Saturday, February 23, 2008

What does Feng Shui mean?

Answer: It means people will believe anything.*

Update: Just a day after posting about the LA Zoo feng shui nonsense, I come across another article on feng shui being used in a Mcdonalds in California. When it comes to ridiculous (and costly) bullshit, I guess California has always been ahead of the curve.

Original Post

I caught this story quite late (it ran about a year ago): Zoo pays Feng Shui expert to aid monkeys.

The LA Zoo was at the time preparing a habitat for some golden monkeys on loan from the Chinese government and included in the budget was a $4,500 fee to a feng shui expert to make sure the monkey cages had good 'Qi'. Some excerpts from the article:

Feng shui is in demand among high-end architects and interior designers, but Beverly Hills-based feng shui expert Simona Mainini said the Los Angeles Zoo's effort may be a first in animal enclosure design.

Is feng shui really in demand in the States? I hope to god it is just among old Asian-Americans and a tiny minority of new age types (which might make up the majority of the Beverly Hills population, though). Aren't there enough stupid beliefs in the States already without having to import more from the East?

"It's very experimental," Mainini said. "We don't have any books on feng shui for monkeys. We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

Ah yes, just 'experimental'. This ever so rightly implies that feng shui is based on sound theory backed up by thousands of years of empirical evidence. What a pioneer this Mainini person must be.

So can we believe that this a real experiment then? Is she going to rate the quality of life for these monkeys and compare them with monkeys living in a Feng Shuiless environment? And how will she measure the quality of monkey life? Would monkeys living with good feng shui eat better? Would they be less likely to fling feces? (or should they be more likely to fling feces if they are happy? I can see that going both ways.)

Speaking of feces, has Mainini accounted for poo pile distribution when assessing the Qi energy flows within the cages? Maybe the zoo should pay another 5 grand and have her come back once they can account for the placement of these physical objects. If you don' t believe that a pile of shit can affect the feng shui in a room, just try dumping a load anywhere in your office and see how it affects the positive and negative energy flows of your workplace.

Here is one of the key texts on feng shui that I'm sure Mainini is referring to. (yes, it seems to be an actual book). The title seems a bit redundant.

Notice that two of the authors are 'masters'. Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh....

I wonder how many years, nay, decades of intensive study and research into this practice they must have labored through to achieve that title. Elizabeth Moran (last name pronounced with a stress on the first syllable) has yet to become a master, but they needed someone who knew how to read and type.
OK, back to the Master Mainini and her wonderful work at the LA Zoo. I'd like to revisit her last quote in regards to the Darwin reference:

"We just have to assume that Darwin is correct and that there is a connection and what is good for humans is good for monkeys."

Im sure Darwin would be very pleased to see his theories being applied in such scientific ways. Maybe evolutionary biologists should start investigating whether feng shui plays a big role in the evolutionary process? Maybe dinosaurs went extinct because the energy flows in their environment were just out of whack? Maybe it wasn't so much a meteor striking the earth, as it was the bad feng shui caused by the crater itself! Ever thought of that real possibility Mr. Smarty-pants Biologist? Maybe the spotted owls would adjust to the changing environment better if we just dug up and moved a few trees around? Obviously, there is a lot more work to be done for feng shui specialists!

Now I don't really know if what is good for humans is always good for monkeys, but I do know that electric shock therapy is good for getting naughty monkeys to stop doing stupid things, and if it works on monkeys, I'd be willing to give it an 'experimental' try on people like Mainini.

"The viewing building has a Chinese character," said principal architect Charles Mays, who hire Mainini. "We thought it would be more authentic if we went that extra step and made sure it was done with good feng shui."

Ok, include Mr. Charles May in the list of people needing experimental shock therapy. How can someone this idiotic be placed in the role of principal architect of a multi-million dollar project? If you want the building to really be more authentic in a "Chinese character" then just let some Chinese poachers break into the cage, slaughter the monkeys, and sell the body parts to oriental medicine witchdoctors and eat the rest. That's a pretty authentic view of how China has been handling its wildlife for the past few centuries, and would enable us in the West to see the monkeys in their truly natural habitat.

Mainini said she tweaked the plans to maximize the good qi (pronounced chee) [as in 'Cheesus Christ do you people really believe this shit?']. For example, she recommended moving a door on the observation tower or adding a fountain or water feature to "soften, with moisture, the harsh energy" in that area of the tower.

I really wonder just how much work she had to do for that $4,500. Are we to believe that she did anything more than just show up one sunny afternoon, walk around the cage for 5-10 minutes, pull a few of the usual feng shui lines out of her ass, and then rush off to the bank to cash her check? What a sweet scam this whole feng shui thing must be.

Here's another article on this event from Some members of the organization visited an open meeting held by the LA Zoo officials and were able to ask them directly about this bullshit.

Since science seemed to be escaping from the zoo, it was time for a visit from CFI. I was the first community speaker to be heard at the zoo’s March 20 Board of Commissioners meeting and was allowed three minutes to try to convince the commissioners that feng shui wasn’t worth forty-five cents, much less $4,500.

To her credit, one commissioner said she was surprised at hearing this had been approved. The zoo staff member who green-lighted the feng fee was not present to defend him or herself, but another staffer said it was an effort to replicate the cultural aspects of a rural Chinese village where these monkeys are from. “Why not just hire someone to recreate the look of a village,” I asked. “You don’t need all that ‘energy’ mumbo jumbo to make it look the same.”

They seemed to agree, and I got the distinct impression there was at least a hint of embarrassment over the whole affair. We can only hope. . . .

I seriously hope it was more than a hint of embarrassment. It would have been quite entertaining, though, if someone there had tried to defend the decision.

Ive been working on a list for the most ridiculous superstitions that somehow survive in developed countries and I put Feng Shui right at the top. Note that this list is reserved only for beliefs that are just too incredibly stupid for normal people to believe, yet are accepted by a significant percentage of the population.

So yes, if one of your own beliefs is included in this list, it can be counted as empirical evidence that you may be retarded and you might want to look into it.

Here is what I have so far. Let me know if Im missing anything or if the order should be changed.

  1. Feng shui
  2. Astrology/numerology
  3. Fan death
  4. Moxibustion**
  5. Belief that the Star Wars Episode series didn't suck
  6. ABO Blood type/personality theory (blood type is related to personality traits)
  7. spirit 'readings' (communication with spirits, ala John Edward and Slyvia Browne)
  8. Professional Wrestling is real
  9. Scientology
  10. All religions except for the good ones***

* Not sure where this joke originated. Anybody know?

**Although moxibustion works on the same principles as acupuncture, acupuncture is excluded from this list as it has been proven to be an effective placebo, which at least makes it semi-useful.

**The list of Good Religions includes Christianity, Buddhism and Judaism (Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists not yet included, but are encouraged to reapply for acceptance in a few decades. Jehovah Witnesses and Christian Scientists need not reapply)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

This week in Korea

비, “상 받을 때마다 어머니 생각난다”

(Every time Rain receives an award, he thinks about his mother.)

He is probably also reminded of his mother every time he uses that shade of lipstick.

Hollywood Calls for Rain

Rain has landed the lead role in a new Hollywood movie, Ninja Assassin.

If that isn't the face of a ninja assassin, I don't know what is.

On his website, Rain (26) had once stated that he was so dedicated to becoming the best singer and dancer that he could be, that he has never had time for a girlfriend.

What a sacrifice for one's craft, eh? It certainly takes a special kind of man who can spend day after day, month after month, and year after year among male dance choreographers, hair stylists and back up dancers without even a moment to spare for female companionship.

Shiny happy Japanese tourists posing in front of the smoldering remains of Sungnyemun.

Brought back some good memories, perhaps.

According to anonymous sources, the previous night these tourists stayed up late watching news reports on the fire while singing the lyrics to a Bloodhound Gang song ("the loop, the loop, the loop is on pieya")

And this is the funniest story I've read all month:

A 52-year-old man was caught for attempting to eat his landlady's pet dog.

The man, identified as Park, took the pet Chihuahua into his room, while his 69-year-old landlady Jeon was in the bathroom. He then killed the dog and attempted to cook it at the boarding house in Jongno, Seoul, Monday afternoon.

Park tried to scorch the dog before cooking it in his room, but his clothes in the room caught fire and emitted smoke. His neighbors called the firefighters and his attempt to cook the dog was detected by neighbors and firefighters, according to police.

Police quoted Park, drunk when apprehended, as saying, ``I did so because I was hungry.''

He was booked without physical detention on charges of theft.

Now this is the Korea that we all know and love.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Korean Pedophiles Invade America!

Shocking news out of America: A Korean exchange student has been charged with molesting American children.

There's the dirty little pepper picker!

I'm a bit disappointed in the American media here. First off, why isn't this case being given national coverage? Why treat this like an isolated event that does not potentially represent the entire Korean population in the States?

The headline in the Boston Globe reads, 'Exchange student charged with molesting children.' Granted, it does give a bit of an indication that a dirty foreigner is involved, and I'm relieved to see at least that much, but why not just make the headline, "South Korean pervert charged with molesting children"? Or better yet, "Korean molests white American children". For the sake of accuracy, this is much better.

This should be followed up by editorial after editorial calling for action to keep all of these Koreans from coming to our country and molesting our children. All the talk shows should then pick up the story and every major network should run a special on these dangerous criminals lurking about in our society.

Clearly, our country's media could learn a lot from the Dynamic Korean Media on how to properly run with these kinds of stories.

And next we need the government to get involved and completely overhaul the visa process. How many more Koreans are doing the SAME THING in America to our children EVERY DAY? According to statistics I think I heard or read from somewhere*, over 80% of Koreans in America are sexual deviants or prostitutes. We need to do something NOW!

I want every single Korean male wishing to come to America to submit PROOF that he does NOT molest children. We'll start with a policy of submitting criminal records from Korea. And then we'll make it a policy to always reject the first submission of said criminal records because they are missing a key signature or 도장 or whatever (we can get creative on this) and force them to submit the records again. Naturally, we'll then reject those records again because we all know that the legal system in Korea is a pile of shit anyway.

So those who fail to provide conclusive evidence that they have never molested a child (and this will be all of them) will have to schedule an interview. First they will have to wait in line for at least 3 hours to schedule the interview, and then they'll have to wait about 6 months for the actual interview to take place.

Wait a minute, I think this already is the procedure for getting a visa to the States.

OK, make that a 5 hour wait to schedule and a 16 month wait for the actual interview.

Then in the interview we'll ask tough questions like the following:
  1. Why do so many Koreans molest children?
  2. If you go to America, do you think you will be more likely to molest a child like Korean national Park Hanse, or go on a killing spree like Korean national Seung-Hui Cho?
  3. What do you think about the Wondergirls? (As two members of the Wondergirls are only 15, which makes them minors, any positive response to this question will result in immediate rejection. )
  4. Do you or your parents have any pictures of a male baby with the penis prominently displayed? (this will get rid of about 95% of all applicants)
  5. Have you ever frequented a bathhouse known to allow naked children? Is it because you like to be around naked children?
  6. If you had to choose between touching a child's penis or giving Dokdo and Cheju island to Japan, which would you select?
Now I want to make it clear to all Koreans that there is nothing racist or xenophobic about this. One pedophile from a foreign country gets caught and so naturally we should suspect everyone from said foreign country and enact reasonable laws to protect our citizens. It's just common sense, isn't it? Come on, can't you at least imagine what you would want to do if the same thing happened in your country?

Hat tip to Brian in (God-forsaken) Chollanam-do.

*I can't remember the exact source for these statistics, but I do recall that they came from the exact same source that the Korea media used to come up with their "90% of all foreign teachers here illegally are violent criminals" statistic. (look at that, I just linked to my old blog that will be shut down in a few weeks. Derp!)

Ain't no sunshine when Roh's gone

What anyone with half a brain already knew from the beginning, a good deal of food aid from South Korea went to feed the North Korean army. This on the heels of other revelations that the oil shipments and money for construction projects probably went to the military as well. Of course, this information was known to the South Korean government for some time.

Something tells me the paper shredders in the Blue House are seeing a lot of use these days.

I had a discussion a few months back with a Korean who was trying to argue that the Sunshine Policy needed to continue even after Noh was gone. It started off with the usual humanitarian appeal, but when pressed with the fact that the food aid doesn't go where it is supposed to go and that in the end the Sunshine Policy just ensured the survival of an evil regime, her only counter was to say, "Well, what responsibility does the American government have for this situation?"

To which I countered: "What responsibility does the Korean education system have for producing an entire generation of idiots?"

Or maybe I said something different; I can't really remember. Anyway, the discussion never really progressed in any meaningful way after that point.

Reprint of old post:
Speaking anti-Americanism in Korea, the following is a post from the old blog that somewhat fits this theme. Since there doesn't seem to be a way to import my old files from my typepad blog, mayhaps I'll be doing this kind of thing often. Within this post, I actually refer back to yet another old post on the original Partypooper blog I had on Blogcity (is that even still around?). Kind of ironic, don't you think? (In the Alanis Morissette definition of irony, that is)

USA: Korea's Most Important Ally (August 19, 2004)

Korean politicians from the left-leaning Uri party, voted America as Korea's most important country with which to maintain amicable ties (North Korea came in a distant second...)

This is a picture from a rally held last Sunday.

Damn, I'd hate to think what would happen if we slipped down to #2 ally.

Anyway, I'm sure South Korean President Noh will soon offer a heartfelt apology to the States for this defiling of our national symbol, just as he did when some activists burned a North Korean flag a year back. I mean, we are their most important ally and all.

In case you didn't know, last Sunday was a holiday to celebrate their independence from Japan.

Celebrating your independence from Japan by shredding the flag of the country directly responsible for your country gaining said independence: that makes sense...I think...

I can't wait for Iraq to become a free, productive, democratic nation after thousands of American lives have been sacrificed and billions of dollars of US aid has been poured into the country so they can be as grateful as the Koreans are today.


I just happened to ride the subway last weekend in the same car with about 40 or so student protestors on their way to a rally (probably the one in the picture). About 12 of them were female and on a scale of 1-10...well, let's just say I don't think they were giving up any hot dating prospects that weekend by going out to the demonstration.

That reminded me of an old post I had about the causes of anti-Americanism. Allow me to repost:

Anti-Americanism in Korea:

It's hard to speak in generalities about such a complex issue, but that's never stopped me before! Here are the main causes:

20% of the time the "anti's" have valid points [Note: percentage can raise as high as 45% during Republican presidencies].

25% of the time they just need a scapegoat to take their attention off their own fucked-up country and lives [sexual frustration may be a key component here for some Korean students; Korean student protestors usually ain't so easy on the eyes and that frustration has got to go somewhere...]

25% of the time they actually don't know exactly what they are protesting, but are just going to the most recent demonstration because their boyfriend or club circle is going and they are deathly afraid of being left out of the group.

30% of the time it is just a case of impotent rage and blind jealousy OF THE MOST ASS-KICKINEST JUGGERNAUT OF AN EMPIRE THAT HAS EVER ROCKED THIS WORLD!!! YEEHAW!!!!!

[blog author pauses to get his guns and shoot several rounds in the air]

Ok then...

Note: Picture of flag shredding swiped from Corsair the Rational Pirate site. He may be a pirate, but at least he's one of the rational ones. The name of his blog gave me an idea for a killer punk band name: Irrational Butt Pirates. I'd definitely check out a band named Irrational Butt Pirates.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Incestuously Amplified

[A comment left on this post deserving more attention. For those familiar with the 'old school' of K-bloggers, enjoy...]

The Artist Formerly Known as IA said...

Usually the guards only give us 15 minutes per week on the internets, but I provided special hand relief (my supreme wrist dexterity was developed through extensive chopstick usage) to my favorite guard Fat Jerry (nickname does not apply to genitalia), so I got half an hour this me the opportunity to thank the Pooper for a shout-out and a trip down memory lane.

Given my limited interwebs access and decision to prioritize midget porn, I haven't been able to keep up with all my old favorite Korean sports legends as much as I'd like to, but I’ve made numerous assumptions that I’m 99.73% must be accurate. For example, I'm sure Choi Hee-seop is bathing in the glory of a $150-million contract with the Yankees by now and must be married to Jessica Alba...because what 100-homer star isn't?

I also assume that my old pal Lee Seung-yeop has already led the LA Dodgers to 3 World Series titles, given his previous supreme confidence in a future of dominating MLB. My cell mate actually tried to tell me that Lee was languishing in the Japanese League for the last few years and had NOT attained Babe Ruth-level status in the Major Leagues, and I literally spit his balls out of my mouth (I'm not gay, I was merely practicing for my Super Junior audition) when I heard that, because it was so ridiculous and unfathomable that the Home Run King of Asia would not have added Home Run King of the world to his title by now. I mean, he was the Home Run KING. Not the Home Run Prince.

And surely Lee Chun-soo and his gay haircut must be lounging in a hot tub in Madrid, stroking his FIFA Footballer of the year trophy while simultaneously masturbating to Wonder Girls videos. Last thing I heard from the Korean media before I was sentenced, he was well on his way to destroying the Spanish League and planting the Taeguki on European soil just like Rain planted it on American soil with his 10-times platinum debut album “It’s Raining Jizz On My Tongue.”

But enough about homosexual Korean athletes and their felatio-obsessed cheerleaders at the Suh-poach papers. Let’s talk about the Korean Tiger Woods. I will say that Choi Kyung-ju gets much respect for being a pretty humble and likeable guy. As far as I know he hasn't fallen into the trap of believing the sycophantic hero-worshipping horseshit that gets served up on a daily basis by Korean media fluff-boys. He’s that rare breed of Korean athlete that seems to understand that most of his fellow countrymen are functionally retarded when it comes to comparative analysis involving a fellow member of the master race. I assume it’s because he’s actually in the arena with Tiger Woods on a regular basis and he knows how large the gap is between them. As opposed to the pseudo-legends like Lee who rack up meaningless stats in domestic leagues and just extrapolate those results onto a higher level of competition like magic.

On a different note, you appear to be the Luke Skywalker of the Korean're the only hope in providing the kind of sarcasm and wit that it so desperately needs. I cringe every time I hear about another deeply contemplative K-blog popping up that takes itself (and Korea) far more seriously than it deserves. Honestly, is it even possible to pretend to write in earnest about Korean politics when the politicians are pulling each other’s hair and throwing shoes? Come on, it’s Korea for fuck’s sake. It begs not to be taken seriously, and any sane person must comply.

Thanks for the time Pooper, and perhaps you’ll allow me to guest-blog upon my release, assuming my anus has contracted back to its normal size and is again capable of holding a pen tightly enough to write with.


[Assuming your release, guest-blogs always welcome--even posts that aren't related to midget porn]