History Reeking with Reality

Got this in an email from a friend, a collection of history essays from Canadian college students. Funny stuff. Maybe Leno should do some Jaywalking up north of the border if he ever runs out of idiots on the streets of LA (won't happen anytime soon).

"History,"
*declared Henry Ford,* "is bunk." *And yet, to paraphrase George Santayana,
those who forget history and the English language are condemned to mangle
them.Historian Anders Henriksson, a
five-year veteran of the university
classroom, has faithfully recorded, from papers submitted by
freshmen at McMaster University and the university of Alberta, his
students' more striking insights into Europeam history  from the Middle
Ages to the present.
Possibly as an act of vengeance, Professor Henriksson has now assembled
these individual fragments into a chronological narrative which we present
here.*
 
 

During the
Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were
co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. [Ruled by the Dark Lord Sauron perhaps?]  It is
unfortunate that we do not have a medievel European laid out on a table before
us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were
drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized
big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent.Murder
during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone.England fought numerously for land in France
and ended up winning and losing.

In the 1400
hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose.
Finally, Europe caught the Black Death.The
bubonic plague is a social
disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other
etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance
of the English language as the national language of England, France,
and Italy  . 

    The Middle
Ages slimpared to a halt.[slimpared? Is that from the Jabberwocky story?] The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life
reeked with joy. [May all our lives reek with joy!] Italy 
became robust, and more individuals felt the value of
their human beings.Italy,
of course, was much closer to the rest of the
world, thanks to nothern Europe. Man was
determined to civilise
himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became
sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level Europe
was full of incredible
churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful
and almost lifelike. .

     The
Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were
going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures.Traditions
had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for
resurrection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry
Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door [must have been a damn big door] Theologically,
Luthar was into reorientation mutation. [Big Ho? A little help with religious terminology here?] Calvinism was the most convenient
religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be
migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic.[I looked this up and it is true, by the way] Monks went right on seeing
themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. [Shocking news for some professors at Sogang University, I'm sure]

   After the
refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could
gain the Netherlands
they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe
which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central
Europe and India thus
serrounding France. The German Emperor's
lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. [Just like the French to do something like that, isn't it?]

Louis XIV
became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he
didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their
lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia
the 17^th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs.
Russian nobles wore
clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with
accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder.
Orthodox priests became government antennae.

[mighty kind of the Russian nobles to go all out for Peter like that.]

The
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got
him into trouble withFrederick
the Great. Philosophers were unknown
yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration
slightly confused with defeatism.France was in a very serious state.Taxation
was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was
accomplished before it happened. [how's that for efficiency?] The revolution evolved through monarchial,
republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean.Napoleonwas ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

[Napolean wets himself and decides to take it out on the rest of Europe. Unlike the Emperor of Germany, there's a man who could have used some blocking of his lower passages]

History, a
record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.
[for us North Americans, it might as well have] Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western
European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic
modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated
that in Paris,
out of a city population of one million people,
two million able bodies were on the loose.

['complexicated'...if this guy ever immigrated to the States, maybe we'd make him our next president]

Great
Brittian, the USA
and other European countrys had demicratic leanings. The middle
class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid
holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists
were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was to be done
by ballad.

[Laugh if you will, but voting by ballad is no more ridiculous than the electoral college system]

A new time
zone of national unification roared over the horizon. [try topping that sentence!] Founder of the
new Italy
was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north.Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We
can see that
nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleon
III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live
extension of the late, but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany:
loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture
fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard
Strauss, who was
violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious
and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion.Music reeked
with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his
contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical." Other countries
had their own artists.France
had Chekhov.

World War
I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany
was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war
people get killed, and then they aren't people
any more, but friends. [Neocon logic, I suppose] Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by
George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived
with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the
peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white.Germany
was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler.Germany was
morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin
became the decadent capital, where
all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic
movement arose. [this whole essay seems to have an anti-semantic feeling to it as well] Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by governmental
groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish
between Germany and France.
The appeasers were blinded by the great
red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million bayonets [what a fag] and
invaded Hi Lee Salasy.Germany
invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia
invaded everybody. [wow!] War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was
dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and
their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

 

I, for one, have learned a lot.

I would like to submit my own historical essay on Dokdo island. It hasn't cleared with VANK yet, but I'm sure it will be.

Dokdo was Korean from the times of Dangun. When Dangun was a child, he went swimming in the East sea and after swimming a long time his head hit the rocky island, making a 'dok' sound so that is way it has the name. He loved the island so much he went there almost everyday and built a real good tree house there (there were lot of trees on dokdo then). Korean navy admiral Lee Sun shin used Dokdo as a secret underground lair in a big cave in the island from which his ships would sail out and kill Japaneses. Japan invaded Korea in 1905 because they wanted Dokdo and they made the dokdo seagulls for comforting their soldiers. Their policy of reorientation mutation to Japanese was most harsh and it was kind of like a Middle Evil days. This made the Korean peoples morbidly overexcited and unbalanced and they rose up and singlehandedly drove the Japanese into the East sea and took the island again and every Korean killed somebody but no Koreans died even a little bit but nobody had any fingers left. Everybodi reeked with joy and reality and a new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. But then America was envy and came in and divided Dok island into two separate islands by using nuukulear explosions and many baby seagulls couldn't find their mother and they slimpared to their deaths and it was really trajedy and everything reeked of han.