Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Little Bride Review

There's a new movie out taking Korea by storm called "The Little Bride" (어린 신부), and it looks HOT!!


It's a story about a 25 year old guy who is "forced" by his grandfather to marry a 16-year-old girl. Now, look at that picture; does that guy look like someone who was "forced" to be in bed with that little sweet hottie minor (played deliciously by new actress Moon Geun-young)? I think not!!!

Just looking at this picture reassures me that the director handles this subject in a realistic manner. Now, he could have had the 25 year-old guy with a look of panic on his face just like that sexy little cutey next to him, but no! Look at that shit-eating grin on his face! He's scored big and he knows it!


Just look at that little doll-faced cutie! So young, innocent and pure...they say she's 16, but I'd say she doesn't look a day over 12! Perfect casting! Just look at the smile on that actors face! And can you blame him? Wouldn't you be grinning ear to ear knowing that you were lying in bed next to a girl who is still wearing a training bra? Schwing!!!


Oh know there are going to be a lot of scenes with this cute little number in her school-girl outfits. It's about time the Korean film industry woke up to what people here in Korea want to see. We're tired of all these 20 something over-the-hill actresses showing off their tired old bodies in vain. That's not what we want to see! The popularity of Moon Geun-young is through the roof! She's all over the TV and the sports pages. Will she soon be posing nude on the Internet? One can only hope!!


Here's my favorite promo-pic from the movie. VERY hot. it baby...gnaw on that long "screw bar" like there's no tomorrow! Oh yes, Daddy Like!!!

Anyway, when I first heard about the movie I worried that they would do a PC butchering of this PERFECT theme by having the couple later realize that they just could not possibly stay married. But no!!! He gets to keep this little hottie in the end! Assah!!!!

My only criticism of the movie is the extremely unrealistic story-line of when the main actor is tempted by a 24 or so year old slutty character played by Kim Bo Young.


Now someone please tell me why in the world would you be distracted even for a moment from your perfect barely-teenage looking bride by this over-ripened old hag? Come on!!

Now what they should have done is have the guy be tempted by one of his bride's hot little high school friends. You know, all of her high school girl friends come over for an over-night pajama party (now THAT would be a hot scene!) and one of her friends makes a move on him while they are all playing Twister (I mean, hell, if we're going to make a fantasy-fulfillment film for pedophiles, let's go all the way!). This would be much more believable than having the Bo-young girl trying to seduce him by swinging her overly developed breasts in his face (Yuck!!).

So hats off to the writers, directors and producers of this one. Sure, considering the fact that Korea and Japan have a big problem with under-aged girls sleeping with adult guys for shopping money you could easily imagine this kind of movie would be avoided, or at least they would wimp out and not let the couple stay together. But no! They have the courage to give the people what they want. On behalf of all true men in Korea (especially male high school and middle school teachers), I thank you.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Apologize you Canadian bastards!


Breaking news from the Daum home page: A hotel in Montreal is flying a ripped Korean flag. It's been that way for a while, but the arrogant Canadians refuse to replace it. Furthermore, there is no way to prove that Korean-hating Canadians did not rip it on purpose, nor as of yet is there any firm evidence that Canadians do not secretly smirk and giggle to themselves every time they see it.

(hey, with factual reporting like this, maybe I could be a "journalist" for Oh My News!).

To all my Canadian brothers currently in Korea, I advise you to stay indoors until the inevitable swell of Anti-Canadianism fury has abated. If this is not possible, at least remove the maple leaf insignia from your backpacks (they look a little gay anyway) and if questioned on the street swear that you are an American (be extra careful to pronounce "about" like an American would, or just avoid using prepositions all together).

Moon Hee Jun threatens retirement!

hee_junMun Hee Jun formerly of the mega-band HOT confessed that he might retire from the music scene. If Korean literate and EXTREMELY hard up for things to do today then you can read all about it here

Hee Jun (also called "She Jun" by fans when rumors surfaced that he likes wearing make-up even off-stage) says that the 3 years since he went solo have seemed like 30 years, mostly due constant criticism and ridicule by the huge "anti Hee Jun" mob.

It seems he has become a laughing stock due to some ridiculous comments that he reportedly made. After going solo he proclaimed himself not just a rocker, but the greatest rocker in Korea (which of course, is utterly ridiculous since we all know the greatest Korean rocker is...uh...well....Hmm. Shit, maybe it IS true!). Apparently in a radio interview they asked his opinion of Led Zeppelin and he admitted that he had never heard of them. He also claimed that he can sing 7 octaves. Now, I do know that castrated choir boys can keep hitting the high notes, and there is certainly no evidence that Hee Jun still has his own pair, but this is still a little hard to swallow.

And what will he do after he retires in shame? What all Korean celebrities do when they are disgraced in Korea: go to America (I'd recommend San Francisco).

Just in case you weren't here 9 or so years ago when HOT broke out, here's an early picture.


I challenge you to find another band that looks this ridiculous ANYWHERE in the world (click on picture to get the full effect). I guess we can see where the Teletubby creators got their inspiration. I'm generally not a fan of violence, but if I found out my younger brother was in a band like this I would feel it was my duty to kick his ass.

In Hee Jun's defense I will say that his music since going solo is no more shitty than any of the other former group members. But when you come from a gay group like HOT and try to break into rock, you're just begging for grief.

Mun Hee Jun, the Vanilla Ice of Korea.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Korea Gaywatch Files Revisited

This is the same post I put on the old site. I've added soccer star and CF Queen Ahn Jeong Hwan at the end. If you have already committed the Gaywatch Files to memory like most readers, you can just scroll down and see the new stuff.


As any foreigner who has lived here for a while knows, Koreans have a way underdeveloped sense of "Gaydar."

Allow me to illustrate;

About 4 years ago or so "talent" Hong Seok Cheon was on TV rather often (he was on a children's show and also the many variety shows). His actions and mannerisms were obviously gay, so I comment to my then girlfriend that it's amazing that Koreans allow such an openly gay person on primetime TV. She was quite surprised, and said that Hong wasn't gay, he was just "funny."

A year or so later he came out of the closet and many Koreans were shocked. If you had seen this guy on TV, you would realize that this is about as shocking as revelations that Liberace was gay.

I've also taught in Korea with two teachers who were gay. The students, staff and Korean faculty never caught on, even those who hung out with the teachers extensively. One of them was rather handsome, yet kept rejecting the advances of certain female students and always declined to be set up on a date. The Koreans concluded that he just didn't like Korean girls (they were half right). We didn't bother "enlightening" them since few Koreans can deal maturely with this issue (such as this blog author is currently doing right now).

We did tell one staff member who hung out with the teachers all the time. His response was, "That's not possible, John is nice." Classic.

So, as a public service to Koreans, I'd like to start the Korean Gaywatch.

Criteria for my judgments:

The following criteria have been rigorously researched and tested by outstanding universities and research centers across the United States and in Europe. Links forthcoming.

Note that just one or even two of these criteria (except perhaps #5, though this is a subject of hot debate currently among researchers) do not necessarily a homo make. Only when at least 2 test positive is there a chance that the person might be a closet homosexual (or 옷장 homosexuals, as they are known in Korea).

Once three or four criteria score positive then we can start making a tentative case, and after five have passed you can rest assured that the person is, in the words of Cartman from South Park, "a gay homosexual."

1. Dresses very fashionably (especially likes wearing accesories)

2. Relatively neat and clean (for a guy), especially in regards to his apartment/home.

3. Never seems to be involved with girls (no scandals, gossip, nothing)

4. Is better looking than this blog author (no, I'm serious. This is related to the scientific fact that gays tend have more feminine features than hetero males and this typically makes them unfairly more attractive than men, such as this author, who are more the "manly and ruggedly handsome" type).

5. Fucks guys even though he is not in prison

6. Loves to dance [Note, that it is true that heterosexuals also dance. However, it is a well-established fact that heterosexuals dance only because it's a good way to pick up women]

7. Knew who Gianni Versace was before he was killed by that gay serial killer guy.

8. Wears very nice shoes, and, when asked, admits that he, not a girlfriend or his mother, purchased them. May even share a brief but somewhat emotional story about how many places he had to shop at before he found them (see #10)

9. Has at any time expressed interest in becoming a hair dresser, fashion designer or critic, dancer, lion tamer/performer/magician, or mime.

10. Likes woman stuff like shopping, dancing, and female singers

11. Simply acts, just, you know, gay.

Important Disclaimer

Just because this author spent hours and hours on this subject does not in any way mean that he might be gay. I'm sick of people claiming that I must be secretly gay because I expend so much energy talking about it. I love women. Lots of them. As a matter of fact, I even have sex with them, sometimes even more than once. So just stop thinking that about me right now.

If you are still not convinced, then I'll post a 19 page document I prepared on this same subject that PROVES I am not gay. Ok then.

[Update: said document is now up to 45 pages and includes graphs and charts. It also includes a chapter devoted solely to the controversial "Camp Weaver boyscout" incident of 1983]


Ok, let's get to Korea.

#1 Gangta


This is that pretty boy singer from H.O.T.

Note that he fits criteria 1-4. I lack the necessary data to confirm criterion #11, but I can say that on all the variety shows I've seen him on, he has never made a cruel joke or impersonation of Korean fashion designer Andre Kim. True heteros always seize the opportunity to joke about gays. That's just normal guy stuff.

Also, what's up with that "make-up" thing he did on his music video? A true man would have told the director to F-off at the mere suggestion (see An Jeong Hwan for related charge).

I think the strongest charge would be going back to #3. Gang Ta is probably the best looking guy in Korea right now. If he was even rumored to be interested in someone it would be all over the Sport's New's pages.
Now, since he has become famous there have only been 2 rumors of him having a girlfriend. The first was with Park Ji Yoon years back. They had been sighted together a few times and that was enough to get rumors going. However, they both denied the "charges" repeatedly and eventually people realized that indeed there was nothing going on. Finally, this year there were some photos floating around the net of him and singer Lee Soo Young with their arms around each other. It was later found out to be a fake.

8 years since making it big, and not one known girlfriend. You do the math...

You read it here first...

#2. The "cute" guy from G.O.D.

god Pretty in Pink!

There were rumors already going around about this guy being gay. They went away, though the issue was never fully settled (G.O.D. "answered" the issue by making a music video where this guy plays a very manly role of protecting a "girlfriend" from some gangster types. It couldn't have been more forced). I'm sure a lot of you Koreans are out there confused about the issue. That's what this website is all about.

He tests positive for criterion 1 and 2. #3 is another big red flag (you'd think he would have at least tried a fake relationship to dispel the gay rumors). I'm a little uncertain about #4. I do hear a lot of the "cute" talk, but the guy needs a nose job. Having a large nose myself, I am very hesitant to include this criterion in my argument.

He is not really talkative or outgoing (the fat singer and dumb-ass Korean American in G.O.D. never shut up) so it is very difficult to judge criterion #11.

However, we do have some further evidence that tips the scale. A while back G.O.D. did commercials for ice cream (those whores did commercials for practically everything a few years back). Each G.O.D. member had a different flavor and which one do you think cutey boy got? Strawberry. That's right, cute pink feminine strawberry. I think we can close this case.

#3 Bruno

This is the German guy who attends a Korean university (studying drama, suspiciously enough). He used to have long blond hair and became a big sensation on Korean TV several years back. He speaks Korean well, and predictably all the Korean girls were crazy about him.

The evidence:

A big red flag on #2 (cleanliness). I watched a show where they went to his apartment. It was amazingly clean and tidy. The show hosts were very impressed, and noted that he was even cleaner than a woman. Now some of you women might think there is nothing telling about a person's cleanliness, but come on. Think of all the men you have known in your life (your father, brothers, and boyfriends especially). How many of them were quite clean? How many were disgusting pigs? It's a scientifically proven fact that men lack certain hormones or genes or whatever (I lost the link) that makes them interested in cleaning.

Red flags on numbers 1 and 3, big red flag on #4.

bruno1 Bruno at ease with Korean "skinship."

Let's look at #11. I saw him on a talk show and he was such the prissy little princess. They discussed things that Koreans said or did that bothered him. As I recall, he didn't like people asking his age.

Now unless a guy is trying to score with a young girl half his age(give me a few more years and that will actually be legal for me to try), he will never be hesitant to reveal his true age. That's a girl thing. And as you know, if a guy does anything like a girl , it means he probably loves dick. That's just simple logic: Guy likes something that usually only girls like, girls typically have sexual interest in male penises (is that the correct plural form of penis? Is the plural form "peni?"), thus and ergo, that guy also likes penis (that is, a penis other than his own, I mean, we all really love our own penises, there's nothing gay about that).

New Entries

Ahn Jeong Hwan

Ahn Jeong Hwan is certainly a pretty boy, but did not get the attention of the Gaywatch Files until he made a very questionable commercial (see below). No decision has been made by the Gaywatch Committee at this point. Here is an update of the current debate.

The Case For

ahn1 Not all men who wear speedos are gay (they might just be Italian), but all gay men do own speedos. Thus, this evidence is permissable though it is clearly not a "smoking gun," so to speak.

ahn2 It is true that some say Ahn's "speed skating" ceremony after scoring a goal against the US was "gay." However, it is important to understand that the meaning of "gay" in this sense is the relatively new term fashionable among verbally challenged adolescents who use the word "gay" to describe anything that they do not believe to be proper or "cool." Thus, Gaywatch has stricken this evidence from consideration.

The only real damning evidence was Ahn's "performance" in the skin lotion CF (commercial, for those not up on their Konglish). Athletes are notoriously bad actors, yet Ahn's role as the half-naked guy in the gym with an extraordinary amount of interest in another half-naked guy's smooth skin was very believable.
ahn4 Ahn getting up close and personal with Kim Jae Won. Unfortunately, no Gaywatch File investigator was on hand at the photoshoot to observe whether or not Ahn was "sporting mad wood" at the time of the shooting.

The Evidence Against

ahn3 Ahn Jeong Hwan and his wife.

Now, the first thing any raging red-blooded hetero notices here is that Ahn's wife is stacked! Now by Asian women standards, she's equal to a Pamela Anderson (pre-breast reduction surgery).

Now it is true that just being married alone does not take one off of the Gaywatch files. Gays often marry women because they weren't crystal clear yet on their sexuality at the time. In other cases, they might marry just to get their folks off their backs.

However, seeing as how he chose a woman just bursting with such ample femininity does seem to make a case that he is just as entranced by breasts as any normal hetero.

Thus, the jury is still out as the experts continue to research and the debate rages on.

Tune back in for updates on the hour.

Comments on original post


Great post. As far as Bruno goes, I must mention that I did see him in a bar in Seoul with a small gaggle of Korean women about three years ago. However, your other points outweigh one night of flirtation. And besides that, he's a wanker any which way you cut it.

Posted by: Luke | May 24, 2004 at 09:40 PM

Thank you for the input on Bruno. It sounds more like a "girls night out" to me than anything else.

I don't know if he qualifies as a "wanker." Perhaps I should start up a "WankerWatch" side project?

Posted by: Scott | June 02, 2004 at 11:53 PM


How camp is that?

Posted by: Simon | August 22, 2004 at 12:19 PM

This site is so ignorant just like anyone else who starts or joins this dumb gaywatch! damn! don't you have anything better to do than start something this stupid. Are you gay curious yourself of gay activities that you watch all these korean men and their actions. hahaha... they're making it big and whatever they do.. they certainly got it for they wouldn't be rich and famous for you to be taking your sweet little time, waiting and watching them. Damn I mean if you're gonna start something serious, watch and inform people of poverty or struggles in korea, since this is something you're quite interested in, Koreans. And all those people's comments in agreeing with this ignorant fool (you're one, because all your information are based on your feelings and based on people who don't know anything of the glbt lifestyle, since it's just being quite openly accepted in parts of America and come on, we know areas like in Asia are strict about the ways people live their lives, so all I'm saying is that whatever source you got your info from, be it any uneducated gay bashing korean media group who writes up and bashes these korean men or women is ignorant too, for they aren't educated enough!!) anyways, back to my original point, anyone who agrees with this ingnorant fool, you all are just like him and being brainwashed with these nonsense. Stop thinking negatively and stop bashing people with your spare time, do something good for yourself that will benefit you and your future.

And to reply to that pretty in pink picture of Moon Hee Jun, it's definitly photoshop touch up. That body is so skinny comparing to his. Come on! where's the common sense in your eyes people?!?!?!?! you need some glasses?!!?

And another reply to, korean guys who wears make up... so if a male band of koreans or others wear make up, that means they are all gay or gay curious? Many man definitly has had encounter with other man at a time through their life sexually. They are just afraid to say it and many still end up being interested in woman only. There's room for everything here on earth!! Oh wait, Moon hee jun wears make up off stage, he's definitly gay. Honestly, at first when I saw him, I thought he was gay (but that was when I was uneducated! And people, I don't mean gay the way dumb people uses it, meaning "lame" or "dumb"), but since being educated and understanding how people are different, I've learned quite a lot and how being informed with open mind, to not instantly put a label on someone just because they are different from me for this information will benefit me in what I do in life. And if you don't understand what I mean, I insist you go to college. And through this, I'm gonna take back that thought of him and remain at not judging him or labling him. I don't know him like that, but you and everybody else, (it's funny how ALL ignorant people are) so quick to judge others when you and they don't even know squat of that person personally other than what you or they hear and see in the media. WAKE UP! Media is a killer and full of bullshit. Plus, it don't matter if he's not gay or he is. It's all about his talented skills.
Also, come on!! We all know, that many male artist of any field where's make up to look good on camera or shows anywhere. Let me educate you and open your mind: People choose to look certain ways just like how you choose to look like you! Has there been people bashing your look? So why should you go do that to others? How would you feel? BAD! Ofcourse you would feel BAD. Geez. And the all the male korean bands you see probably have to put on make up, because of management!! Whose gonna have full authority, a guy who is not anywhere near fame and riches or the management that has riches and power and fame?? That's how it is in the entertainment industry. You gotta do what you're told to get where you want and if you don't agree, then don't do it. End of story.

Peace, please. I mean it. Peace. You don't know, one day your loved ones... your son, whoever that is male in your life (heck maybe even you, because what if all males starts wearing makeup for this kind of movement will grow from Korea, Japan, America.. wherever that is happening? Everybody follows trends.) is gonna wear make up and you don't know what to do. Are you gonna be the shit out of him to stop him from wearing make up or are you gonna love him?! Or are you gonna miss out on life and severe the bond between him and you? If your answer is to beat the shit out of him and cut him off, you obviously don't understand the meaning of life and I would finally agree to it that i read you... and I entertain the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn. One day, hopefully one, eveyone on this site that feeds off these ignorant information will see what I mean.

p.s. It's so obvious that this site sucks for it's content is full of ignorant and uneducated information.
This site just saw the day of light for my post has just been, "posted".


Posted by: This site sucks!! | December 02, 2005 at 03:34 PM

with all their ass fucking, they will get gay ass fagot disease

Posted by: fuckallgays | January 31, 2006 at 08:49 PM

I find this site very ignorant. If you analyze info. that way then, everyone in the world must be gay. I'm not supporting gay rights or anything, but you're not getting anything across by making assumptions through poor evidence. You're saying right now that you're very educated in Korea's culture, but it seems like you don't know a damn single thing about it. You're just taking every possible sentence and twisting it around to prove your point or what you want it to be. You must really like assuming that everyone's gay. Trying to find comfort or something?

Posted by: Scott | June 16, 2006 at 09:11 AM

The creaters of PartyPooper are STUPED, IDEOTIC, IGNORENT, AND HAS NO RESPECT FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. Is there a TUMOR in your brain? You FUCKING idiots should get a GODDAMM LIFE.

KOREANS is a unique nation like the rest of the world. They have their own qualities, style, language, a way to get along, and so much more. BUT IN KOREA, guys can get close to eachother if they want. That doesn't fucking mean that they are gay, it means that they are very good friends. You stuped fcking americans think that if a guy hugs another guy, it means gay. If a guy calls another guy, they're gay. If a guy hangs out with another guy, they're gay. If a guy sucks another guys dick, he's gay. If a guy gives another guy a card, i guess you think they'd be gay too huh? You fucking whorebags must not know anything about the world these days. I guess you think they world revolves around you, dont you? Now listen here, btches, you stupid ignorant, immature, fcktards should start to RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOURSELVES AND STOP BEING SO SELF ABSORBED. WHY CANT ALL YOU FUCKIN WHITE PEOPLE STOP RESORTING TO STEROTYPES aND RESEPCT EVERYONE LIKE I DO!


People like you... annoys the fucking SHIT out of me.

Posted by: PARTYPOOPERkiCKSASS | June 25, 2006 at 05:47 PM

"People like you... annoys the fucking SHIT out of me."

Fortunately for you, you shouldn't have any trouble finding someone to pack it back in for you. BADABAM!!

Posted by: Iceberg | June 25, 2006 at 07:10 PM

Was i horribly mistaken when I thought this post was done in as a joke and not to be taken seriously as a textbook on homosexuality?

Posted by: Crazyfrog | July 21, 2006 at 02:03 AM

No, refreshingly correct.

Posted by: scott | July 21, 2006 at 02:57 AM

You need to seriously be educated in the Korean culture, dumbass.

Posted by: ugh | July 23, 2006 at 03:07 AM

HEY asshole, instead of taking hours on research, being obsessed w/ korean people (in a freaky way), posting any and every dirt or b.s. you can find on the country- (no one really cares about SHIT made by HATERS, well, wait a minute, how much time have I spent here? I guess at least I really care what you have to say, huh?) CUZ STUFF HAPPENS In OTHER COUNTRIES.. as bad or worse.. why dont u take all this fricken time and energy and post good stuff that doesn't HAVE to be about Korea. Then people would appreciate it and NoT HATE you (though personally, I kind of like you. Do you like me?),
do you

have a




all this stuff i just said is cuz i CAN fool. GyeaAA. (do you know what that means? It's black English, I think. Doesn't it make me sound cool?)

Posted by: partypooper has me cuckoo for cocoa puffs! | July 25, 2006 at 12:35 AM

oh yeah . For those of you who think this is a harmless "joking" site,
THIS GUY IS NUTS. I love his stuff!
i mean seriously, he knows about everything from Ganta, G.O.D. (all member and their idiosyncrasies) everything bout korean soccer, movies, news... his comments are just full of insight and TRUTH!.
I just wish he would post more.

Posted by: FACED!! | July 25, 2006 at 12:48 AM

Dude! You Rock! ;)

Posted by: just turned 15 | July 25, 2006 at 07:02 PM

this guy... changes people's comments if it "insults" him.. wonder if he insults others...

Posted by: bbf | July 27, 2006 at 11:10 PM

[this comment has been edited for language, cuz Jesus just doesn't like a little potty mouth]

That`s right you cockadoody ragamuffin, delete my last comment ... That just proves my little tushy right! Flippin` poo-poo head! Get off your tucus mister mister and find a job & if your not quelified for anything other than driving me insane, then go get some help, by cricky! ... I recommend you call the 'nut house' first. Mr. malarky farky

Posted by: an-O-ni-mous | August 09, 2006 at 11:55 AM

Once on the street, I thought I saw Lee Junki so I followed him for a while (I'm kind of a natural stalker, as you can guess from my obsession with this blog). When I finally got close enough to see him, it turned out to be an underdeveloped high school girl. The weird thing is though, is that for some reason I got this strange feeling and kept on following her and I really wanted to talk to her. I keep going back to that same place to try to see her again.

What does this mean? I feel so confused...

Posted by: an-O-ni-mous | August 09, 2006 at 11:59 AM

Now that you mention it, Lee does resemble an underdeveloped high school girl. Wait, so do most of the guys on Korean TV. I feel so confused...wait, there's Han Chaeyoung's ginormous boobies...I am no longer confused.

Posted by: Gigantic Panda | August 09, 2006 at 07:01 PM

All you do is edit peoples blogs because they all say the same cocka doody thing over and over and over again ... unbelievable.

See you tomorrow!

Posted by: an-O-ni-mous | August 09, 2006 at 09:06 PM

Do you have a problem with just Korean's or something? Cause, your only talking trash about their race. Just because you have a problem with them, doesn't mean that you have to make up lies about them. And, stop thinking for them or talking for them.

Posted by: yUnie | August 10, 2006 at 10:20 AM

I suggest you learn more about Korean culture before making judgements like these. Obviously coming from a Korean perspective, homosexuality is a rare thing and what is conventionally believed as the 'symptoms of homosexuality' in the western culture does not become viewed as an act of homosexuality in Korea. Besides, even in western culture with the rise of metrosexuals, (and not to mention what you have suggested are basically streotypes) it is hard to define someone as being gay by their physical appearance. Weren't you the same person that was criticising about Koreans being judgemental about one's visual apperance? I thought so. Hypocrite.

Posted by: jj | November 15, 2006 at 05:13 AM

the hell, I never found any looser like you in the whole internet XD
not that I loked for it anyway..
you must be really bored if you have time to bash other people liek that..
as for H.O.T and other member of music bands most people know how had they had to work, so first get your ass up to and do something more productave, your suck!

Posted by: kenken | January 02, 2007 at 05:39 PM

I'm gay. I date men, and I just don't fit any of your criteria. So, am I still "gay"? Let's get some things straight:

I don't have some inherent fashion sense, so you wouldn't be able to see that I'm gay by looking at my shoes.
I don't like shopping, dancing, etc.

I've never wanted to be a hair dresser, lion tamer/performer/magician, or mime either...

Most people don't realize that I'm gay. I guess it's because people buy into these stereotypes, but if you met me, you wouldn't assume that I'm gay, unless I told you. It's that way for a lot of gay guys- you might have some gay friends and not even know it... (signal horror movie music)

Posted by: Does it matter? | June 03, 2008 at 07:34 PM

this site is hateful and disgusting. look at all of the angry posts on here. please stop.

Posted by: heyOo | June 03, 2008 at 07:42 PM

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

I was a teenage dirtbag, baby

I was a teenage dirt-bag, baby.

Forgive me for departing from my usual all things Korean commentary, but I'm feeling a little retro lately.

I went to middle and high school during the 80’s. As you know, there are the usual cliques and classifications of teenagers such as the Jocks, the preppies, the “popular” crowd, the nerds, and at the bottom of the heap were the dirt-bag stoners.

I belonged somewhat to the jocks (played on the baseball team), the nerds (kept my grades up and played D&D) and the stoners (listened to heavy metal and partied on the weekends) and had separate friends from each group.

Eventually I found myself and became the full fledged nerd I was genetically programmed to be, but every now and then I like to think back to the “dirt bag stoner” part of my life. I listened to heavy metal music constantly and played a mean guitar in a shitty garage band (well, I wasn’t good enough to say that I played a “mean” guitar, perhaps “played a slightly grumpy guitar” would be more accurate).

I hated the pretty-boy glam rock bands that came out in the 80’s: Motley Crue, Ratt, Whitesnake, White lion, Poison, ad nauseum. My kinds of bands were groups that I could relate to: dirty, ugly and socially inept. I’m talking Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, AC/DC, etc. These were the kinds of dirtbags that society labeled (accurately) as losers who would never amount to anything in life and one day in their bleak adolescence they looked in the mirror and realized they were far too ugly to ever get laid and were destined to a life of loserdom unless they became rock musicians.

After high school my acne finally cleared up, I got a decent haircut, put on a clean shirt, found a personality, stopped saying words like "dude" and "killer" and finally started to get laid on a regular basis. But during high school Beavis and Butthead type dirt bags were my people and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for them. Though my musical tastes have broadened since then, I still like bands centered on aggressive guitars.

So, without further ado, I’d like to pay homage to my favorite bands of the past: the ugly heavy metal bands.

Iron Maiden
Oh, dey ugly all right. I like how their blonde guitarist has that “moon face” look that marijuana abusers seem to develop. Iron Maiden brought on fast, heavy and fierce music that was ideal to bang your head to while holding the “devil horns” sign aloft in a satanic salute. They also had the “Eddie” mascot with its evil and grotesque appearance that dirt-bags are proud to display on dirty T-shirts hanging on their skinny, malnourished torsos. Oh yeah, good memories of kicking around the old hackey-sack in the park with other long-haired greasy losers while Flight of Icarus and Number of the Beast blasted away.
Peace of Mind was their best. Number of the Beast was great too (ooh they are so eeeevil!). They started to lose it in Powerslave and have since refused to die despite putting out crap.


One thing you will notice about heavy metal bands is that they do not know when to quit. I think it is because they just don’t have the brains to do anything else. Have you ever heard of a former heavy metal star going on to become a successful businessman, producer, or anything? Nah. They most likely bum around in bars until they run out of beer and cigarette money and then get “the band” back together and go on a reunion tour of small, dirty bars and State Fairs.

Black Sabbath
I was totally into Black Sabbath, even though they had already peaked and were headed towards a slow and humiliating death (are they still putting out CDs?) years before my dirt-bag days began (Ozzy had already gone solo and they were with Ronnie James Dio; hands down ugliest vocalist in the history of heavy metal). I didn’t care though. I listened to their old albums over and over and over again (all their albums with Ozzy are good, except for that "experimental" Technical Ecstasy disaster). Black Sabbath had everything us socially-retarded and confused dirt-bags loved: songs of morbid depression, a touch of satanic mystery (though, to Ozzy Osbourne’s credit, he never did take any of that seriously), and that Heavy as God’s Dick sound that physically forced you to bang your head to the pounding rhythm. I proudly wore their satanic T-shirts, hoping that some popular and religious preppy girl who would otherwise completely ignore my existence might notice me and fear that I was involved in the occult (negative attention beats the hell out of being completely ignored).
I like Ozzy, but not so much his music for the past 10 years. Nonetheless, he is truly the Elvis Presley of Heavy Metal.
The ugliest heavy metal album cover of all time.
What the hell were they thinking?

Blue Oyster Cult
They really were more of a rock band than a heavy metal band. Some of their songs were simply “gay” (not homosexual gay, the "just not cool" gay), like “Debbie Denise” from the Agents of Fortune album and “Celeste the Queen” from the same album as “Godzilla” (can’t remember the album name). The genius of BOC though, was to give themselves a Satanic image that all of us anti-social teenage dirt-bags fell for.
All their old stuff is good, but they peaked with Fire of Unknown Origin. They then put out a live album to suck up the money while they were on top and didn’t have a hit single since. They did put out some good stuff later (Club Ninja, and especially the Imaginos album written almost exclusively by their drummer), but their time in the spotlight was long past.


Now these guys were good and ugly. Check out the guy in the white T-shirt next to Angus Young; how much you want to bet that AC/DC's road crew got more groupy pussy than him? They were more blues-rock than heavy metal I’d say, but rock they did. I saw these guys in concert twice and those were two of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Angus Young in his silly schoolboy outfit bouncing around the stage had contagious energy. Bon Scott was their better vocalist, not in singing talent (which is not really a requirement for heavy metal dirt-bag bands anyway), but just in charisma and style. He died the way all dirt-bag heavy metal/rock stars should die, by getting insanely drunk and choking to death on his own vomit.

Judas Priest
Judas Priest brought in the idea of having not just one but two lead guitarists, complete with speedy harmonized “killer” solos that brought out the air guitarist in many a dirt-bag stoner. Strangely enough, the lead singer, Rob Halford, was known to be gay (totally into the gay biker look) but the usually homophobic stoners let it pass. Halford was arguably the best of the heavy metal singers (though Dio had quite a powerful range as well). All the old stuff is classic up through Defenders of the Faith.


The last and in some ways the best of the ugly heavy metal groups. Look at their greasy hair and acne scarred faces: faces even a mother has a hard time loving. And how about old Cliff over on the left; even the drunkest and skankiest of drunk skanky chicks wouldn't go near that guy at a kegger. A perfect match of the ugly stoner kids who idolized them. They freshened up the heavy metal sound by adding elements of punk and hard core. They remind me a lot of young Black Sabbath: loser kids from broken families without any musical training that somehow stumbled on to a new sound that influenced a whole generation.
Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets are their best. Justice for All falls into a rut, but the “black” album was solid. They experimented with some new sounds since and obviously their one-trick pony has long since keeled over, but every now and then they still put out some decent music (No-leaf clover from that silly “symphony” CD and the Unnamed Feeling from their latest effort).

And the rest
Honorable mentions to Scorpions, Deep Purple (dude, do you know what "smoke on the water" means?) Aerosmith (old, not the new), Nazareth (killer album covers dude!), Accept (Udo!!!), Def Leppard (2 armed drummer version), Van Halen (Roth, never Hagar) and Ted Nugent. They were all good and certainly ugly, but just miss being put in into the Ugly Heavy Metal Guys Hall of Fame.

And what about the Mighty Led Zepplin? I excluded Led Zeppelin from this tribute not because I didn’t like them (every true dirt-bag stoner worshipped them), but because they actually had a higher level of true musical talent than my typical beloved “dirt-bag” group. The range and depth of their music was impressive and, despite the “heavy metal” label, I would put their songs up against anyone. And besides, Page and Plant really didn't get that ugly until they hit middle age. Sorry, but I've got to maintain a high standard of criteria here.

Ugly Heavy Metal Guys: We Salute You!!!

Comments on original post

Great post! Memories. check out my blog for more comments.

Posted by: Jeff in Korea | May 06, 2004 at 10:03 AM

Thanks for the trip down memory lane, PP.

Iron Maiden was the shit and still is. I still put on some of their songs from time to time. I saw them live on the Somewhere in Time tour in 88 or so. An amazing group!

I also liked Ratt and Dokken (saw them both live as well). Accept was great.

And I still remember the moment when I was sitting on the bus to go home and a buddy of mine slipped a pink tape through the bus window that had a dub of Ride the Lightning. Changed my life. I started listening to heavier stuff at that point...


Posted by: Brian | May 06, 2004 at 02:26 PM

Thanks Jeff, I left a message on your blog (how could I have forgotten to include Rush? Will my dirtbag Canadian friends ever forgive me?)

Brian, I must confess that I owned both Ratt and Dokken albums, but those guys were nowhere near ugly enough to meet the stereotypical standards. By the way, it was just one listening of my older brother's "Sold Our Soul for Rock and Roll" Black Sabbath album that changed me for life.

Posted by: Scott | May 07, 2004 at 06:48 PM

Killer blog, dude! ;-)

Seriously, that was a wonderful trip down memory lane. I think I have seen nearly all of these bands live sometime or another, but I can't be entirely sure due to my many altered states of conciousness at the time...

To answer your question "What the hell were they thinking?" in reference to the Black Sabbath "Paranoid" album cover art, I quote the following from ...

Hmm… we have a guy in white with a neon sword and shield. Everything seems to be dark except the person himself. War Pigs was originally to be the name of the album, but the producers changed it to Paranoid.

To quote Ozzy (taken from the CD inset of REUNION): " 'That album title had nothing to do with the sleeve. What the fuck a bloke dressed as a pig with a sword has got to do with being Paranoid, I don't know, but they decided to change the album title without changing the artwork,' moans Ozzy."

Posted by: b1g | May 24, 2004 at 02:37 PM

Thanks for the info b1. That pig get-up doesn't come out that clearly. Certainly makes a lot of sense.

Posted by: Scott | May 28, 2004 at 04:56 AM

Monday, May 3, 2004

Brumbaugh: Korea Killer


Cliff Brumbaugh plays for the Hyundae Unicorns. He's one of our own making it big in Korea, having already smacked out 8 homeruns, nearly twice what Lee Seung Yeop has done so far in Japan! So why don't Americans make a big deal out of Brumbaugh like Koreans do when one of theirs makes it big abroad?

Now, Sports papers in the US are rather amateur when it comes to splashy headlines that capture our true patriotic spirit. In order to help them out, I've suggested a few headlines here.

Lee Seung-Who? Brumbaugh on HR Record Shattering Pace!!!

Brumbaugh: Korea Killer!!

Move Over Lee Seung Yeop! Brumbaugh is the New King of Korea!!

Brumbaugh Konquers Korea!!

Now wouldn't it make you feel proud to be an American if you could see headlines like that every morning?