World Homeopathy Awareness Week

In case you didn't know, this week is officially World Homeopathy Awareness Week.


I would like to do all I can to help out this worthy cause, so I've cut and pasted below the page on their site which explains just what homeopathy is, along with some very minor editing and additions for clarity.

Let the awarification begin!


What is Homeopathy?


Photo: Samuel Hahnemann, founder of homeopathy (which cures everything from cancer to baldness, by the way)


In 1796 a German doctor, Samuel Hahnemann, discovered a different approach to the exploitation...er...I mean cure of the sick, which he called homeopathy (from the Greek words meaning ‘similar suffering’. It is also known as the slightly more accurate term, 'parateinopathy' from the Greek words meaning 'prolonged suffering'). Like Hippocrates two thousand years earlier he realized that there were two ways of treating ill health, the way of opposites and the way of similars. (And like P.T. Barnum who would come about a hundred years later, he realized that indeed, there is a sucker born every minute.)


Take for example, a case of insomnia. The way of opposites (referred to by homeopaths as 'allopathy', though more commonly known as conventional forms of medicine which require actual evidence of effectiveness), is to treat this by giving a drug to bring on an artificial sleep . This frequently involves the use of large or regular doses of drugs, which can sometimes cause side effects or addiction (and those are bad things, in case you didn't know).


The way of similars, the homeopathic way, is to give the patient a minute dose of a substance, such as coffee, which in large doses causes sleeplessness in a healthy person. Perhaps surprisingly, this will help the patient to sleep naturally (and perhaps even more surprisingly, a lot of people actually buy this theory).

Homeopathic remedies cannot cause side effects and you cannot become addicted to them. This is because only a very minute amount of the active ingredient is used in a specially prepared form (though this might also be because you are basically ingesting the equivalent of a sugar pill).

Your homeopath (don't call them 'homies' for short, by the way, unless you are black and that's just a part of your culture, then it's cool) will give you a homeopathic medicine or remedy that matches your symptoms as you experience them, as well as individual characteristics: emotional and physical. This is the great flexibility of homeopathy that those ignorant 'allopussies' in conventional medicine just can't compete with. The homeopathic system is so flexible, as a matter of fact, that you could go to ten different homeopaths for the same illness and get ten completely different treatments. That, of course, makes homeopathy potentially 10 times more effective than conventional medicine.

How it works

Homeopathic medicines work by stimulating the body’s immune system. This stimulus will assist your own system to clear itself of any expression of imbalance. (In medical terminology, we call this method a 'placebic response initiation'.)


What will happen once treatment starts

A number of changes may happen after taking your homeopathic remedy. Some patients experience a period of exceptional well being and optimism. Homeopaths are really happy when this happens and sometimes, for a brief moment, even wonder if all this shit really does work.

Occasionally symptoms appear to get worse for a short time. This makes homeopaths sad and sometimes, for a brief moment, realize they do not have clue fucking one about what they are doing.

But wait! Worsening symptoms are actually a good sign that the remedy is taking effect. Sometimes a cold, rash or some form of discharge may appear as a ‘spring cleaning’ effect which means your system is going through a cleaning stage. Yeah, that's it. And similarly, old symptoms can reappear, usually for a short period. These symptoms will pass, and must not be treated, as they are a very important part of the healing process. Some patients do not notice any changes at all in the beginning of their treatment. In this case a change in the dosage and or selection of remedy may be necessary.

So basically, after receiving homeopathic treatment you could either get better, worse or just stay the same, but regardless these are all signs that it is working. Only in the event that none of the above three results occur should you consider the homeopathic treatment a failure.

If any response to your treatment concerns you, contact your homeopath as soon as you can , as it is important to know what happens as treatment progresses. He also may need to contact his lawyers to make sure he isn't liable for anything.


How long the treatment takes

This depends very much on what sort of illness you have, as well as the other individual characteristics of your case (such as your levels of income and gullibility). Your homeopath will typically only be able to predict treatment time after observing your response to homeopathic medicines. After something does happen, however, you can expect the homeopath to say that he knew that would happen all along and there is no way you can prove that he didn't. A slowly developing complaint, or one that you've experienced for many years, may not disappear immediately although an initial response an early improvement often occur. [There's an interesting sentence. I wonder if there's a homeopathic remedy for bad grammar].

Homeopathy cures from the inside, and often outer symptoms such as a skin complaint, are the last to clear. Pretty convenient for us homeopaths, eh? Be patient (and keep the checks coming in)! In the long term it is much better for you to be cured of both the cause of the illness and its symptoms, rather than merely relieving or suppressing the symptoms. Remember that every case is different, and no two patients are alike. Hell, even the most seasoned homeopath has no idea what will happen with any given patient! Such are the mysteries of science!


What about seeing a General Practitioner?
We (and by 'we', I mean us homeopaths and our lawyers) recommend that you should maintain your relationship with your GP. Your GP will be able to arrange any tests or X-rays you may need (we're not really into all that technology and testing stuff, and don't even ask us about all those icky details of human physiology! BORING!). Homeopathy has an alternative philosophy but by working in this way with your GP the two systems of health care can provide complementary services . But if you do actually recover, keep in mind that you can't really prove that it wasn't the homeopathic treatment that made the difference, nor can you prove that you woudn't have DIED if you had only followed your GP's treatment. So there really isn't a logical reason why you shouldn't continue to use homeopathy in the future.


So there it is. Consider yourself all awareded up on the wonders of homeopathy. Spread the word.

What does Feng Shui mean?

Answer: It means people will believe anything.*

Update: Just a day after posting about the LA Zoo feng shui nonsense, I come across another article on feng shui being used in a Mcdonalds in California. When it comes to ridiculous (and costly) bullshit, I guess California has always been ahead of the curve.

Original Post

I caught this story quite late (it ran about a year ago): Zoo pays Feng Shui expert to aid monkeys.

The LA Zoo was at the time preparing a habitat for some golden monkeys on loan from the Chinese government and included in the budget was a $4,500 fee to a feng shui expert to make sure the monkey cages had good 'Qi'. Some excerpts from the article:

Feng shui is in demand among high-end architects and interior designers, but Beverly Hills-based feng shui expert Simona Mainini said the Los Angeles Zoo's effort may be a first in animal enclosure design.

Is feng shui really in demand in the States? I hope to god it is just among old Asian-Americans and a tiny minority of new age types (which might make up the majority of the Beverly Hills population, though). Aren't there enough stupid beliefs in the States already without having to import more from the East?

"It's very experimental," Mainini said. "We don't have any books on feng shui for monkeys. We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

Ah yes, just 'experimental'. This ever so rightly implies that feng shui is based on sound theory backed up by thousands of years of empirical evidence. What a pioneer this Mainini person must be.

So can we believe that this a real experiment then? Is she going to rate the quality of life for these monkeys and compare them with monkeys living in a Feng Shuiless environment? And how will she measure the quality of monkey life? Would monkeys living with good feng shui eat better? Would they be less likely to fling feces? (or should they be more likely to fling feces if they are happy? I can see that going both ways.)

Speaking of feces, has Mainini accounted for poo pile distribution when assessing the Qi energy flows within the cages? Maybe the zoo should pay another 5 grand and have her come back once they can account for the placement of these physical objects. If you don' t believe that a pile of shit can affect the feng shui in a room, just try dumping a load anywhere in your office and see how it affects the positive and negative energy flows of your workplace.

Here is one of the key texts on feng shui that I'm sure Mainini is referring to. (yes, it seems to be an actual book). The title seems a bit redundant.


Notice that two of the authors are 'masters'. Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh....


I wonder how many years, nay, decades of intensive study and research into this practice they must have labored through to achieve that title. Elizabeth Moran (last name pronounced with a stress on the first syllable) has yet to become a master, but they needed someone who knew how to read and type.OK, back to the Master Mainini and her wonderful work at the LA Zoo. I'd like to revisit her last quote in regards to the Darwin reference:

"We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

I’m sure Darwin would be very pleased to see his theories being applied in such scientific ways. Maybe evolutionary biologists should start investigating whether feng shui plays a big role in the evolutionary process? Maybe dinosaurs went extinct because the energy flows in their environment were just out of whack? Maybe it wasn't so much a meteor striking the earth, as it was the bad feng shui caused by the crater itself! Ever thought of that real possibility Mr. Smarty-pants Biologist? Maybe the spotted owls would adjust to the changing environment better if we just dug up and moved a few trees around? Obviously, there is a lot more work to be done for feng shui specialists!

Now I don't really know if what is good for humans is always good for monkeys, but I do know that electric shock therapy is good for getting naughty monkeys to stop doing stupid things, and if it works on monkeys, I'd be willing to give it an 'experimental' try on people like Mainini.

"The viewing building has a Chinese character," said principal architect Charles Mays, who hire Mainini. "We thought it would be more authentic if we went that extra step and made sure it was done with good feng shui."

Ok, include Mr. Charles May in the list of people needing experimental shock therapy. How can someone this idiotic be placed in the role of principal architect of a multi-million dollar project? If you want the building to really be more authentic in a "Chinese character" then just let some Chinese poachers break into the cage, slaughter the monkeys, and sell the body parts to oriental medicine witchdoctors and eat the rest. That's a pretty authentic view of how China has been handling its wildlife for the past few centuries, and would enable us in the West to see the monkeys in their truly natural habitat.

Mainini said she tweaked the plans to maximize the good qi (pronounced chee) [as in 'Cheesus Christ do you people really believe this shit?']. For example, she recommended moving a door on the observation tower or adding a fountain or water feature to "soften, with moisture, the harsh energy" in that area of the tower.

I really wonder just how much work she had to do for that $4,500. Are we to believe that she did anything more than just show up one sunny afternoon, walk around the cage for 5-10 minutes, pull a few of the usual feng shui lines out of her ass, and then rush off to the bank to cash her check? What a sweet scam this whole feng shui thing must be.

Here's another article on this event from csicop.org. Some members of the organization visited an open meeting held by the LA Zoo officials and were able to ask them directly about this bullshit.

Since science seemed to be escaping from the zoo, it was time for a visit from CFI. I was the first community speaker to be heard at the zoo’s March 20 Board of Commissioners meeting and was allowed three minutes to try to convince the commissioners that feng shui wasn’t worth forty-five cents, much less $4,500.

To her credit, one commissioner said she was surprised at hearing this had been approved. The zoo staff member who green-lighted the feng fee was not present to defend him or herself, but another staffer said it was an effort to replicate the cultural aspects of a rural Chinese village where these monkeys are from. “Why not just hire someone to recreate the look of a village,” I asked. “You don’t need all that ‘energy’ mumbo jumbo to make it look the same.”

They seemed to agree, and I got the distinct impression there was at least a hint of embarrassment over the whole affair. We can only hope. . . .

I seriously hope it was more than a hint of embarrassment. It would have been quite entertaining, though, if someone there had tried to defend the decision.

I’ve been working on a list for the most ridiculous superstitions that somehow survive in developed countries and I put Feng Shui right at the top. Note that this list is reserved only for beliefs that are just too incredibly stupid for normal people to believe, yet are accepted by a significant percentage of the population.

So yes, if one of your own beliefs is included in this list, it can be counted as empirical evidence that you may be retarded and you might want to look into it.

Here is what I have so far. Let me know if I’m missing anything or if the order should be changed.

1. Feng shui
2. Astrology/numerology
3. Fan death
4. Moxibustion**
5. Belief that the Star Wars Episode series didn't suck
   
6. ABO Blood type/personality theory (blood type is related to personality traits)
7. spirit 'readings' (communication with spirits, ala John Edward and Slyvia Browne)
8. Professional Wrestling is real
9. Scientology
10. All religions except for the good ones***

* Not sure where this joke originated. Anybody know?

**Although moxibustion works on the same principles as acupuncture, acupuncture is excluded from this list as it has been proven to be an effective placebo, which at least makes it semi-useful.

**The list of Good Religions includes Christianity, Buddhism and Judaism (Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists not yet included, but are encouraged to reapply for acceptance in a few decades. Jehovah Witnesses and Christian Scientists need not reapply)

Dog Meat: Fact from Fiction (or, How Would you Like your Dog Penis?

It's been a while since Oriental medicine got a good pooping upon.

An article at the Joongang daily (hat tip to fellow dog-eater Marmot). Is dog meat more healthy than other meat? Does it really cool your body in the summer? Does it really make your weener sit up and beg for biscuits?

Two 'experts,' one an Oriental medicine doctor and the other some far less entertaining person who actually knows something about human physiology, tackle this controversial issue.

Some portions of the article along with a snarky comment or two.

Professor Ann Yong-geun of Chungcheong University waded into the controversy last month when he said that there is a nutritious property of dog meat that cannot be proven by Western medical science.

Cannot be proven by 'Western medical science.' Of course, this means the empirical method. What exactly, good professor, is the 'non-Western' way to prove something? Proof based on blind faith in superstition? Proof based on anecdotal evidence (which of course, could simultaneously prove and disprove every theory ever produced)? Proof based on how good a theory sounds after the 3rd bottle of soju?

He said in a CBS radio program that although dog meat has less protein and fewer minerals than pork, chicken or beef, eating dishes like gaejangguk and boshintang (dog stew) mysteriously allow more energy to enter the body.

Dog meat has less protein and fewer minerals than other meat, yet somehow it gives people more energy! What a mystery! And how do we know it gives us more energy? That's yet another mystery! Don't try to prove it by your silly Western tests. Obviously physiological tests can't show it! Just believe!

But what if we take three groups of people and put them on a diet identical in every way except one group gets a dog meat supplement, the other chicken, and the other tofu. Prepare the dish in a way that it is very difficult to detect a difference in taste (perhaps just tell them the dog meat is really ostrich meat, or some other meat they probably haven't tried). Then allow them to self-report their energy levels.

If that kind of study came up with consistent results in favor of dog meat, perhaps then we would have proof of this extra energy?

But no! That is yet another 'Western' way of trying to prove something. Dog meat is so beyond that! Even though the people who eat dog meat might not feel or realize they have more energy, and no other test can physically show it, they DO have more energy! What a big ass muther-fucking mystery it is!

Perhaps the good people of Chungcheong university might want to check this guy's diplomas.

Drawing on folklore, others say that dog meat is good for stamina, the liver and the stomach, as mentioned in the Donguibogam, a medical text written by the physician Heo Jun in the Joseon Dynasty.

In unrelated news, Koreans are much more likely to get stomach and liver cancer compared to other races but I digress...

To sort out fact from fiction Bai Young-hee, a food and nutrition professor from Osan College, and Joo Jeong-ju, an Oriental herbal doctor, agreed to analyze the claims behind Korea's dog-eating customs.

Excellent! Please enlighten us, oh mighty sages!

Why is dog meat recommended during summer?

Joo: In traditional herbal medicine, people have four types of temperaments: han, naeng, on and yeol. Han is the coldest and yeol, the hottest. Our ancestors ate food that best suited their temperament or nature and their environment. Ancient Koreans would categorize the temperament of grain, for example, depending on when it is harvested and what kind of soil or climate it was grown in. Barley is grown during fall and winter, so it would be categorized as having a cool temperament.

Our ancestors believed dog meat has a warm temperament. The blood circulates within the body and during the summer, most body heat gravitates to the outer layer of the body. This makes the body core cool and reduces stamina. Ancestors believed that dog meat warms the inside of the stomach, restoring strength.

Did you get all that? The han and the yeol? The part about body heat gravitating and such? Warming of stomachs? Make sense to you?

To date, of all that Joo just spewed out about eating dog meat in the summer, "the blood circulates within the body" is the only thing thus far proven by Western science.

Can Osan University professor Bai Young-hee possibly top that answer?

Why is dog meat recommended during summer?
It is a tradition. Some people say that eating dog meat actually prevents sweating because dogs themselves don’t sweat through their skin but through their tongues. In reality there is very little difference between the temperature of the stomach in the winter and that found in the summer.

That's it? Come on Prof Bai, can't you do better than just spout out facts? Where's the entertainment value in that?

Interesting that some people believe that because dogs don't sweat, eating dog meat will likewise prevent you from sweating. By a similar line of reasoning, could we not conclude that since dogs can lick their own balls, eating dog meat would bestow this ability as well? Has anyone out there experimented with this and would like to share? Of course, we won't ask you to prove it because it is probably unprovable anyway (and I think I'd rather not see it anyway, thank you).

Let's continue learning! My comments are included within the text.

How nutritious is dog meat?

Joo: In Oriental medicine we say it'۪s nutritious for those who lack heat in their body [that would be called 'clinically dead', in Western terminology]. In the past, dog meat was used as a medical treatment and not a delicacy. Ancestors believed that dog meat protects the body as a whole. In fact, many animals including goats, pigs, sparrows and crows were all used in Oriental remedies. It is hard to say which part of the dog is most nutritious or best for the body, [yeah, really hard for someone who doesn't even know the fundamentals of human physiology] although in olden times this claim was made for the genitalia. It is not a matter of how much protein or fat dog meat contains [like they would even know that anyway],ۥ Oriental medicine is based on ancestors'۪ observations and experiences in nature. [not to mention more than a little credulity, see here for more information on the wonderful phenomenon which is Oriental medicine]

I see, so your answer to that question is...what? This kind of answer makes me very curious as to exactly what Oriental 'doctors' actually study in school.

Bai: One hundred grams of raw dog meat contains 60.1 percent water, 19 grams of protein, 20.2 grams of fat and 44.4 milligrams of cholesterol. It also contains vitamins, potassium, ash, phosphorous, iron and sodium. Compared to other meats or ingredients, dog meat has less cholesterol. There are 1,280 milligrams of cholesterol in an egg yolk, 82.4 in tuna and 65.2 in pork. Compared to beef, pork and chicken, dog meat is not high in protein. But it is true that its amino acid content is superior to other meats.

Thank you for answering the question, Professor Bai. Nice to know you actually did more for your study than just sit around drinking dong-dong ju talking about meta-physical mysteries.

Is dog meat really good for stamina?

Joo: Yes, it is, especially gaesoju, or dog wine. Gaesoju is a fermented drink that is distilled by cooking the dog in a double boiler. Moreover, our ancestors used the dog's penis in the gaesoju and as a medicine to supplement energy. But I repeat, most treatments of Oriental medicine were derived from nature and people's experience.

Bonus points to the Jooster for saying the word 'penis.'

Some Questions:

• Is the dog penis placed in the bottle of soju much like the worm can be found at the bottom of a bottle of tequilla?
  
• Would a true man swallow the penis?
  
• Does this dog penis medicine have to be taken orally, or are there other methods (which are probably illegal in most countries)?
  
• How do you prefer your man to take his dog penis medicine, and do you find it stimulating to watch?

Photo Caption: "No, no! I said I wanted my dog well hung!"

Same question to you, Professor Bai (same original question about dog food being good for stamina, that is, you don't have to answer the other questions about dog penis treatments, unless you want to, that is).

Bai: All the ingredients of gaesoju are healthy to some extent. But the influence differs from person to person. For some, dog meat is good for stamina or post-operative recovery. Depending on an individual's body structure, it can supplement nutrition.

Effects vary from person to person...it works for some, not for others...no research studies mentioned to support any of this...

Or to put it another way, dog penis soju can be as good as any other placebo that is out there on the market.

Dog meat eaters say it is easy to digest.

Joo: According to Oriental medicine, dogs and chickens both have a warm temperament. Pork is cool and beef is both. Beef is good for all types of people but it cannot be used as a medical treatment because it does not balance warm or cold. On the other hand, dog meat is used to supplement body warmth. For example, for those who have a stomach disorder, gaesoju is recommended to balance their circulation and to help build up the digestive system.

Bai: Boiled dog meat is similar to beef but softer, making it easy to digest. This is why people in their 50s and 60s prefer eating the dish to beef.

Once again, same planet, different worlds. I don't think Joo even understood the question.

Would you recommend dog meat for the body's nutritional balance?

Joo: Personally, I don't recommend dog meat or gaesoju to my patients. I have religious reasons as well as spiritual reasons. I recognize dogs as pets that share emotions with people. They’re different from cows and pigs, which are domestic animals.

But from time to time, I do offer a gaesoju herb remedy to those who have really weak stomachs who cannot even digest thin gruel. Oriental medicine is an experience-oriented science. Believing is more important than asking why.

Joo, thank you for those last two sentences. That's a very good summary of your entire profession. I have nothing further to add.

Bai: Dog meat is not an essential food; we don't have to eat it in order to survive. In the past people believed they could benefit from eating dog meat. It is up to each individual whether or not to eat it. With changes in living patterns and eating habits, people suffer from different maladies. With such changes, concentrated treatments (Western medicine) are more effective than the so-called balanced ones used by Oriental medicine.

And a big thank you to you as well, Professor Bai, for at least implying one of the obvious truths that most Asians just don't want to face.

And to all you followers of the Oriental medicine religion, may you enjoy the penises of many a dog this summer.

And now some random puppy photo fun!

Now this is what I'm talking about!

GET IN MY BELLY!

Yay! Master is taking us out for a drive in the country!

An ad by a vegetarian group trying to convince people not to eat meat. I understand it didn't have quite the intended effect on Koreans and Chinese. Or expats in Korea named Robert, for that matter.

Idiots. Nobody eats dog with a knife and fork.

This is 'Mary' (the dog, that is). She was rescued from a dog farm by Sun-an (read the moving story here).

You may have won this round, 'Mary', but Sun-an can't be watching you all the time...

Revenant Dog: It has returned from the dead seeking vengeance on all eaters of dogs.

This legend scares the shit out of every Korean and Chinese man alive.

Damn, that picture is the scariest thing I've seen all week.

Check that. This video the Iceberg links here is the scariest thing I've seen all week.

Three Ways to Waste Both Time and Money

Another old post salvaged from the former Pooper site.

There's an article in the Korea Times that came out today called '3 Simple Suggestions for a Healthy Body' (link now dead, but I've copied most of the article below) that I'm not sure was meant as an April Fool's Day joke or not. In addition to having the normal ridiculous content on 'alternative' ways to be healthy (for those believers, I guess every day is April Fool's Day), the writers name is 'Roar Sheppard.' Seriously, who (other than Frank Zappa) would name their kid something like that?

Some choice selections of the article, along with my own commentary:

Let me make three simple suggestions for a healthy body. The first is exercise... I'm referring to Korea's traditional taoist teaching on stretching call Doinbeup. Long before there were doctors in Korea, [and the average lifespan of Koreans, including Doinbeupists, was about 40] Korean taoists learned how to manage the joints of the body through simple movements to maintain the vigor of the organs. Each joint is related to a different organ and, by understanding the simple connection and flow of energy and of course doing the exercises diligently, one can sustain a healthy body.

"Each joint is related to a different organ." There's only one joint, by the way, that is related to the part of your brain that makes you believe this kind of shit, and I understand it's getting far easier to find in Canada these days.

Let's look at an example. Slowly turn your wrist in a circle, clockwise then counter-clockwise. Do you hear any clicking sounds? The wrists may be overtired from clacking on the computer all day. [that, or you forget to remove your watch] The wrists are linked with the lungs and large intestine, and the heart to some extent, so diligently turn them. Also, lift a foot off the ground and twist your ankle. Does it rotate well? If not, lie down on your back and kick your feet together, thus strengthening your kidneys, bladder, and spleen. In this way, learn to know your body.

And that's all there is to it! Don't do something silly like quit smoking or moving out of Seoul to save your lungs, just twirl your wrists around diligently everyday. Sure, you might look stupid doing it, but then again, you are, so it all works out. And then rather than cut back on drinking, you can just lie on your back and kick your ruby slippered feet together until your body magically cures itself.

Doinbeup specialists also realized the body is composed of two energy systems, blood and energy. Western doctors only know of the former [the morons!], but it's the latter that contains the mind, body, and soul. The energy system is made up of 12 meridian lines and 84,000 acupoints. By lightly tapping, pulling, extending, stretching, twisting and turning the joints, the blocked parts slowly open up and a feeling of clarity, clairvoyance, and crispness fills the body.

But perhaps I was too quick to scoff. 12 meridian lines, 10's of thousands of acupoints. How can something that sounds so complicated NOT be true?

And naturally, this stuff is all well researched and tested. What, you think these people would devote their lives to something that is just based on superstition and wishful thinking? I did some intensive research and found this 20-year study, conducted some 1,000 years ago or so by a bunch of bored Taoist monks (I mean really, what the hell else did they have to do all day?).

Apparently, to really make sure their health treatments actually did something, they got 500 subjects and randomly assigned them to four different experimental groups.

Here are the details of the treatments:

Group A 'The twirly-bird group:' Subjects in this group spent 30 minutes a day rotating and twirling various parts of their bodies (while humming popular tunes from musicals).

Group B: "The jerky-boys group" This group spent 30 minutes a day jerking on various parts of their bodies. (the most enthusiastic subject group, they later found).

Group C: "The pokey-group" This group spent 30 minutes a day poking themselves with pointy sticks in various parts of the body.

Group D: The Ro Sham Bo group: See appropriate Southpark episode for the details of this intensive medical practice.

It turned out, in contrast to most people's expectations, that Group A and B subjects were much healthier than those who repeatedly poked themselves with sticks or kicked each other in the nuts daily.

So rotating and jerking were prescribed by Taoists for some time (the original origin of the term 'circle jerk', for all you trivia buffs out there). Eventually they realized that most boys don't really need to be encouraged to do the jerking stuff, so they later focused mostly on the rotating.

Back to Sheppard's mighty roar...

The second method is a psychological one. No matter how much money you spend on fixing a broken faucet, if you don't fix the leak inside the pipes it can't be fixed. It's the same with the body.

There's a ``normal’’ method and a wise method to fix the body. The normal method fixes a headache with Tylenol, the wise method reflects on the internal cause of the headache: What am I worrying about? What habits or behavioral patterns are unsuited to my being? What uncontrollable thoughts are weighing on my mind?

This is great, because I just happened to have woke up with a headache this morning so I decided to try out Roar's suggestion (I wonder if he felt any pressure growing up to yell everything he says, by the way). So rather than take a few tylenols, I asked myself some hard questions and realized that I am not at peace with others around me, and this stems from my inability to really accept and love myself for who I am, and not try to be the kind of person that others wish me to be.

Oh, and the 9 beers and 6 tequila shots I had last night probably didn't help much either.

The wise method is not promoted well in society today. Reflection is hard and painful, as is changing the habit that caused the pain. First recognize that comfort neither exists nor is desirable. With comfort, growth is impossible. It is through pain and conflict, whether large or small, that you develop as a person.

Allow me to paraphrase that for you: Comfort does not exist, and despite not existing, it makes growth impossible.

So you see, when you are in pain, you need to reflect, and this in turn leads to more pain which is great, because now you are a better person because of it. I guess this is why I should be very pleased right now because after reading and thinking about this article, my headache has gotten a helluva lot worse. If someone would just come along and Ro Sham Bo me right now, I'd probably attain instant enlightenment and/or nirvana.

Well, we've come a long way in a short time, from traditional taoist Doinbeup exercises to release blocked energy and tense joints all the way to facing our worst fears _ our own mind.

Yes, we've come along way, from ancient superstition to modern new age psycho-babble feel good bullshit.

This calls for a happy new-age rainbow picture.

Lead us to the final Oasis of Wisdom, oh great Sheppard.

Lastly, I will briefly mention a palatable method: Ttum. What's that? It's a basic treatment, also know as moxibustion (to burn something), to warm the body. As you know, all sickness originates in coldness. [you did know that, right? That's why the real serious diseases like malaria and typhoid are so common in places like Siberia] Ttum [pronounced 'dumb', I think] is made up of mugwort. Mugwort, whether as a food, tea, or as moxi (in this sense a small candle) is a traditional method [read: untested and unproven, see also 'superstition'] to heal the body, and promote circulation through heat.

Moxibustion: That smell of charred flesh means it's working!

Moxi is burned on the hands. Oriental doctors burn would also burn it on thee [I think the proofreader was on a smoke break at this point in the article] stomach or knees, but these often leave scars. [no shit?] Instead find a local sujichim, Koryo Hand Acupuncture office, and buy moxi for the hands. Traditional Korean hand acupuncture claims that hand acupoints stabilize the organs.

Wait a minute. I thought we had already established earlier that the joints were related to the organs. Now points on the hands are related to all the organs?

Perhaps we should believe that everything OTHER than the actual organs themselves are related to the organs? Sounds good to me.

I'd love to hear you guys give advice for auto repair some day. 'What's that? A problem with your engine? No sweat, just rotate your tires and you'll be as good as new. Oh, and clean out your ashtrays too."

Just place them anywhere on the center of the hand, from the palm up the 3rd finger to the top, front and back. Make sure to place something under them as they are hot! A small box a day will heat cold bodies and balance over-heated ones. Oh, one last thing.

[the paragraph ends there. Perhaps that is the way 'Roar' likes to finish paragraphs, or maybe he thinks that works as a smooth transition to the conclusion paragraph. Or maybe the proofreader just couldn't get through this entire shitty article and quit working on it after the fourth paragraph.

Anyway, I hope that 'one last thing' that got cut out of the article wasn't some crucial information like "Oh one last thing, the nurses there also give complimentary hand jobs."

Cheer up. Korea's a beautiful place. Just with the fact you are in such a lovely place as northeast Asia, should make you content. How lucky you are!

Kind words, but if Korea is the kind of place that should make us content, and contentment, being the evil twin brother of 'comfort', can deny us personal growth, wouldn't that make Korea a bad place?

He is Sheppard, hear him roar!

Thanks for the best April Fool's Day article I've read in a long time Roar. I'll be looking for more of your stuff in the future.

Kimchi Folklore--Bird Flu Virus cure

Sales of kimchi and sauerkraut have reportedly spiked due to claims that kimchi can fight the Bird Flu virus.

An agriculture official at the Korean Embassy in Washington, Kim Jae-su, said despite growing concern over the hygiene and safety of kimchi in Korea following a recent parasite scare, many U.S. media reported the virtue of kimchi in treating bird flu, and sauerkraut manufacturers were trying to boost sales by riding on the coattails of that popularity.

The 'virtue' of kimchi in treating bird flu is based on ONE research study that the researchers themselves admitted was not conclusive. That was back in March and things have been fairly quiet since then, which seems more than a little odd. The only thing I found was this and this. (basically, a month ago they shipped off some special 'kimchi-feed' to an Indonesian zoo. Why wait for scientific verification before making a little money, eh?)

But even if no further research comes out to prove the theory, or even if research comes out that disproves the theory (though I doubt the Korean media would be bothered to report on it), the myth that kimchi cures yet another deadly disease will be etched onto the collective consciousness of the Korean people.

This lady's name just happens to be Adi Kimchi. She's a professor in a cancer research institute.

Hasn't anyone told her that to find the cure to cancer she has only to look to her surname? I mean, could God give her a bigger clue to solve the mystery of her chosen life's work?

I hear she actually smells rather pleasant, by the way.

Anyhoo, sauerkraut has the same bacteria strain that researchers extracted from kimchi for their research (conducted on sick chickens, by the way. I guess they couldn't get the chickens to eat kimchi in its normal, stinky state).

If this research actually pans out, which choice do you think the average westerner will choose?

A. Spicy cabbage that smells and tastes like it was left to rot in a jar for several months (because, well, it was) and leaves your breath with that sharp 'garlicious' tang that makes the ladies weak at the knees (and stomach)?

B. A product they are already familiar with that DOESN'T stink up the entire refrigerator, despite being placed in 5 separately sealed airtight containers?

The best thing about sauerkraut, of course, is that it is often encountered in the vacinity of a big piece of greasy meat and copious amounts of German beer.

--

More from the article:

“Last year, when kimchi drew attention for its efficacy in curing SARS, which hit Southeast Asia, the U.S. media took no interest,” Kim said.

The first clause of that sentence is 100% 황소똥. There never was a single study that even suggested kimchi could do anything for curing or preventing SARS. It was a complete fabrication of the Korean media (not the scientific community in Korea, save for a few people trying to pass themselves off as scientists) that I've already covered in detail here. If the U.S. media took no interest in that piece of uber-nationalistic folklore, well, then I guess it's nice to know that occasionally they can do something right.

This pic has no real relation to this post, other than the fact that I got it from a site called 'kimchiLand.org.

This is the only kind of Corean nationalism I am interested in seeing.

And if sketchings don't do it for you, how about a picture of a doll some girl named 'Kimchi Girl'? Kimchi girl is the one on the right, by the way. The other is Pattie.

She has taken the pics off of her blog. You'll have to type 'kimchi girl' into a search engine to find the rest of this fascinating collection.

--

But who am I to tell you kimchi doesn't cure and/or prevent everything from AIDS to the Black Death? Join the Faith and double up on your kimchi if you feel you must. Oh, and make sure it isn't any of that poisonous Chinese kimchi (especially the kind that comes from Korean companies that moved their plants over to China to take advantage of the more 'reasonable' wages and health standards the Chinese pride themselves on).

As for me, I'll stick with my own proven diet of Burger King Whoppers, galbi, 'Mexican' fried chicken and the occasional Krispykreme doughnut that has kept me free for 30+ years from AIDS, SARS, bird flu, and every other disease save the common cold and flu. Say what you will, but I've got just as much 'proof' that my diet fights every serious disease known to man as kimchi does for it.

Selected Comments from the original post

If I were the type to whack off to sketches, I'd definitely whack off to the sketch of the large-eyed Korean chick wearing a flag.

Then again, the fact that the flag has been drawn incorrectly is something of a turnoff. Take a look at the trigrams and the orientation of the t'ae-geuk in the middle. What sort of dumbass cartoon bitch wears a badly drawn Korean flag? I bet the artist was Japanese.

Meat unbeaten,

Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | November 12, 2005 at 08:02 AM

Now, Honourable Pooper, since when does something in Korea have to have one shard of proof in order to be believed by 100% of the population. If "Professor" Kim Mum-fuk said it, it was on TV and and it strokes Korean nationalism, it is Gospel, even it if makes Korea a laughing stock.

Probably the best example is "fan death." There was never a single Korean I have ever met that did not completely believe in it. I worked in Daegu for serveral years which is known for blast-furnace summers. A class of very smart seniors told me "be sure never to sleep with the fan on." I replied that that was pure poppy-cock and a gasp ensued. When I further informed them that I slept with the a/c on full blast a look of panic ensued. When I returned to work on Monday one student told me "I am surprised you lived through the weekend."

Posted by: kimchipig | November 12, 2005 at 10:28 AM

Kim Jae-su. Jae-su. That's another classic name. I am compiling a list of cruel Korean names to give my children if I ever have them.

Posted by: Joel | November 12, 2005 at 04:20 PM

Koreans and their kimchi. The national identity is completely tied up with the rotting cabbage. "No, we didn't invent physics, rock 'n roll, baseball, skyscrapers, logic, etc etc, but we do a mean stinky vegetable side dish!"

Posted by: Sharon Stoned | November 12, 2005 at 05:16 PM

Morning pooper! Just to let you know that my blog has moved due to being hacked by a couple of morons! Does anybody know the medicinal value of this blood sucking practise in Korea that leaves marks similar to giant love bites? Apparently the blood is bad and black in colour..........

Posted by: leone | November 12, 2005 at 06:59 PM

If the U.S. media took no interest in that piece of uber-nationalistic folklore, well, then I guess it's nice to know that occasionally they can do something right.

Priceless.

Posted by: Curzon | November 13, 2005 at 08:30 PM

the flag chick looks like lee hyo-ri, which equals the plainest looking "hot" girl in history.

Posted by: P. | November 14, 2005 at 06:44 AM

This doesn't have anything to do with kimchi, or it has everything to do with it, you decide:

http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/317-peepee.htm

Posted by: Giant Panda | November 15, 2005 at 02:29 AM

Oriental Dentistry

Another post saved from oblivion from my old Pooper site. Some choice comments from the original post are included as well.

Here's an interesting article from the Korea Times on "oriental dentist clincs." The author, alternative medicine guru Dr.* Park Chan-joo, poses the question:

"How do suppose [sic] people in ancient times dealt with toothaches and other dental problems? "

The answer? Will, the true answer of course is that the supposed Oriental doctors of that time just dished out some bullshit advice and ridiculous "treatments" until the tooth completely decayed and they just had to pull the damn thing.

However, for an "alternative" answer to that glaring truth, Dr. Park describes the glorious product of thousands of years of oriental learning and wisdom.

Teeth were considered by the ancients to be extensions or protrusions of your bones. Just as bones are related to the kidneys, teeth are also controlled and nourished by that organ. So, it is said that when your energy or ``chong,’’ the essential bodily material stored in the kidneys, is weak, you can have dental problems.

Buckle up and hold and tight as we try to ride this rickety roller-coaster of unreason. Teeth are bones, which is obvious because teeth are white and so are bones. Bones are related to the kidney which is obvious because...well, anyway, it's obvious and therefore if you get a cavity it's because you have kidney problems.

Got it? No questions? Good, because she's just getting started!

Of the five elements, the upper gums belong to the earth element, which by the way is unique to oriental medicine.

Yeah, unique to oriental medicine. Isn't it amazing that no one else in the world came to the same conclusion? This great insight allowed oriental doctors to know where to use acupuncture in order to cure tooth decay. She doesn't mention why acupuncturists still do not follow this practice.

Tooth ailments have specific symptoms and require special treatment. Toothaches, for example, are caused by accumulated heat in the intestines, which cause your gums to be swollen and your breath to smell bad.

You know, I don't even think the oriental doctors of yesteryear were even trying to make sense. Toothaches come from heat in the intestines? How much opium do you have to smoke before that makes sense? Honestly, believing that toothaches are caused by tiny invisible gnomes pounding on your teeth with their wee little gnome hammers makes more sense than this.

Now, you might say, hey, Pooper, she isn't saying that this old belief is true. She is just explaining how things used to be in the past.

But if you read her columns faithfully as I do (and believe me, she never fails to entertain and amuse), you know that she eats all this shit up. She's an oriental doctor, so to question any of the ancient wisdom would undermine their entire religion practice.

Just as with other health related issues, prevention is preferred to treating problems after they occur.

True, but the prevention she talks about is not avoiding sweets, brushing and flossing, and seeing a dentist regularly. It's 'clicking your teeth gently' in the morning and 'gargling' with any liquid. If that makes any sense to you, then be my guest and click away, but I'll stick with my trusty toothbrush, thanks.

Although there are few people who go to see an oriental dentist about their tooth problems, the lessons from this old medical book can be helpful.

As usual, no studies to back up any of this. Just dish out the bullshit to the idiots who keep people like Dr. Park in business. Thank the gods for stupid people, huh?

We look forward to your next column, Dr. Park. Your entire profession might be built on superstition and quackery, but if laughter is really the best medicine, your column is doing a world of good.

*the title of "Doctor" here is not to be confused with the kind of doctor who actually knows the human body and can cure things

Select comments on the original post:

I try to avoid reading the KT as a rule, but that was hee-larious. "Dr. Henry" isn't nearly as funny, but he has his moments, like "Dirt can be removed by simply taking a shower" in his classic "How to Take a Shower in Summer." But the all-time winner is "How to Block or Open the Bunghole"--I shit you not: http://search.hankooki.com/times/times_view.php?terms=bunghole+code%3A+kt&path=hankooki1%2Fkt_culture%2F200104%2Ft2001042015341746110.htm

Posted by: Michael | April 09, 2005 at 07:03 PM

Michael, that article was wild. That guy is a total nut (in a lovable way, that is). Good stuff.

Posted by: scott | April 10, 2005 at 07:46 AM

I'll be needing a wisdom tooth pulled in the next couple weeks, and this sounds like the guy to do it. Thanks.

Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | April 15, 2005 at 10:34 PM

hiiiiiiii!!!! i liked reading some of your articles. they are funny! i'm interested in korea, and i dont know much about it. i was adopted from there, and was wondering how i looked compared to the other girls there? heheh

Posted by: miki | April 29, 2005 at 07:51 PM

Hi Miki. I'm glad you liked the posts. It's admirable that you are trying to find out about your country of birth, but a little scary that you might be learning about it from my site. ;)

As for how you look in comparison with Korean girls; that's hard to say since I've never seen a picture of you. But odds are that if you just double the amount of makeup you currently put on in the morning then you would probably look very similar to the average girls here.

Posted by: partypooper | May 01, 2005 at 06:28 AM

I disagree with your assessment. Have you ever visited an oriental clinic before? At first, I thought acupuncture was a total sack of shit but now I'm a fan. Next time you sprain your ankle, don't whine to your doc that icing doesn't help - check out your local taboo yellow witch doctor :)

Posted by: steve | May 02, 2005 at 05:06 AM

I nominate Dr. Park for a never-ending, Arirang TV "loop."

Posted by: A Yank Abroad | May 29, 2005 at 08:17 AM

Chinese Medicine 만세!!!

Another post from the old site which complements the previous article. It linked to an old Onion article ("FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo") which is available only to premium subscribers. Relevant paragraphs are included below in bold, with my own words of wisdom in between.

It appears that there is a new drug hitting the market that will give Chinese medicine (한약) some severe competition. Like Chinese medicine, this drug reportedly cures everything.

"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo. It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any of the analgesic properties."

Unfortunately, this new drug is proving to be nearly identical in efficacy to our traditional Chinese medicine. It is a very serious challenge. However, all is not lost. It seems that this “miracle drug” does have some side effects:

Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."

As you know, Chinese medicine has ZERO side effects. In the few cases where it seemed that the patient had some side effects, it was later determined that they actually were suffering from over-exposure to electric fans or western food (as a matter of fact, it was probably the Chinese medicine they had taken that prevented certain death). I’m pretty sure it was legit, because I saw the Chinese medicine doctors say this on TV, and they wore white coats and had a lot of books in their office and everything, just like real doctors.

Just look at that picture! Now something that complicated MUST be true!

Now I know there are some overly skeptical people out there who somehow doubt the efficacy of Chinese medicine. Allow me to edumicate you on the subject. School’s in session Buckwheat, sit down and get out your pencil.

Photo: From left to right: Mother of all Koreans (the bear), Tangun, one rascally tiger (who was unable to become a Korean because he reportedly left the cave and ate at a Mcdonalds)

1: Chinese medicine has been around for something like, I don’t know, 21,000 years. As everyone knows, people were actually more enlightened back then and had direct communication with deity (i.e. God talking to Adam and Eve, Tangun and that bear chick in the cave, etc.). Furthermore, if something has survived for a long time, then obviously it must be true. To suggest otherwise implies that humans are capable of being ignorant and superstitious (which we know for a fact only applies to cultures and races different from ours).

Photo: President of the Korean Oriental Medicine Society (sporting the latest hairstyle from North Korea), Lee Ju-young : Serious looking man, serious medicine.

2: There is, like, tons of scientific evidence that Chinese medicine cures everything better than western medicine. This research is conducted by researchers in Oriental Medicine colleges all over Asia. Since their entire chosen livelihood depends on their research showing the efficacy of Chinese Medicine, you know that they have strong motivation to be extremely thorough and careful in their research. Thus, they are much more dependable than some coldly neutral research lab that lacks a vested interest. I’m sure unbiased researchers would do a half-ass job as they just don’t have the passion and drive that our Oriental College researchers have to get the results they want.

3: For all you smart-asses that point out the supposed “fact” that the lifespan of Asians was quite low until the introduction of western medicine, you just don’t know the whole story. The lifespan of Asians was so low due to Japanese aggression and other foreign interference. Those damn Japanese systematically killed everyone over the age of 50. I don’t have the link to the research, but I heard it from my seniors while drinking one night. I think I also heard that foreign governments from Europe and America interfered as well somehow, and prevented the Korean people from getting oriental medicine. I don’t have any links to support this as of yet, but I wrote a letter to the Hankoryeh newspaper and they assured me that they would put together a highly factual article in the near future.

4. Chinese medicine tastes really bad. We have a proverb here in Korea, “입에 쓴 약이 병에는 좋다” (Bitter medicine is good for what ails you). Chinese medicine tastes roughly 10 times worse than western medicine (cherry flavor? What the hell is up with that?). Ergo, Chinese medicine is 10 times better.

5. The anecdotal evidence supporting Chinese medicine is literally in the millions, if not billions. Just the other day I heard a great story about a friend’s father (who recently passed away due to advanced stomach cancer, God rest his soul) who was suffering from indigestion and abdominal pains (probably from eating western food). He went to an oriental doctor and he found out that his heart was too warm because his “ki” wasn’t flowing properly. He bought a month supply of Chinese medicine (for the low price of 500,000 won--$500 US) and after 3 weeks the pains just went away. Just try asking western doctors what “ki” is and see the blank look on their “educated” faces.

So nice try western doctors, but you’ll have to do just a little more before you can catch up with what we have here in the East. It’s taken you 2,000 years to come up with your “Placebo,” while here in Asia we’ve had it since time began.

Complementary medicine and dumb celebrities

[A repost from the old Pooper blog--select comments from the old blog included in the post]

People often assume that if a person is very successful in one area of his or her life, this person would probably be successful in other aspects as well. Oprah Winfrey, for example, is extremely successful in entertainment and business, but in her books and on her show when she talks about issues outside her realm of expertise, some people wrongly assume that she knows more about that particular field than their local garbage man. They'll then quote Oprah on whatever her opinion may be as if they are refering to an expert. "Oh, it's true. I heard it on Oprah."

In critical thinking terminology this is called "faulty appeal to authority."

When people turn to celebrities for advice on love, dieting, politics, etc., the technical term for this critical thinking error is called "extremely fucked up appeal to authority."

Celebrities may be good musical artists or actors (note to Will Smith, you only fall into the "good actor" category), but they don't lead the most stable of lives (what is the divorce rate of celebrities, 90%? A Guiness on tap in Hongdae to the first person who can name 3 famous celebrities over the age of 40 who have never divorced). Considering how messed up most of their lives are, it is probably better wisdom to find out what they do and think and then proceed to do the opposite.

I found this article on celebrities and "complementary medicine" on a MSN homepage (UK). I'd link it, but I can't find it now and basically I cut and paste the whole thing here anyway. Let's find out what these "experts" have to say on health and well-being, shall we?

How does Madonna hold on to pop-icon status, a toy-boy husband, deal with two small kids and look so good aged 45? Dedication and sheer hard work play a part, but so does a regime of different philosophies and therapies, from Ashtanga yoga to Jewish Kabbala and palmistry to mantra therapy

She owes her success to weird philosophies and mantra therapy? No. She owes her success to finding out what image low-attention span clones will buy into next. No one has gone so far in the celebrity world on so little talent. Her singing and dancing are subpar, she doesn't write her own music and let's not even get into her acting. Even Celine Dion can at least claim that she has a good voice. Madonna's only real talent is shamelessly playing the image game.

Does she really "look so good at age 45?" I'm not seeing it, but whatever looks she has held onto are most likely more the result of plastic surgery than anything else? Come on, no nips and tucks? No bi-annual injections of Botox?

Here's a nice article on the Madonna facelift controversy (scroll down for a good quote by Sharon Osbourne, wife of heavy metal GOD Ozzy Osbourne).

(Damn, I just realize I've given away the name of one celebrity who is over 40 and hasn't divorced (and actually has a relationship with his children. Ozzy Osbourne: a role-model for celebrities everywhere to aspire to.)

Now I'm not against plastic surgery (as long as you don't go freakshow Michael Jackson on us), but don't feed us this shit about some quack medicine helping you look young when you have a plastic surgeon's number on your speeddial.

By the by, here's a before and after page on celebrities with plastic surgery for those interested in such things (You'll never guess what kind of surgery Dolly Pardon and Anna Nicole Smith have had done. Ok, maybe you will).

Madge's mate Gwyneth Paltrow is another devotee of complementary medicine. She credits acupuncture with helping her choose her Coldplay singer hubby Chris Martin. We can't promise you will find love, but it is said to treat everything from headaches to high blood pressure. More recently, Gwyn caused a stir by her overt display of the cupping technique she is reported to have been trying

Acupuncture to help you find a rock singer? Wow. I wonder what part of the body they have to put the needle in to make something like that happen. I'm guessing it's directly into the skull where it can pierce into the frontal lobe of the brain. Then, with just a few expert twists of the needle, you'll soon find yourself believing that acupuncture can do most anything!

Uh, no idea what the "cupping technique" means, unless it's related to masturbation and a cold cup of water. If she is trying something like that, then I can see how this might cause quite a stir.

Ah yes, and acupuncture treats "everything from headaches to high blood pressure."

Or, to put it in different (but slightly more accurate) words, acupuncture is only clinically proven to treat headaches and high blood pressure.

Or to put in yet another way, acupuncture is only clinically proven to treat headaches and high blood pressure, but just not very well.

But don't get me started on the anecdotal evidence!

By the way, Gwyneth once swore to me that she has never had a boob job and you know what? I believe her.

The ever-youthful Demi Moore is a big fan of Klamath Lake algae, which she says helps her to combat the stresses in her life. This mouthful of a therapy involves ingesting algae from Klamath Lake, Oregon, US and claims to be full of nutrients and anti-oxidants

Cooooool…ingesting algae. Not "eating" algae on a lovely crisp salad or "drinking" algae in a delightful frosty form of a shake, but "ingesting." To me, this gives the image of some kind of slimey swamp monster sucking down tons of algae off the floor of the mighty Klamath lake into its purple, fleshy maw, periodically taking a break to surface, rear its head back and give a blood curdling throaty wail into the full moon sky.

On second thought, that image probably comes more from it just being an aging Demi Moore than from the word "ingest", but anyway, it works for me.

This ranks only slightly less disgusting than drinking one’s own piss for health benefits. Demi, there are other sources of nutrients and anti-oxidants out on the market, trust me on this one. Kudos to Bruce Willis (one of my favorite actors of all time) for divorcing this ding-bat.

The former supermodel Christy Turlington is a strong believer in India's oldest healing system, Ayurveda, meaning the science of life. So much so that she has brought out her own range of Ayurvedic products.

Now actually, this makes her slightly less retarded than other followers of “complementary medicine”, since, unlike all the others, by selling this snake oil she actually gets some form of tangible benefit from it.

More on "Ayurveda" in just a bit...

Although Ayurveda is a complete medical system, its main claim to fame is to cleanse and rejuvenate, which may explain why ageing celebs like Goldie Hawn and Madonna (is there anything the Material Girl won't try?) are fans

A “complete medical system?” What, so this treats cancer? AIDS? Jock Itch? Tooth decay? I bet if I bothered to look up statistics on the life span of the average Indian I'd find it has been something like in the low 100s for thousands of years. Right? I mean, they've been so lucky to have always had this "complete medical system" since time began and all. God, why do we even bother with western medicine at all?

By the way, a sure sign that some "medicine" or "therapy" is just snake oil is when they claim it cures more than 5 different ailments, regardless of how biologically unrelated these ailments might be.

Dumb Patient: "So you're saying if I walk around all week with this crystal strapped to my penis my chest pains will go away?"

Quack: "Yes, and it will also cure your asthma, clear up that acne, improve your digestion, and prevent fatigue.

Dumb Patient: "Oh really? Great. And will it make my penis larger too?"

Quack: "Don't be silly. For that you need to wash your hair in horse piss. By mighty Vishnu, do they teach kids nothing in schools these days?"

[by the way, while preparing this post I was hoping to find some actual "traditional" method of penis enlargement to put into the above dialogue (entertain and educate, that's my motto), but just typing the word "penis" alone into any search engine brings up thousands of penis enlargement products to wade through, making it nearly impossible to quickly find what I was looking for. Terrified that someone might walk by and notice that I was scrolling though page after page of penis enlargement links (I do my bloggin in the library these days), I had to cut it short (as always, bad pun intended) and just make up the "remedy" about the horse piss. My apologies for not maintaining my normal high standards of accurate blogging journalism.]

Ok, back to Goldie's post.

"Cleanse and rejuvenate?" First off, Goldie hasn’t looked golden for more than a decade, and secondly, refer back to the earlier rant about face lifts and Botox injections. Anyway, I bet Christy Turlington and others in the "Ayurveda industry" are not too pleased with having Goldie's worn face being associated with their product.

Now we enter the world of the weird... certain stars, including Drew Barrymore and Kate Hudson, have turned to Wicca (a type of witchcraft), which claims to provide spiritual guidance in stressed-out times – spooky

I guess Wicca explains Barrymore's "magical" performances in the Charlies Angels movies that have won her so much acclaim.

Anyway, Letterman seems to be fond of her so in respect to Him, I'll just leave her alone.

Breathing lessons
Ummm, this is something us mere mortals manage to do automatically. However, Richard Gere and Arnold Schwarzenegger have both taken part in breathing programmes to improve their lung capacity

Now this is not unlike how I am able to increase my bladder capacity by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

No, actually my "health technique" does have a proven medical benefit: no kidney stones. Unless Gere and Arnold are able to hold in larger hits of marijuana than your average hippie, I'd say their breathing techniques is just a fancy waste of time (and probably an expensive one to if a trained "breathing guru" needs to be around).

Yoga
Geri Halliwell credited her super-slim figure to yoga, before admitting it was really down to the illness bulimia. This didn't stop her bringing out her own yoga-fitness video, though...

I’ll buy another beer for anyone able to identify who the hell Geri Halliwell is/was. As far as I now, yoga is a legit form of exercise so this shouldn't be here at all, but something evil in me just giggles gleefully every time I hear about another superstar turning out to have bulimia. Maybe it's just my way of coping with the fact that I never made it big as a heavy-metal guitarist, who knows.

Reflexology
This is based on the principle that there are reflexes in the feet that correspond to every gland, organ and part of the body. Famous names who have turned to this therapy for relaxation are Princess Di and pop diva Dina Carroll

Reflexes in the feet that correspond to all glands and organs in the body, great. I'm surprised western medicine didn't beat you to that common sense finding. I'm guessing that the big toe corresponds to the tongue, because every time I stub it expressions like "Fuck" "Jesus H. Christ" "God Damnit" "Allah is Fucking Mediocre at Best" and occaisonally "18 dog babies" automatically pour out of my mouth.

This reminds me, if any of you are interested in starting your own bullshit complementary medicine regimen, you’d better act fast before every potential ridiculous theory has been taken.

Select Comments to this post saved from the old blog

Until you've been in these peoples lives you can talk all the shit you want and probably will. And for all the stars out there who look and feel great because of alternative medicine, yoga, or even surgery. MORE POWER TO YOU!!!!

Posted by: Auntie April | April 18, 2005 at 09:05 PM

If you bothered to do any legitimate research on the topics you mention- such as the health benefits of acupuncture and yoga-- rather than relying on People magazine as your primary news source, you would find that these modalities are proven to work and have been FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Posted by: acugirl | February 12, 2007 at 05:14 PM

Acugirl, if you bothered doing any legitimate research from actual scientists on any of the topics mentioned, you'd soon realize that 'alternative medicine' quacks have been fooling others and themselves into believing their nonsense works FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Here's something for you to think over. All of the above BS has been around FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS and yet, until medicine based on the scientific method came around, the average life span of people around the world was about 40. The number of major diseases cured by alternative medicine still stands at 0. Thousands of years of practice and practically nothing to show for it. How embarrassing.

But hey, it's your health and money. If you've found a placebo that works for you, be it sticking needles in your body, eating powdered tiger gonads, drinking monk's piss or what have you, then more power to you.

Posted by: partypooper | February 13, 2007 at 02:24 AM

Great article. I laughed my ass off all the way. Stick to science and ignore these idiots that talk about walking a mile in madonna's shoe.

Posted by: arvindh | March 04, 2007 at 10:21 PM