Thursday, July 29, 2004

Chinese Medicine 만세!!!

Another post from the old site which complements the previous article. It linked to an old Onion article ("FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo") which is available only to premium subscribers. Relevant paragraphs are included below in bold, with my own words of wisdom in between.


It appears that there is a new drug hitting the market that will give Chinese medicine (한약) some severe competition. Like Chinese medicine, this drug reportedly cures everything.

"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo. It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any of the analgesic properties."

Unfortunately, this new drug is proving to be nearly identical in efficacy to our traditional Chinese medicine. It is a very serious challenge. However, all is not lost. It seems that this “miracle drug” does have some side effects:

Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."

As you know, Chinese medicine has ZERO side effects. In the few cases where it seemed that the patient had some side effects, it was later determined that they actually were suffering from over-exposure to electric fans or western food (as a matter of fact, it was probably the Chinese medicine they had taken that prevented certain death). I’m pretty sure it was legit, because I saw the Chinese medicine doctors say this on TV, and they wore white coats and had a lot of books in their office and everything, just like real doctors.


Just look at that picture! Now something that complicated MUST be true!

Now I know there are some overly skeptical people out there who somehow doubt the efficacy of Chinese medicine. Allow me to edumicate you on the subject. School’s in session Buckwheat, sit down and get out your pencil.

hwanung2Photo: From left to right: Mother of all Koreans (the bear), Tangun, one rascally tiger (who was unable to become a Korean because he reportedly left the cave and ate at a Mcdonalds)

1: Chinese medicine has been around for something like, I don’t know, 21,000 years. As everyone knows, people were actually more enlightened back then and had direct communication with deity (i.e. God talking to Adam and Eve, Tangun and that bear chick in the cave, etc.). Furthermore, if something has survived for a long time, then obviously it must be true. To suggest otherwise implies that humans are capable of being ignorant and superstitious (which we know for a fact only applies to cultures and races different from ours).


Photo: President of the Korean Oriental Medicine Society (sporting the latest hairstyle from North Korea), Lee Ju-young : Serious looking man, serious medicine.

2: There is, like, tons of scientific evidence that Chinese medicine cures everything better than western medicine. This research is conducted by researchers in Oriental Medicine colleges all over Asia. Since their entire chosen livelihood depends on their research showing the efficacy of Chinese Medicine, you know that they have strong motivation to be extremely thorough and careful in their research. Thus, they are much more dependable than some coldly neutral research lab that lacks a vested interest. I’m sure unbiased researchers would do a half-ass job as they just don’t have the passion and drive that our Oriental College researchers have to get the results they want.

3: For all you smart-asses that point out the supposed “fact” that the lifespan of Asians was quite low until the introduction of western medicine, you just don’t know the whole story. The lifespan of Asians was so low due to Japanese aggression and other foreign interference. Those damn Japanese systematically killed everyone over the age of 50. I don’t have the link to the research, but I heard it from my seniors while drinking one night. I think I also heard that foreign governments from Europe and America interfered as well somehow, and prevented the Korean people from getting oriental medicine. I don’t have any links to support this as of yet, but I wrote a letter to the Hankoryeh newspaper and they assured me that they would put together a highly factual article in the near future.

4. Chinese medicine tastes really bad. We have a proverb here in Korea, “입에 쓴 약이 병에는 좋다” (Bitter medicine is good for what ails you). Chinese medicine tastes roughly 10 times worse than western medicine (cherry flavor? What the hell is up with that?). Ergo, Chinese medicine is 10 times better.

5. The anecdotal evidence supporting Chinese medicine is literally in the millions, if not billions. Just the other day I heard a great story about a friend’s father (who recently passed away due to advanced stomach cancer, God rest his soul) who was suffering from indigestion and abdominal pains (probably from eating western food). He went to an oriental doctor and he found out that his heart was too warm because his “ki” wasn’t flowing properly. He bought a month supply of Chinese medicine (for the low price of 500,000 won--$500 US) and after 3 weeks the pains just went away. Just try asking western doctors what “ki” is and see the blank look on their “educated” faces.

So nice try western doctors, but you’ll have to do just a little more before you can catch up with what we have here in the East. It’s taken you 2,000 years to come up with your “Placebo,” while here in Asia we’ve had it since time began.

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