Chinese Medicine 만세!!!

Another post from the old site which complements the previous article. It linked to an old Onion article ("FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo") which is available only to premium subscribers. Relevant paragraphs are included below in bold, with my own words of wisdom in between.

It appears that there is a new drug hitting the market that will give Chinese medicine (한약) some severe competition. Like Chinese medicine, this drug reportedly cures everything.

"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo. It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any of the analgesic properties."

Unfortunately, this new drug is proving to be nearly identical in efficacy to our traditional Chinese medicine. It is a very serious challenge. However, all is not lost. It seems that this “miracle drug” does have some side effects:

Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."

As you know, Chinese medicine has ZERO side effects. In the few cases where it seemed that the patient had some side effects, it was later determined that they actually were suffering from over-exposure to electric fans or western food (as a matter of fact, it was probably the Chinese medicine they had taken that prevented certain death). I’m pretty sure it was legit, because I saw the Chinese medicine doctors say this on TV, and they wore white coats and had a lot of books in their office and everything, just like real doctors.

Just look at that picture! Now something that complicated MUST be true!

Now I know there are some overly skeptical people out there who somehow doubt the efficacy of Chinese medicine. Allow me to edumicate you on the subject. School’s in session Buckwheat, sit down and get out your pencil.

Photo: From left to right: Mother of all Koreans (the bear), Tangun, one rascally tiger (who was unable to become a Korean because he reportedly left the cave and ate at a Mcdonalds)

1: Chinese medicine has been around for something like, I don’t know, 21,000 years. As everyone knows, people were actually more enlightened back then and had direct communication with deity (i.e. God talking to Adam and Eve, Tangun and that bear chick in the cave, etc.). Furthermore, if something has survived for a long time, then obviously it must be true. To suggest otherwise implies that humans are capable of being ignorant and superstitious (which we know for a fact only applies to cultures and races different from ours).

Photo: President of the Korean Oriental Medicine Society (sporting the latest hairstyle from North Korea), Lee Ju-young : Serious looking man, serious medicine.

2: There is, like, tons of scientific evidence that Chinese medicine cures everything better than western medicine. This research is conducted by researchers in Oriental Medicine colleges all over Asia. Since their entire chosen livelihood depends on their research showing the efficacy of Chinese Medicine, you know that they have strong motivation to be extremely thorough and careful in their research. Thus, they are much more dependable than some coldly neutral research lab that lacks a vested interest. I’m sure unbiased researchers would do a half-ass job as they just don’t have the passion and drive that our Oriental College researchers have to get the results they want.

3: For all you smart-asses that point out the supposed “fact” that the lifespan of Asians was quite low until the introduction of western medicine, you just don’t know the whole story. The lifespan of Asians was so low due to Japanese aggression and other foreign interference. Those damn Japanese systematically killed everyone over the age of 50. I don’t have the link to the research, but I heard it from my seniors while drinking one night. I think I also heard that foreign governments from Europe and America interfered as well somehow, and prevented the Korean people from getting oriental medicine. I don’t have any links to support this as of yet, but I wrote a letter to the Hankoryeh newspaper and they assured me that they would put together a highly factual article in the near future.

4. Chinese medicine tastes really bad. We have a proverb here in Korea, “입에 쓴 약이 병에는 좋다” (Bitter medicine is good for what ails you). Chinese medicine tastes roughly 10 times worse than western medicine (cherry flavor? What the hell is up with that?). Ergo, Chinese medicine is 10 times better.

5. The anecdotal evidence supporting Chinese medicine is literally in the millions, if not billions. Just the other day I heard a great story about a friend’s father (who recently passed away due to advanced stomach cancer, God rest his soul) who was suffering from indigestion and abdominal pains (probably from eating western food). He went to an oriental doctor and he found out that his heart was too warm because his “ki” wasn’t flowing properly. He bought a month supply of Chinese medicine (for the low price of 500,000 won--$500 US) and after 3 weeks the pains just went away. Just try asking western doctors what “ki” is and see the blank look on their “educated” faces.

So nice try western doctors, but you’ll have to do just a little more before you can catch up with what we have here in the East. It’s taken you 2,000 years to come up with your “Placebo,” while here in Asia we’ve had it since time began.

Complementary medicine and dumb celebrities

[A repost from the old Pooper blog--select comments from the old blog included in the post]

People often assume that if a person is very successful in one area of his or her life, this person would probably be successful in other aspects as well. Oprah Winfrey, for example, is extremely successful in entertainment and business, but in her books and on her show when she talks about issues outside her realm of expertise, some people wrongly assume that she knows more about that particular field than their local garbage man. They'll then quote Oprah on whatever her opinion may be as if they are refering to an expert. "Oh, it's true. I heard it on Oprah."

In critical thinking terminology this is called "faulty appeal to authority."

When people turn to celebrities for advice on love, dieting, politics, etc., the technical term for this critical thinking error is called "extremely fucked up appeal to authority."

Celebrities may be good musical artists or actors (note to Will Smith, you only fall into the "good actor" category), but they don't lead the most stable of lives (what is the divorce rate of celebrities, 90%? A Guiness on tap in Hongdae to the first person who can name 3 famous celebrities over the age of 40 who have never divorced). Considering how messed up most of their lives are, it is probably better wisdom to find out what they do and think and then proceed to do the opposite.

I found this article on celebrities and "complementary medicine" on a MSN homepage (UK). I'd link it, but I can't find it now and basically I cut and paste the whole thing here anyway. Let's find out what these "experts" have to say on health and well-being, shall we?

How does Madonna hold on to pop-icon status, a toy-boy husband, deal with two small kids and look so good aged 45? Dedication and sheer hard work play a part, but so does a regime of different philosophies and therapies, from Ashtanga yoga to Jewish Kabbala and palmistry to mantra therapy

She owes her success to weird philosophies and mantra therapy? No. She owes her success to finding out what image low-attention span clones will buy into next. No one has gone so far in the celebrity world on so little talent. Her singing and dancing are subpar, she doesn't write her own music and let's not even get into her acting. Even Celine Dion can at least claim that she has a good voice. Madonna's only real talent is shamelessly playing the image game.

Does she really "look so good at age 45?" I'm not seeing it, but whatever looks she has held onto are most likely more the result of plastic surgery than anything else? Come on, no nips and tucks? No bi-annual injections of Botox?

Here's a nice article on the Madonna facelift controversy (scroll down for a good quote by Sharon Osbourne, wife of heavy metal GOD Ozzy Osbourne).

(Damn, I just realize I've given away the name of one celebrity who is over 40 and hasn't divorced (and actually has a relationship with his children. Ozzy Osbourne: a role-model for celebrities everywhere to aspire to.)

Now I'm not against plastic surgery (as long as you don't go freakshow Michael Jackson on us), but don't feed us this shit about some quack medicine helping you look young when you have a plastic surgeon's number on your speeddial.

By the by, here's a before and after page on celebrities with plastic surgery for those interested in such things (You'll never guess what kind of surgery Dolly Pardon and Anna Nicole Smith have had done. Ok, maybe you will).

Madge's mate Gwyneth Paltrow is another devotee of complementary medicine. She credits acupuncture with helping her choose her Coldplay singer hubby Chris Martin. We can't promise you will find love, but it is said to treat everything from headaches to high blood pressure. More recently, Gwyn caused a stir by her overt display of the cupping technique she is reported to have been trying

Acupuncture to help you find a rock singer? Wow. I wonder what part of the body they have to put the needle in to make something like that happen. I'm guessing it's directly into the skull where it can pierce into the frontal lobe of the brain. Then, with just a few expert twists of the needle, you'll soon find yourself believing that acupuncture can do most anything!

Uh, no idea what the "cupping technique" means, unless it's related to masturbation and a cold cup of water. If she is trying something like that, then I can see how this might cause quite a stir.

Ah yes, and acupuncture treats "everything from headaches to high blood pressure."

Or, to put it in different (but slightly more accurate) words, acupuncture is only clinically proven to treat headaches and high blood pressure.

Or to put in yet another way, acupuncture is only clinically proven to treat headaches and high blood pressure, but just not very well.

But don't get me started on the anecdotal evidence!

By the way, Gwyneth once swore to me that she has never had a boob job and you know what? I believe her.

The ever-youthful Demi Moore is a big fan of Klamath Lake algae, which she says helps her to combat the stresses in her life. This mouthful of a therapy involves ingesting algae from Klamath Lake, Oregon, US and claims to be full of nutrients and anti-oxidants

Cooooool…ingesting algae. Not "eating" algae on a lovely crisp salad or "drinking" algae in a delightful frosty form of a shake, but "ingesting." To me, this gives the image of some kind of slimey swamp monster sucking down tons of algae off the floor of the mighty Klamath lake into its purple, fleshy maw, periodically taking a break to surface, rear its head back and give a blood curdling throaty wail into the full moon sky.

On second thought, that image probably comes more from it just being an aging Demi Moore than from the word "ingest", but anyway, it works for me.

This ranks only slightly less disgusting than drinking one’s own piss for health benefits. Demi, there are other sources of nutrients and anti-oxidants out on the market, trust me on this one. Kudos to Bruce Willis (one of my favorite actors of all time) for divorcing this ding-bat.

The former supermodel Christy Turlington is a strong believer in India's oldest healing system, Ayurveda, meaning the science of life. So much so that she has brought out her own range of Ayurvedic products.

Now actually, this makes her slightly less retarded than other followers of “complementary medicine”, since, unlike all the others, by selling this snake oil she actually gets some form of tangible benefit from it.

More on "Ayurveda" in just a bit...

Although Ayurveda is a complete medical system, its main claim to fame is to cleanse and rejuvenate, which may explain why ageing celebs like Goldie Hawn and Madonna (is there anything the Material Girl won't try?) are fans

A “complete medical system?” What, so this treats cancer? AIDS? Jock Itch? Tooth decay? I bet if I bothered to look up statistics on the life span of the average Indian I'd find it has been something like in the low 100s for thousands of years. Right? I mean, they've been so lucky to have always had this "complete medical system" since time began and all. God, why do we even bother with western medicine at all?

By the way, a sure sign that some "medicine" or "therapy" is just snake oil is when they claim it cures more than 5 different ailments, regardless of how biologically unrelated these ailments might be.

Dumb Patient: "So you're saying if I walk around all week with this crystal strapped to my penis my chest pains will go away?"

Quack: "Yes, and it will also cure your asthma, clear up that acne, improve your digestion, and prevent fatigue.

Dumb Patient: "Oh really? Great. And will it make my penis larger too?"

Quack: "Don't be silly. For that you need to wash your hair in horse piss. By mighty Vishnu, do they teach kids nothing in schools these days?"

[by the way, while preparing this post I was hoping to find some actual "traditional" method of penis enlargement to put into the above dialogue (entertain and educate, that's my motto), but just typing the word "penis" alone into any search engine brings up thousands of penis enlargement products to wade through, making it nearly impossible to quickly find what I was looking for. Terrified that someone might walk by and notice that I was scrolling though page after page of penis enlargement links (I do my bloggin in the library these days), I had to cut it short (as always, bad pun intended) and just make up the "remedy" about the horse piss. My apologies for not maintaining my normal high standards of accurate blogging journalism.]

Ok, back to Goldie's post.

"Cleanse and rejuvenate?" First off, Goldie hasn’t looked golden for more than a decade, and secondly, refer back to the earlier rant about face lifts and Botox injections. Anyway, I bet Christy Turlington and others in the "Ayurveda industry" are not too pleased with having Goldie's worn face being associated with their product.

Now we enter the world of the weird... certain stars, including Drew Barrymore and Kate Hudson, have turned to Wicca (a type of witchcraft), which claims to provide spiritual guidance in stressed-out times – spooky

I guess Wicca explains Barrymore's "magical" performances in the Charlies Angels movies that have won her so much acclaim.

Anyway, Letterman seems to be fond of her so in respect to Him, I'll just leave her alone.

Breathing lessons
Ummm, this is something us mere mortals manage to do automatically. However, Richard Gere and Arnold Schwarzenegger have both taken part in breathing programmes to improve their lung capacity

Now this is not unlike how I am able to increase my bladder capacity by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

No, actually my "health technique" does have a proven medical benefit: no kidney stones. Unless Gere and Arnold are able to hold in larger hits of marijuana than your average hippie, I'd say their breathing techniques is just a fancy waste of time (and probably an expensive one to if a trained "breathing guru" needs to be around).

Yoga
Geri Halliwell credited her super-slim figure to yoga, before admitting it was really down to the illness bulimia. This didn't stop her bringing out her own yoga-fitness video, though...

I’ll buy another beer for anyone able to identify who the hell Geri Halliwell is/was. As far as I now, yoga is a legit form of exercise so this shouldn't be here at all, but something evil in me just giggles gleefully every time I hear about another superstar turning out to have bulimia. Maybe it's just my way of coping with the fact that I never made it big as a heavy-metal guitarist, who knows.

Reflexology
This is based on the principle that there are reflexes in the feet that correspond to every gland, organ and part of the body. Famous names who have turned to this therapy for relaxation are Princess Di and pop diva Dina Carroll

Reflexes in the feet that correspond to all glands and organs in the body, great. I'm surprised western medicine didn't beat you to that common sense finding. I'm guessing that the big toe corresponds to the tongue, because every time I stub it expressions like "Fuck" "Jesus H. Christ" "God Damnit" "Allah is Fucking Mediocre at Best" and occaisonally "18 dog babies" automatically pour out of my mouth.

This reminds me, if any of you are interested in starting your own bullshit complementary medicine regimen, you’d better act fast before every potential ridiculous theory has been taken.

Select Comments to this post saved from the old blog

Until you've been in these peoples lives you can talk all the shit you want and probably will. And for all the stars out there who look and feel great because of alternative medicine, yoga, or even surgery. MORE POWER TO YOU!!!!

Posted by: Auntie April | April 18, 2005 at 09:05 PM

If you bothered to do any legitimate research on the topics you mention- such as the health benefits of acupuncture and yoga-- rather than relying on People magazine as your primary news source, you would find that these modalities are proven to work and have been FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Posted by: acugirl | February 12, 2007 at 05:14 PM

Acugirl, if you bothered doing any legitimate research from actual scientists on any of the topics mentioned, you'd soon realize that 'alternative medicine' quacks have been fooling others and themselves into believing their nonsense works FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Here's something for you to think over. All of the above BS has been around FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS and yet, until medicine based on the scientific method came around, the average life span of people around the world was about 40. The number of major diseases cured by alternative medicine still stands at 0. Thousands of years of practice and practically nothing to show for it. How embarrassing.

But hey, it's your health and money. If you've found a placebo that works for you, be it sticking needles in your body, eating powdered tiger gonads, drinking monk's piss or what have you, then more power to you.

Posted by: partypooper | February 13, 2007 at 02:24 AM

Great article. I laughed my ass off all the way. Stick to science and ignore these idiots that talk about walking a mile in madonna's shoe.

Posted by: arvindh | March 04, 2007 at 10:21 PM

The Lucy Lieu Debates

Another post from the old site. I don't make it over to the Korean Herald forum as much as I used to, but I dropped by today and realized not much has changed. It's still the lovable disfunctional family you thank God you never had, with almost the same people visiting as ever. It's a little American Gi heavy but there is enough of an oddball mix of ex-pats and Koreans to keep it interesting from sociological point of view.

Word to the wise: if you visit the board and scroll through the messages, limit yourself to only 2 pages a day at most. If you find yourself go further back through the messages in one sitting you WILL regret the time lost that could have been used more productively (like masturbating to pictures like these). [note: for best results, click on this link at work when your boss and several co-workers are nearby] That was for all expats in Asia who might be forgeting what you left behind back in the west.

For those of you who were not made blind by the last link, let's continue.


The post below was an exchange between Forgotit and Rocksteady, two of the more colorful characters on the board.


The Lucy Liu Debate
Years ago the editors of the Korean Herald had simple but bold dream: to gather the intellectual giants of the 21st century on one forum to discuss the pressing issues of the day. The dream has become reality, and now one can log on and drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge and wisdom that daily spews forth for all to enjoy. Let it wash over, caress and cleanse you. Drink from this water and thou shalt never thirst again.


Here’s a sampling of what waits for you.



Forum debate panel (I took the liberty of finding pictures that fit my image of the debate members)



"YY"

YY: Korean, single female, early thirties, works in an international trading company. YY is a regular member of the Korean Herald forum, a talented artist, and in the imagination of several American Gis on the board, a sex hungry vixen.


"Rock Steady"




Rocksteady: Former US military man, now a celebrated author and successful entrepreneur (wrote a book on Korean bar secrets and runs a bar himself down in Taegu, or “the goo,” as he likes to call it).

--



"Forgotit"


Forgotit: Warrior, poet, philosopher: Forgotit is truly a many splendored thing. Forgotit currently works for the US army in Korea as a contractor and reportedly makes more money than you do.

-






YY starts tonight’s debate with this opening statement.

YY: Is she pretty? Lucy Liu , Is she pretty to Americans? It’s so strange to me.
Americans have unique odd eyes. In our eyes or our Asian eyes, she is close to ugly face..
If she was in asia, she wouldn't be on the movie.

Forgotit: Well, she does something for me. Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!!!! Man thats all good, check her out in "Payback", I still have dreams of being corrected by her any day, even if my homework was right on it or not. I mean goddamn, look at that, even the Pope would agree, she is fine. I bet she can make the Pope stand up beg for Hot Biscuits and Butter Milk, I know she can make 99.8% men stand up. Hey that reminds me are you man or a fag, because if you are....
[editor’s note: according to current Korea Gaywatch Project data, YY is not as of yet suspected of being a gay homosexual]

Rocksteady: she's not all that pretty but certainly most guys would do her hard. She has a cute little rack and a butt built to take ferocious beatings in stride.

Forgotit: Exactly!!!!! Like I was saying 10 miles on a hard road or something like that pretty. When I think about all that stuff bottled up inside me, I just want to tear something apart, make sweat as much me. Opps, yeah she is fine isn't she!

[Editor’s Note: Forgotit does seem to find his inspiration from a muse far beyond the understanding of most mortal men (and grammarians). Readers may find it best to approach his works as a stream of consciousness that one must not struggle too hard to understand, but simply flow with while absorbing the imagery.]

Rocksteady: well, the truth is I would beat the living hell out of her. Death by sperm overdose for her or dehydration for me. Somebody is going to give up the ghost!

Forgotit: Yeah, and it might as well be me. Just like kick starting a Honda, you got to beat on it a while---leave it alone and go back and kick it some more.

Rocksteady: I think it's wise to fuck the pee out of them all. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing hard

[editor’s note: you ARE writing all this down, right? This is from a man of extensive ‘ho experience. Imagine living in Korea for 20+ years spending most of your free time in "entertainment districts" like Songtan and Itaewon. He literally wrote the book on the subject.]

Forgotit: Damn boy, your just as every bit as a Rascal as me, nice to meet me? Lets see if we can contact her Agent and see if we can both have lunch with her one day for a little sandwitch action, I got "Top Stop", I aways get top stop in these special situations!

Rocksteady: she's got three holes and there's only two of us. We ought to be able to work out the details. We'll have our lawyers hash out the fine details. Bring plenty of gatorade. We're going to do this little bitch hard and mean. Don't worry, she'll love it.

Forgotit: Nah! now that you mention it my Evil Twin Brother, Chuck, will be in Hollywood for a Script Reading for a part for "Iron Sheep, Determined Farm Boy". Maybe we can fit him in somewhere, but we better let him go last. See he kinda hard on the little things, and they ain't must [much?] to look at when he is done. That stupid shit use to ruin many of Prom Nights for some unwilling Juniors and Seniors Varsity Cheerleaders, the top notch shit. Lets see, I think it is 24 years and counting, that stupid clown still slips in the parties.

Now that I think of it screw him, I'm tired of that clown in my shadows. Hell I'll fill in for him, just like dealing cards, got make them know they are being dealt with right! I bring what I got, you make sure your doing your end right, and none of that screwing the pouch wiening either, I like mine to screeming like a Banchee.

Rocksteady: bring along some batteries and cables. We'll keep YY on her toes while she's curling ours.

YY: You often tell about sperm in your messages and you are very interested in people eating sperm.
So , i have question.
Do americans eat sperm as a meal?
Is there a sperm can in the market?
How do you cook it?
Boil it with little sugar,and oil in the pot?

Rocksteady: Very relevant questions: here are the answers.
1. I am only interested in girls eating my goo, not anyone else's.
2. American girls (like all other girls) sometimes eat the goo as a meal. Yes, thta is true. It is supposed to be fat free and hugh in protein.
3.There is no sperm can on the market that I know of but this is more a question for a cumsucker.
4. You don't need to cook it. It;'s already cooked at 98.6 degrees F. Just roll it on your tongus and take it in one gulp. No fair dribbleing either.
5. No sugar or oil or pots necessary. You may drink it straight from the tap.

Rocksteady [repost] Sorry about the earlier mis-spelled words etc. here it is again cleaned up for the masses.

1. I am only interested in girls eating my goo, not anyone else's.

2. American girls (like all other girls) sometimes eat the goo as a meal. Yes, that is true. It is supposed to be fat free and high in protein.

3.There is no sperm can on the market that I know of but this is more a question for a cumsucker. Ask Rose, PMB Or McGhoul this one.

4. You don't need to cook it. It;'s already cooked at 98.6 degrees F.
Just roll it on your tongus and take it in one gulp. No fair dribbleing either.

5. No sugar or oil or pots necessary. You may drink it straight from the tap. Good luck and good guzzling! I'm sure you'll do well and have plenty of donators available to practise on.

[I included both Rocksteady’s original post on the “goo issue” and his corrected repost as I thought it might be of value to literary scholars interested in a more complete textual analysis.]

Well, I think that should be enough for you all to digest for some time. Be sure to return to the Forum for next week’s debate (topic: Sociopolitical Analysis on the Generative Mechanism of the Korean Welfare State Abstract and whether or not YY is wearing any panties).

Some more tidbits coming soon...

LG Training Program Update and Ajoshi Cavorting

I met with my friend who is currently in the LG training program. As you may recall when I first posted on the LG training program, she had just finished a 5 day training period and was about to enter another 2 week period.

Basically the additional 2-week training program was really just more of what she went through the first week of training. The only thing to note is that this went on every day for 14 days.

She said that after a while you just didn’t think about anything. You didn’t think at all about what you were doing, just what you had to do to finish the task at hand. No questioning, no wondering what the point of anything is or how silly you look; just do whatever they want quickly so you can finish and hopefully get the full 5 hours of sleep before you start the insanity all over again the next day.

She’s not quite done yet. She has one more workshop called, Orwellian enough, “Innovation Workshop.” This is something that everyone has to do once every three years. Basically it’s five days of training and study (in addition to seminars and workshops, you have to read a lot and write daily reports). Oh, one more thing: you are only allowed ONE hour of sleep per day and they have ever-present "minders" who make sure you don't nod off.

That’s right, 5 days, a total of 5 hours of sleep.

Why do they call it “Innovation Workshop”? Who the hell knows.

Her coworkers who have been through this tell her that it is a good experience. After you complete it, you feel like you can do anything. You also realize (contrary to what every physician and sleep expert in the world would have you believe) that sleep is overvalued.

Of course, what it really means is that no matter what kind of insane demands you receive in your department in the future, they will seem quite reasonable and tolerable compared to what you went through in the “innovation workshop.” You are now perfectly conditioned for future gruesome hours of hard work.

The worst thing is that most departmental managers continue this military style leadership. The concept of calling in an errant employee into your office for a private berating is rather foreign. Workers are screamed out and humiliated in front of the whole department.

____


This is Kim Ssang Su, the CEO of LG Electronics. Read more about this dynamic guy in a write up here.

Since the article will be archived before long, here are the opening paragraphs:

Call Kim Ssang Su a man of the people. On a chilly night in the picturesque mountains south of Seoul, Kim, CEO of LG Electronics Inc., holds aloft a paper cup filled to the rim with soju, a clear, sweet potato-based Korean alcohol with a vicious bite. Surrounding him are a dozen of the 300 LG suppliers' managers whom Kim has spent the day lecturing and rallying. They have also been hiking up a snow-covered mountainside, nnecessary training, he says, for the grand plans he has for South Korea's second largest electronics firm. At the end of the day, he treats a group of LG Electronics employees to an outdoor barbecue of grilled pork and bowls of fiery red kimchi. "Great people! Great company!" he barks. "Great people! Great company!" they chant back, pumping their fists in perfect unison. Kim downs the soju in one gulp, then marches off to another table for another round of soju and another cheer. Then another, and another.

Eight tables and countless cups later, he is red faced, still screaming chants and bear-hugging an unfortunate reporter. When dancing girls in short skirts and blond wigs start jiggling to ear-numbing Korean pop music, the tireless Kim, 59, cavorts in a mosh pit of drunken workers near a makeshift stage. Later he ascends the stage himself, microphone in hand, to croon out a popular oldie called Nui (Sister). "We love our CEO," says Kim Young Kee, an LG executive vice president. "He shows us a good time."

"Shows us a good time," by the way, actually means "he gets us drunk and laid."

I know this may just be a cultural difference, but I would totally lose all respect for my boss if he were to get publically shit-faced and "cavort" with “dancing girls” (of barely legal age, I’m certain). And if you think the dancing girls are there just for some eye candy and minor fondling, you have a lot to learn about the standard after-hours practices of male company workers.

Now, I don't want to get too preachy here, but in my humble opinion "cavorting" is something you do in your early 20's. If your desire for regular cavorting continues into your 40's, you become quite pathetic in my book. Kim SSang gu, age 59, acts like a 21-year-old frat boy in public ("Dude!! The Gu-miester's got dancing chicks coming to his all-night kegger! Bitchin!!"). This is beyond pathetic. Can you imagine a CEO in the States or Europe (outside of France, anyway) doing this?

Does the maturity level of most Korean men top out at age 19? These are "father figures" in the Korean household?

Son: Mommy? Where is daddy? It's late.

Mother: Oh, daddy's out drinking and screwing girls about the same age as your older sister again. Don't worry, he'll stumble home drunk off his ass around 4 AM, scream and slap us around a bit, and then pass out on the living room floor in a puddle of his own vomit just like he always does.

Son: Wow! That's my dad!! I hope someday I can be just like him!

Mother: I'm sure you will, son. I'm sure you will.



To their credit, a considerable number of Koreans quit companies like LG and Samsung after a few years. They go on to smaller companies or start their own businesses. The money can't be as good, but at least they save their souls/humanity.

PS:
Some sad but true advice to pass on to Korean girls: I don’t care how sweet and faithful your Korean fiancée may be, if he is in any company that encourages/demands after-hours parties like the above (and that would be most of them), he will eventually be corrupted. The higher he goes up in the hierarchy, the more temptation he’ll face.

The advice? If you can’t develop some “open-minded” views or lowered expectations about marriage and fidelity, marry someone who is not and will not be in a “prestige” position. Sure, you’ll struggle financially, but at least you have a reasonable chance of having a meaningful marriage.

Conspiracy Theories

Went out the other night with a few Canadian acquaintances. When the conversation turned to Bush and Michael Moore (as all conversations seem to do these days) I became privy to some conspiracy theories I thought were long dead.

1. The 9/11 attacks were staged by the American government (as evidenced by the hit on the pentagon, which supposedly was not by a plane but by a missile)
2. North Korea is actually a good place, it's just imperialist propaganda that brainwashes people to see North Korea as an enemy and justify imperialist aims in Asia.
3. Nick Berg was beheaded by the CIA (he was already dead when severed by the Jihad "actors" in order to drum up more rage against Muslims).
4. There are no terrorists. The War on Terror is just an excuse for future decades of war propaganda to justify imperialist aims.

In his view, supposed "anti-Bush/America" sources such as Michael Moore and Al Jazeera (in response to what I thought was the obvious question: Why aren't more mainstream anti-Bush voices on to these theories?) are either ignorant of the depth of deception going on (and thus allowed to operate) or even possibly just fronts to give the illusion of opposition, while sources that are brave enough to expose THE TRUTH (!!!) are actively silenced.

[note that all caps and several exclamation points are required by both MLA and APA standards when reporting statements made by conspiracy theorists refering to the truth or falsehood of central beliefs: eg. How can you believe all the LIES fed to you by the American media!!!!]

Now, these views were held by only one of the two Canadians. The other one clearly didn't buy in to any of these views, and Mr Conspiracy Theory even admitted that he was no longer able to talk with his friends back in Canada about this (he lives abroad) because they were too closeminded and apparently affected by the media there.

Yeah, that famous pro-Bush imperialist Canadian media.



Now this person is a decent, kind, and (otherwise) intelligent human being. I expect this kind of reasoning (or amazing lack thereof) from a 13-year-old Saudi in his 5th year of religious "schooling" under the tutalage of a radical wild-eyed Imam (and the Joooos use the blood of arab babies for their ceremonial foods! It is the TRUTH!!!!). But what gives here?

It takes all kinds I guess...

Be the Reds 2: The Disappointment

The Olympics are coming up and with the Korean soccer team qualifying we’ll soon be treated to a rehash of Be The Reds hysteria back from the World Cup 2002 days.




Seoul: City Hall during the 2002 World Cup.

By the way, I'm the guy at the bottom-left hand side of the screen wearing a red shirt and eating dried squid.


[Warning: Irrelevant Side Rant]
First of all, a few words about soccer. This is not a real sport. Real sports are all symbolic reenactments of warfare. They require rough, physical contact and displays of brute strength, not just speed and finesse. I’m talking sports like football (“American” football), rugby, boxing and hockey.

Now, some say hockey is just a variant of soccer. This is true in the same way that dodge ball is a different form of playing tag: Same basic concepts but one is played by sissies who cry like 9-year-old girls when they fall down and the other is played by real men who feel the game really hasn’t started until someone is bleeding or spitting out a tooth.


Soccer players in action! Now click on this picture and try to tell me that soccer athletes are real men!



What in the hell is up with that hopping up and down while holding your wiener during a free kick? Is that a rule? If someone doesn’t hold their wieny are they penalized? Do the coaches run drills to make sure they are holding their weenies properly? What do women soccer players do? I’m seriously considering putting all soccer players on the Gaywatch files just for this embarrassing display alone.

[And now back to the main point of this post]

So anyway, back to soccer in Korea. Expect to see “Be the Red” nationalism again at its zaniest. There will be one key difference this time, no home field advantage. That means all the highly questionable calls that went Korea’s way probably just won’t happen again. In short: expect disappointment on a grand scale.




Hey, somebody get this guy a spellchecker before Scott at Mediasin (scroll down a bit)starts throwing candy at him.

The subject came up here with some of my English mates (“mates,” that’s England talk. I’m trying to pick up the lingo) and their view of Korea’s success in the World Cup was, as you might expect, on the negative side. They didn’t mind that Portugal, Spain and Italy were sent home crying, make no mistake, but they still thought the officiating was suspicious as bloody hell (there’s that lingo again).



"Miss World Cup"

Of course, there are some good things that will come out of all this hysteria. As the legendary Forgotit over at the Korean Herald forum once said, "She'd make the Pope stand up and beg for milk and hot biscuits" (whatever that means).




Even Fifa apparently admitted that the officiating was poor (not widely reported in the Korean media, I’d wager). I found a BBC Sport site that reviewed the World Cup. Now this is from a country that has no particular love for Souther European soccer teams so I think it's about as unbiased as you can hope for. Their assessment of those particular games went from questionable to criminal. Here's a sampling:

South Korea 2-1 Italy
Referee: Byron Moreno
• Totti is sent off for diving.
With the match in extra-time, Italian golden boy Francesco Totti goes down in the South Korean penalty box after a challenge from Song Chong-Gug.
His appeals for a penalty are not only turned down but referee Byron Moreno awards Totti a second yellow card for diving, reducing Italy to 10 men.

How bad? Pre-determined and provocative

_____

Tommasi's winner doesn't stand.
Damiano Tommasi latches on to a superbly angled through ball and slips the ball home for a golden goal winner.
But the linesman incorrectly flags for off-side.
Italy eventually lose on the golden goal and riots break out back home.

How bad? Just plain wrong

_____

Spain 0-0 South Korea (South Korea win 5-3 on penalties)
Referee: Gamal Ghandour
• Shoving accounts for Helguera's opener

Egyptian referee disallows Helguera's goal for pushing.
No Spanish player seems obviously guilty of the offence and Helguera is incensed.
At the end of the game Helguera is restrained as he charges at the referee.

How bad? Awful.

_______

Morientes is denied a glorious winner.
Fernando Morientes heads home Joaquin's cross to score Spain's golden goal winner.
But the referee's assistant Michael Ragoonath incredibly rules out the goal after he decides the ball had gone out of play before Joaquin crossed from the byeline.
An atrocious decision that costs Spain dearly. Coach Jose Antonio Camacho brands the match 'a scandal.'

How bad? Outrageous.

_____

Conclusion?

So far we think that Morientes' disallowed golden goal for Spain against South Korea is the worst of a bad bunch of decisions by the referees and their assistants.

Sorry to all you conspiracy-mongers out there, but you’ll notice that in each lousy call there was a different referee. Now sure, some Korean could have bribed all of them, but that’s not highly likely. For whatever reason, the refs just blew it. Maybe it was the odd cadence of the “Taehan Mingook” chant that threw them off.


I went through the reader’s comments on this article. The Korean entries were particularly interesting, especially when you consider how outraged Koreans were by the “Ono scandal” in the Salt Lake Olympics in which a ref made a controversial call that took the medal away from a Korean skater (can't recall the name nor summon the energy to look it up). I’ve collected some of the more choice comments below.

Although there were some mistakes made by the referees, if the whistle wasn't blown, the Korean goalkeeper would have definitely caught the ball. I'm sure the Korean team didn't want to win the match either if they knew that the whole world would be thinking the referees played a big role in our win.
In our point of view, we played a fair match. The whistle was clearly blown before the Spanish team had a kick on the ball. Also, nothing had been done in the Olympics when we lost our Gold medal through such poor judgment. Compared to that, this is nothing. Don't attack us because we're weaker than other countries. The world finding only our match as "injustice" is injustice itself.
SJ, South Korea

Ah yes, all countries in the world will agree that one gold medal in speed-skating is much more valuable than winning in the World Cup.
Oh, wait a minute, what planet are you on? Here on Earth speed skating is just slightly more important to the average person than badminton.

Classic quote: “Don’t attack us because we’re weaker than other countries.”
Victim mentality raises its ugly head. We’re not wrong, we are just innocent weak victims suffering from such Big Dick World Superpowers as Portugal, Spain and Italy. I guess some Koreans are so accustomed to using the “we’re just the powerless victim” line that they just can’t come up with new material.

“The world finding only our match as “injustice” is injustice itself.” How poetic. Too bad it’s also retarded.

The problem is that people no longer respect the refs, and rather trust TV broadcasters and ill-angled TV replays. Then why don't we start making the World Cup like stupid American Football? Maybe people will shut up about the refs if World Cup have timeouts, quarters, and commercial TV break in every three minutes.
Young Woo Park, S. Korea & USA

Poor Young Woo, life in the USA must not be going so well. Though this issue has absolutely nothing to do with the US, he can’t keep from taking out his frustration and impotent rage on evil America.

Tip to Young Woo: The “woo” thing doesn’t really work in English. Ever wonder why people always say, “Woo hoo!!” when they first hear your name? It has the same meaning as “Yahoo" and reminds us of a happy Homer Simpson. Get a nickname.

Back up to the first sentence: “The problem is that people no longer respect the refs, and rather trust TV broadcasters and ill-angled TV replays.”

Excellent quote. Naturally, that can be applied to the Ono incident as well, right? Right?

We don't feel we deserve to reach the semi-finals, not because our team is not good enough but because of Italy's childish blame over referees. I know there were mistakes, but Europeans blow up the excitement of the World Cup. I just hope we don't win next time. I don't want to hear German whining!
Sungjae,Korea

Sungjae! Wish granted!! Unfortunately, in the German-Korea game the referees were unable to actually kick in a goal for the Korean team and thus the march to the finals was cut short. Sucks when you have to play with the good referees, huh?

Newspapers and broadcaster have spoiled the World Cup. Have you seen the red card on Rivaldinho or Mexico's disallowed goal? Italy and Spain's negative broadcasting has led people to complain.
Y.J.Kim, Korea

Great analysis Y.J., hmmm…you don’t think that would apply to South Korea broadcasting and the Ono “scandal?” Naaaaa!!!

Absolutely not! I don't think FIFA should review the referee's decision.
However, I do suggest FIFA should consider adopting high-tech assistance like video clip reviews at all the matches.
As a matter of fact, quite a lot of Koreans are admitting that there were a couple of dubious refereeing decisions during the match, but I don't think they dictated the outcome.
Jo, Younghee,South Korea

But, didn’t you hear what Young "Woo-Hoo!" said earlier? Having replays like those stupid Americans would be terrible! Anyway, I'm sure Younghee also said the same thing about whether or not the Olympic committee should have reviewed the Ono skating event.

Oh yeah, disqualifying goals never really has much of an effect on the outcomes of games. Sure.
I mean, the refs could have disqualified 5 or 6 goals in the Germany versus Saudi Arabia game and the outcome would have been the same, right? However, for games that do NOT have scores of 8-0, perhaps the disqualification of a goal or two could have a just a teensy weensy little effect on the outcome? Especially considering that Korea only won one game in the whole tournament by more than one goal?

The level of the European team's game was not better than Korea's. Italy and Spain did not have their goals disallowed by referees, they kicked the ball after referees blew the whistle and the Korean team stopped playing.
Sang, Korea

Sorry Sang, but those goals were one-on-one with the goal-keeper (who didn’t stop playing). The other Korean players stopped (actually, most didn't) because they were already beaten. You see Sang "sung Blue," these things happen pretty damn fast and by the time the ref blew the whistle and it registered with the players the ball was already in the net. Good try though.

It's very sad but true. The referee was wrong, and Spain lost two great chances to win the game. Condolences to Spain - Sorry. I hope the game does not destroy the relationship between South Korea and Spain. Eddy Park, S Korea

Nice “Eddy.” Naturally, you need to be hauled back to Corea and given some “reeducation” on how to think appropriately. You have obviously been brainwashed by foreigners as further evidenced by the fact that you have disgraced the mother country by assuming a name of the enemy.

Anyway, As for the relationship between Spain and Korea, I’m sure that dozens of Spaniard tourists will continue to flock to your country each year, don’t worry. And of course, THIS guy will always be there to keep up relations between Spain and Corea (the true Corea, that is).

Fearless Prediction? Miserable showing by the Korean soccer team in the Olympics (one win, tops), to the endless glee of millions of taunting Portugese, Spaniards and Italians. It won't be pretty...

Love Letter to Kyoung Hee

[Old blog entry from previous site. Old news, but Lee Kyoung Hee's stupidity in general is still topical.]



The first woman to become an editor of a major newspaper in Korea is Lee Kyoung Hee (Korea Herald). Unfortunately, she's also a reactionary idiot. Her editorials are usually pointless summaries of whatever the issue of the day might be, but when she does actually put forward an argument she reveals herself to be even more biased and lacking in reason than the useful fools over at the Hankoryeh.



Here's a piece she did when the US forces refused to pay money to Korean residents of Maehyang-ri who complained of damages from the US firing range.

[Sorry, link only works now for "premium subscribers" of which I am not. Note to self: in the future always copy and save articles I link to. Basically she summarizes the verdict in favor of the residents in a Korean court and then demands that the US forces in Korea help pay. Here's another article that summarizes the issue]

Having described the court decision, Kyoung Hee then gives her own "opinion" on the issue.

Therefore, it defies our understanding why the U.S. Forces Korea refuse to pay their share of the 194 million won paid by our government to 14 residents of Maehyang-ri who recently won a damages lawsuit for noise caused by a firing range located in their village.

Defies your understanding? Yes, I’m sure it does, just like it defies my dog’s understanding why I always shit in a toilet and not in the dark corner of the living room by the sofa (Petey's favorite dumping ground before I learned him to shit on my neighbor's lawn and not in the house). Possible reason for these lacks of understanding? Two words: one starts with an “I,” the other starts with a “Q”

And what is the US army's excuse for not paying? The infamous SOFA.

It states that the Korean government will assure the use of facilities and "hold the U.S. government, as well as its agencies and employees, harmless from any third party claims which may be advanced in connection with such use."

Gosh. Seems quite clear to me, yet our big editor just can't seem to figure out what that means.

Pardon me for a moment while I try to help Kyoung Hee's lack of understanding.

Dear Kyoung Hee
[I’m not really familiar with her to normally call her by her given name, but in Korean customs it is ok to address an unfamiliar person by his or her given name if that person is subordinate to the speaker in terms of IQ by more than 30 points, which even I appear to clear by quite a comfortable margin]

You’ve written another big editorial! Good for you! And you used a new big word ("equilibrium"). Somebody’s been using her Learner’s Dictionary!! Later, I’d like to teach you another fancy word you can use someday: cretinous. Don’t worry about it now; you can look it up later.

I can see from your latest editorial that once again you have become confused by the icky-complicated real world of adults. Let me explain their reasoning to you simply.

Korea provides facilities to the US forces. Why? So the US army can do their job. What is their job? Protecting your asses from the madman up north. You have asked/begged us to do this for over 50 years now. With me so far sweetie?

Now, a firing range is a needed facility. The army practices shooting big guns there. They need to do this. Why? It is considered a good idea for soldiers to actually know how to shoot their big guns when attacked. Practice is a good thing. It would really suck to have a million North Koreans storming over the DMZ (despite all the love that's been going on between the Koreas, that's still exactly what the NK troops are positioned to do) and have to take time to find the instruction manual on how to make big gun go boom.

Now if the firing range is too close to Korean residents, this is a problem. Now, whose problem is it? The US army who is only using the land YOU gave them to do something YOU need them to do? Or was it YOUR mistake when you gave the US this land? Take your time with that one. No one is rushing you.

You really shouldn’t give the US army land to build a firing range on and then later say, “Oh, by the way, the land we gave you for the firing range is too close to some of our citizens, you’ll have to pay them big bucks.” That’s not very nice. It’s also not very fair. Yes, I’m accusing Korea of trying to be unfair to the US.

Uh-oh, I see I’ve just made you very upset and dizzy. I sense your emotions have already suppressed the portions of your brain that control logical thinking and we aren’t going to get any further today. Better sit down and do some deep breathing. Calm blue ocean….calm blue ocean…

Ok, you’d better go now. I’d like to talk to the adults again.


So what is Kyoung Hee's problem? I've narrowed it down to four possibilities.

 Physiologically brain impaired
 Divorced (making a person, as fellow Kor-blogger Oranckay noted here (scroll down for the comments), incapable of functioning reasonably for the rest of his/her life)
 Temporarily insane whenever nationalistic issues arise
 Constantly drunk


I don't have all the answers, but I'm thinking it's more than just one.

I don’t know what university she graduated from, but whichever one it is they owe the women's movement in Korea and intelligent people everywhere a big apology.