.

[the paragraph ends there. Perhaps that is the way 'Roar' likes to finish paragraphs, or maybe he thinks that works as a smooth transition to the conclusion paragraph. Or maybe the proofreader just couldn't get through this entire shitty article and quit working on it after the fourth paragraph.

Anyway, I hope that 'one last thing' that got cut out of the article wasn't some crucial information like "Oh one last thing, the nurses there also give complimentary hand jobs."

Cheer up. Korea's a beautiful place. Just with the fact you are in such a lovely place as northeast Asia, should make you content. How lucky you are!

Kind words, but if Korea is the kind of place that should make us content, and contentment, being the evil twin brother of 'comfort', can deny us personal growth, wouldn't that make Korea a bad place?

He is Sheppard, hear him roar!

Thanks for the best April Fool's Day article I've read in a long time Roar. I'll be looking for more of your stuff in the future.

Oriental Dentistry

Another post saved from oblivion from my old Pooper site. Some choice comments from the original post are included as well.

Here's an interesting article from the Korea Times on "oriental dentist clincs." The author, alternative medicine guru Dr.* Park Chan-joo, poses the question:

"How do suppose [sic] people in ancient times dealt with toothaches and other dental problems? "

The answer? Will, the true answer of course is that the supposed Oriental doctors of that time just dished out some bullshit advice and ridiculous "treatments" until the tooth completely decayed and they just had to pull the damn thing.

However, for an "alternative" answer to that glaring truth, Dr. Park describes the glorious product of thousands of years of oriental learning and wisdom.

Teeth were considered by the ancients to be extensions or protrusions of your bones. Just as bones are related to the kidneys, teeth are also controlled and nourished by that organ. So, it is said that when your energy or ``chong,’’ the essential bodily material stored in the kidneys, is weak, you can have dental problems.

Buckle up and hold and tight as we try to ride this rickety roller-coaster of unreason. Teeth are bones, which is obvious because teeth are white and so are bones. Bones are related to the kidney which is obvious because...well, anyway, it's obvious and therefore if you get a cavity it's because you have kidney problems.

Got it? No questions? Good, because she's just getting started!

Of the five elements, the upper gums belong to the earth element, which by the way is unique to oriental medicine.

Yeah, unique to oriental medicine. Isn't it amazing that no one else in the world came to the same conclusion? This great insight allowed oriental doctors to know where to use acupuncture in order to cure tooth decay. She doesn't mention why acupuncturists still do not follow this practice.

Tooth ailments have specific symptoms and require special treatment. Toothaches, for example, are caused by accumulated heat in the intestines, which cause your gums to be swollen and your breath to smell bad.

You know, I don't even think the oriental doctors of yesteryear were even trying to make sense. Toothaches come from heat in the intestines? How much opium do you have to smoke before that makes sense? Honestly, believing that toothaches are caused by tiny invisible gnomes pounding on your teeth with their wee little gnome hammers makes more sense than this.

Now, you might say, hey, Pooper, she isn't saying that this old belief is true. She is just explaining how things used to be in the past.

But if you read her columns faithfully as I do (and believe me, she never fails to entertain and amuse), you know that she eats all this shit up. She's an oriental doctor, so to question any of the ancient wisdom would undermine their entire religion practice.

Just as with other health related issues, prevention is preferred to treating problems after they occur.

True, but the prevention she talks about is not avoiding sweets, brushing and flossing, and seeing a dentist regularly. It's 'clicking your teeth gently' in the morning and 'gargling' with any liquid. If that makes any sense to you, then be my guest and click away, but I'll stick with my trusty toothbrush, thanks.

Although there are few people who go to see an oriental dentist about their tooth problems, the lessons from this old medical book can be helpful.

As usual, no studies to back up any of this. Just dish out the bullshit to the idiots who keep people like Dr. Park in business. Thank the gods for stupid people, huh?

We look forward to your next column, Dr. Park. Your entire profession might be built on superstition and quackery, but if laughter is really the best medicine, your column is doing a world of good.

*the title of "Doctor" here is not to be confused with the kind of doctor who actually knows the human body and can cure things

Select comments on the original post:

I try to avoid reading the KT as a rule, but that was hee-larious. "Dr. Henry" isn't nearly as funny, but he has his moments, like "Dirt can be removed by simply taking a shower" in his classic "How to Take a Shower in Summer." But the all-time winner is "How to Block or Open the Bunghole"--I shit you not: http://search.hankooki.com/times/times_view.php?terms=bunghole+code%3A+kt&path=hankooki1%2Fkt_culture%2F200104%2Ft2001042015341746110.htm

Posted by: Michael | April 09, 2005 at 07:03 PM

Michael, that article was wild. That guy is a total nut (in a lovable way, that is). Good stuff.

Posted by: scott | April 10, 2005 at 07:46 AM

I'll be needing a wisdom tooth pulled in the next couple weeks, and this sounds like the guy to do it. Thanks.

Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | April 15, 2005 at 10:34 PM

hiiiiiiii!!!! i liked reading some of your articles. they are funny! i'm interested in korea, and i dont know much about it. i was adopted from there, and was wondering how i looked compared to the other girls there? heheh

Posted by: miki | April 29, 2005 at 07:51 PM

Hi Miki. I'm glad you liked the posts. It's admirable that you are trying to find out about your country of birth, but a little scary that you might be learning about it from my site. ;)

As for how you look in comparison with Korean girls; that's hard to say since I've never seen a picture of you. But odds are that if you just double the amount of makeup you currently put on in the morning then you would probably look very similar to the average girls here.

Posted by: partypooper | May 01, 2005 at 06:28 AM

I disagree with your assessment. Have you ever visited an oriental clinic before? At first, I thought acupuncture was a total sack of shit but now I'm a fan. Next time you sprain your ankle, don't whine to your doc that icing doesn't help - check out your local taboo yellow witch doctor :)

Posted by: steve | May 02, 2005 at 05:06 AM

I nominate Dr. Park for a never-ending, Arirang TV "loop."

Posted by: A Yank Abroad | May 29, 2005 at 08:17 AM

Chinese Medicine 만세!!!

Another post from the old site which complements the previous article. It linked to an old Onion article ("FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo") which is available only to premium subscribers. Relevant paragraphs are included below in bold, with my own words of wisdom in between.

It appears that there is a new drug hitting the market that will give Chinese medicine (한약) some severe competition. Like Chinese medicine, this drug reportedly cures everything.

"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo. It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any of the analgesic properties."

Unfortunately, this new drug is proving to be nearly identical in efficacy to our traditional Chinese medicine. It is a very serious challenge. However, all is not lost. It seems that this “miracle drug” does have some side effects:

Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."

As you know, Chinese medicine has ZERO side effects. In the few cases where it seemed that the patient had some side effects, it was later determined that they actually were suffering from over-exposure to electric fans or western food (as a matter of fact, it was probably the Chinese medicine they had taken that prevented certain death). I’m pretty sure it was legit, because I saw the Chinese medicine doctors say this on TV, and they wore white coats and had a lot of books in their office and everything, just like real doctors.

Just look at that picture! Now something that complicated MUST be true!

Now I know there are some overly skeptical people out there who somehow doubt the efficacy of Chinese medicine. Allow me to edumicate you on the subject. School’s in session Buckwheat, sit down and get out your pencil.

Photo: From left to right: Mother of all Koreans (the bear), Tangun, one rascally tiger (who was unable to become a Korean because he reportedly left the cave and ate at a Mcdonalds)

1: Chinese medicine has been around for something like, I don’t know, 21,000 years. As everyone knows, people were actually more enlightened back then and had direct communication with deity (i.e. God talking to Adam and Eve, Tangun and that bear chick in the cave, etc.). Furthermore, if something has survived for a long time, then obviously it must be true. To suggest otherwise implies that humans are capable of being ignorant and superstitious (which we know for a fact only applies to cultures and races different from ours).

Photo: President of the Korean Oriental Medicine Society (sporting the latest hairstyle from North Korea), Lee Ju-young : Serious looking man, serious medicine.

2: There is, like, tons of scientific evidence that Chinese medicine cures everything better than western medicine. This research is conducted by researchers in Oriental Medicine colleges all over Asia. Since their entire chosen livelihood depends on their research showing the efficacy of Chinese Medicine, you know that they have strong motivation to be extremely thorough and careful in their research. Thus, they are much more dependable than some coldly neutral research lab that lacks a vested interest. I’m sure unbiased researchers would do a half-ass job as they just don’t have the passion and drive that our Oriental College researchers have to get the results they want.

3: For all you smart-asses that point out the supposed “fact” that the lifespan of Asians was quite low until the introduction of western medicine, you just don’t know the whole story. The lifespan of Asians was so low due to Japanese aggression and other foreign interference. Those damn Japanese systematically killed everyone over the age of 50. I don’t have the link to the research, but I heard it from my seniors while drinking one night. I think I also heard that foreign governments from Europe and America interfered as well somehow, and prevented the Korean people from getting oriental medicine. I don’t have any links to support this as of yet, but I wrote a letter to the Hankoryeh newspaper and they assured me that they would put together a highly factual article in the near future.

4. Chinese medicine tastes really bad. We have a proverb here in Korea, “입에 쓴 약이 병에는 좋다” (Bitter medicine is good for what ails you). Chinese medicine tastes roughly 10 times worse than western medicine (cherry flavor? What the hell is up with that?). Ergo, Chinese medicine is 10 times better.

5. The anecdotal evidence supporting Chinese medicine is literally in the millions, if not billions. Just the other day I heard a great story about a friend’s father (who recently passed away due to advanced stomach cancer, God rest his soul) who was suffering from indigestion and abdominal pains (probably from eating western food). He went to an oriental doctor and he found out that his heart was too warm because his “ki” wasn’t flowing properly. He bought a month supply of Chinese medicine (for the low price of 500,000 won--$500 US) and after 3 weeks the pains just went away. Just try asking western doctors what “ki” is and see the blank look on their “educated” faces.

So nice try western doctors, but you’ll have to do just a little more before you can catch up with what we have here in the East. It’s taken you 2,000 years to come up with your “Placebo,” while here in Asia we’ve had it since time began.