Our Fearless Commander-in-chief and The Man Who Would Be King.
These are the men who would run the most powerful country in the history of the world.
God have mercy...
The elections are just around the corner and with so much bickering and mud-slinging already started, I'm sure you are all worrying yo purty little heads over who to vote for. Allow me to cut through the sound and fury of the spin doctors for you. The Party Pooper: I poop, you decide.
1. Past Records of Achievement (or lack thereof)
Kerry: Spent 19 years on the Hill and proposed 1 bill worth mentioning that passed (grants to women small business owners), unless such things as marine research and officially renaming federal buildings get you excited.
Bush: Drank a lot when he was young, got into good schools with his father's help, failed in more than a dozen business enterprises (funded by Daddy), and briefly became owner of a bad baseball team (Thanks again Dad!).
2. Stand on the issues
Kerry: Switches positions when politically expedient: Bush's education bill, The Big Brother Act (also known as the Patriot Act), Gulf War (against Part 1, for the Sequel).
Bush: Stands very firmly on his issues, that is, as soon as Daddy and his buddies tell him what they are. Has an outstanding record of consistency in regards to supporting the rich and alleviating their suffering.
3. Foreign Policy
Kerry: Voted to cut military spending in 1996, voted to cut Military Intelligence after the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center. Thinks Kim Jeong il just needs a good heart-to-heart talk, a better hair-dresser and maybe a hug and then he'll come around. Loses sleep at night worrying that the world doesn't love us like it used to back when...uh...when...oh yeah, back when we were saving their asses from fascism and communism.
Bush: Increased military spending because spending more on military than the next 20 countries combined is just not good enough (that is, once he was informed that there were more than 20 countries other than the US). Loses no sleep over what hippies in other countries think of 'merika (hell, sometimes he even sleeps until noon!).
As for North Korea, there's still time for Bush to set what would be a practically unbeatable record of three separate major conflicts/wars in one presidential term. You can do it!
4. Military Service
Kerry: Served honorably in the Vietnam War, was awarded medals (without having to go through the inconvenience of suffering a wound requiring a stay in the hospital), came back the US and protested the war. Publicly threw away medals belonging to other vets, giving the impression that they were his own (he still has his). This, of course, is enough to automatically negate the fact that he actually put himself in harm's way in the fight against communism and initself leads credence to the rumor (officially starting right now by me, spread it around) that he slept with "Hanoi Jane" Fonda AND a young Hillary Clinton (though she denies that she "inhaled," so to speak).
Bush: Served honorably in the National Guard (definition of "honorably" in this case being that he can prove he was paid). Proved his patriotism and willingness to sacrifice all for his country by showing up for service quite often, not being AWOL that much, and coming within a year of completing his service before somehow getting permission to join a campaign staff.
5. Special Interests
Kerry: Has raised more money from lobbyists than any other senator in the last 15 years. On the bright side, Kerry does absolutely nothing for the corporations that give him the money (refer back to #1).
Bush: Has a strict policy of only receiving money from lobbyists whom he actually intends to shape and/or break the laws for. How are them Halliburton stocks doing these days anyway?
Conclusion:
Democracy doesn't work.
Any questions?
First posted Tuesday, 17 February 2004
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