Friday, October 15, 2004

Captain Howdy Files

The following were first posted on the Korean Herald forum by one "Captain Howdy." The good captain is a dear old chum of mine whom, if memory serves, I first met while trying to contact the spirit of Rob Pilatus (the day the lip synced music died...) on a ouija board I bought for $7.95 at Toys R Us (fun for the whole family! Ages 8 to adult, candles and fresh blood of virgins sold separately).

Occasionally "El Capitan de Holla" will kick back one too many peach flavored Hichu beverages and will get on the Korean Herald forum and run in an amuckly fashion. Few if anyone (save the completely lovable and insane Forgotit) respond. Pearls good captain, pearls...

After a particularly bizarre exchange between Captain and Forgotit was censored by the forum monitor, I begged the Captain to save whatever he wrote and send it to me to be posted on this blog.

And so he did.

I tell the Captain to start his own blog, as he so often threatens to do, so he can tell people "what they really want to know about Korea." However, he's worried it will cut into his "whoremongering" time so it is not yet to be. As a service to my beer drinking buddy/spiritual advisor I'd like to post some of his choice offerings to perserve for prosperity.

1. In response to a post titled: "Where's Bin Laden?"

We Got Him!!

Well, we weren't supposed to tell you yet, but at this very moment there is a small squad of tough, gritty soldiers bringing Bin Laden back to the US.

Here's how it happened.

Bush personally puts together a handpicked force of men, headed by one colonel Razer, to go in and get Bin Laden. Bush tries to sneak onto the plane himself and join the unit, but an alert Cheney sees through his disguise and convinces him to stay behind. "Just like before in 1972, George, you'll be serving your country far better by staying here in America." A very reluctant George Bush admits that Dick is right, just like he always is, and gives the troops one last pep talk before they head out for Afghanistan.

Here's the cast:

Johnny Goodseed: Johnny is from the Midwest and joined the Special Forces after his fiancee (Grace) and mother died in the 9/11 on the plane that hit the Pentagon. He's a handsome, square-jawed young man who comes from a long line of patriots. Johnny assumes head of the special forces unit when Colonel Razor is gunned down by Taliban rebels as he tries to rescue a young Afghan farmer girl from being stoned. Jonny doubts his ability, but he puts his trust in God and Country to see this mission through.

Marco Gonzalez: Latin-American communications specialist who also brings along some spicy latino music to keep things hoppin. He's good with a knife (aren't they all?) and has a great scene where he gets a pretty young Afghanistan woman to ditch her burqua for the first time and he teaches her to tango. Muy caliente!! He's newly-wed, and finds out his wife is pregnant with their son just before departing on the mission. Naturally, he's the first to die.

Jimmy (Jimbo): Explosives specialist. Jimmy's a straight-shooten good ole boy from the south who loves practical jokes (usally involving explosives and/or chickens). He scraps it up some with African-American Jackson (see next), but in the end sacrifices himself to save Jackson's life by throwing himself on a live grenade (oh the irony!). With his last breath, he grabs Jackson's hand and says, "You know, I was wrong to hate you black guys. From now on, I hope people like me will just hate the sand-niggers instead." They embrace, and then Jimbo dies.

Jackson: No-nonsense, tough talking African American Ranger and Johnny's right hand man. He dies in the last scene when Bin Laden, whom they thought had given himself up, pulls a wicked 3 foot long scimitar out of his turban and sticks Jackson in the back.

This leaves Bin Laden and Captain Johnny Goodseed to duel it out to the end... mano a mano!

It all ends when Johnny wrests the scimitar away from Bin Laden and gives him four mighty blows with his fist and boots, one for each of the 4 planes that Al Queada hijacked. Bin Laden is whimpering on the ground, pleading for his life like a Korean hostage, as Johnny raises the scimitar for the coup de grace. Finally, Johnny checks himself and says, "No, no martyrdom for you. You're going to rot in prison for your crimes!" Bin Laden wails in despair as he is dragged away...

It's really cool, and it keeps open the possibility that Bin Laden might escape so Johnny can go get 'em one more time!

2. In response to a post titled, "Korean Women"

Gookbender: I don't know about you all, but I just love fucking all these gook bitches. What else they good for but taking it hard and deep?

Captain Howdy Reply:
Now, though to the careless reader this post might appear to be the work of a self-loathing individual lacking the benefits of even a rudimentary education, I assure you it is not.

To understand the beauty of this simple but powerful text we must look for the underlying message that only a deconstructive analysis a la Derrida can tease out.

I would expound on this issue in detail, but it would probably be lost on all the readers here who lack the years of rigorous study and training in critical theory of literature that I have amassed. Suffice to say, the text should be read as a powerful condemnation of post-modern existentialism and the futility of imposing order and meaning on an inherently chaotic and meaningless reality.

Oh yeah, and the author is probably gay too.

3. (for some strange reason, my favorite). In response to a post on fishing in Korea

I went fishing once when I was about 7 with my dad. We were fishing in the boat and we didn't catch anything so I started playing with the worm can and accidentally dropped it in the lake. My father got really pissed and accidentally hit me with an oar and I fell in the lake, which was not good because I had refused to wear a life jacket (it chafed my chin; I have very tender skin) and three summers worth of swimming lessons at the YMCA hadn't really paid off as well as one might think they would.

After a few minutes of splashing around my dad finally rowed over to me (he was pissed because I was scaring all the fish away) and dragged me back in the boat and took me back to camp. I wish I could say the story ends there, but while I was struggling in the water I swallowed a lot of lake water and it made me really sick that night and I had bad diarrhea and couldn't really hold it until I got out of the tent. I wasn't wearing any clothes since they were all still wet from the lake water so I sprayed it around the tent pretty good I'm afraid.

Anyway, we laugh about it now

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