Monday, August 30, 2004

Oh My Dog

I was in Suwon the other day (Youngtong area, behind Home Plus) and I noticed a new coffee shop called “Coffee and Puppy.”

Finally, a place to relax and enjoy a good cup of coffee with a nice side order of puppy

Now a lot of ex-pats think they are tough because they have tried dog, but only a REAL man could slarf down a little puppy without a flicker of remorse.

So I was reminded of my old “Dog Post” on my old site and decided to put it up here. A few updates and additions included.


I was preparing to squeeze out a big stinky blog on Koreans eating dogs and I stumbled on some interesting websites. After looking at them, I decided to put the dog meat on the back burner, so to speak, and do some pooping on pet owners.

First site: (no relation, thank God, to my beloved blog).

It’s a collection of recipes for pet dogs. These are people who actually take valuable time out of their day to cook for their dogs. Here’s an example of a typical recipe.

Divine Doggy Dinner

1/2 lb. ground beef (OR turkey, chicken, lamb)
1/4 cup cooked rice
one small potato
1/2 carrot
1/4 cup greenbeans (about 5-8 beans)
1/4 tsp. garlic powder

Brown the meat in a pan. When completely cooked, drain the fat. Add the cooked rice; mix well. Set aside.
Cut the potato, carrot, and beans into small bite-sized pieces. Place in a pot with water; bring to a boil. Simmer until veggies are tender (about 15-20 minutes). Drain. Add the vegetables to the meat mixture. Add garlic powder; toss thoroughly under low heat. Let the dinner cool thoroughly before serving to prevent burning.
Yield: about 2 dinners

Ok, now I like dogs, but what kind of person goes through this kind of effort for an animal that is just as happy eating the poo of other dogs? Dogs are not (or at least, should not be) picky eaters. Road kill, rotting leftovers, grass, you name it; they’ll eat it. Any psychologists out there who can tell us what deep-seated needs are/were not satisfied in the pathetic lives of these people?

I submitted a dog recipe of my own that my old dog Petey always loved. Here is what I sent:

Petey’s Poop O’ Pleasure

 crusty tuna casserole leftovers (left in the fridge for no less than 7 weeks)
 5 ounces of partially dried poodle poop (can be dry on the outside, but make sure the inside is still moist for best results)
 4-5 discolored frootloops that rolled behind your refrigerator God knows when
 spoiled milk (skin optional)
 Dead bird carcass
 Paprika

Dump the casserole, poodle poo and dead bird carcass (you may wish to prep the bird by holding it in your teeth and shaking it violently) in a bowl. Pour sour milk and mix, allowing frootloops to float to the top. Add paprika to taste.

“Bone” appetite!

I was disappointed to see that it wasn’t automatically put on the site. Damn. Well, at least I can hope for an angry reply letter [never happened]

Site #2
Cook Dog Cook

No, it’s not the kind of site you hope it is judging by the title. Actually, I don’t know what the hell kind of site it is. I don’t read Japanese, which is a shame, since I have a feeling it is pretty silly. Anyway, I like the blitzed dog in the orange apron. It’s brought to you by someone named “jerky.” I used to know a kid whose nickname was “jerky," but that's subject matter for a different post.

And the winner for the most pathetic dog related website is…

Dog Chefs of America
“Dog chefs of America challenge you to become the chef your dog thinks you are!”

This site is dedicated to teaching people how to become chefs for their dogs. Since I first posted on this, Micki, the site owner, has completely changed her site and the quotes I have below are no longer there. Thank God they are saved for posterity by moi.

She has glowing reviews from such major publications as “Tuscon Weekly,” and “the Arizona Daily Star.” Well Miki, here’s one more glowing review from Party Pooper.

Your welcome

Meet Micki and Yogi.


In case you are wondering which one is Miki and which one is Yogi, I’ll give you a hint. Miki is the one with an IQ of 40 and Yogi is the one who can lick his own balls.

Wait a minute, I’m getting one of my psychic readings again. Ok, Miki, let me know if this is right. You never married and have no children. You are very lonely, yet have difficulty in sustaining relationships with other humans. You also were a huge fan of the Kathy and Regis show

How did I do?

Here’s a great quote from the site [no longer there]

“Yogi's food was home cooked from the day he came to live with us. With the discovery of his seizures, his diet was changed slightly and meals were stretched out throughout the day. He was also switched from Phenol Barbital to a homeopathic remedy given to him by a holistic vet.”

Ah, a holistic vet. Very wise of you Miki. I too believe that medical practices based on science and all that comes with it (rational thought, accountability, the need to provide objective evidence for health claims, etc.) are highly overrated. Whatever astronomical rate you are paying that quack, er.. I mean doctor, I’m sure it is well worth it.

Wait! Here’s more!

“Yogi and I worked together on what food would work for his body and his metabolism. To this day, Yogi will tell me if he's having "one of those days", because he'll chase my cats. If it's a real bad day, he'll chase one cat in particular. On his good days, he leaves them alone. With that information, we use food that will help him calm down - turkey and butter with honey. Yogi takes his "medicine" with gusto, seeming to know that this will help him. Soon after he savors his snacks, he's back to his normal self.”

I love that. Yogi seems to just know intuitively that his “medicine” is good for him. Lady, Yogi doesn’t chase your cats because he is “sick.” He chases your cats because they are delicious furry balls of meat. As a matter of fact, he’s probably learned by now that anytime he wants a little turkey snack, all he has to do is start chasing around one of your cats. Sucks to be stupider than your dog, don’t it?

Also note that she says “cats.” We are only left to wonder just how many cats Miki needs to feel that void in her life that all “cat ladies” seem to have.

New Feature: Dog Park!!

"From dawn to dusk folks are free to use this facility and by permission, host obedience training classes, dog “parties”, or just romp."

This is a new feature of her business “Headquarters” located somewhere south of Buttfuck Arizona.

Some questions:
What the hell is a “dog party”? Do they get to wear party hats? Is it socially inappropriate to lick oneself at a dog party? It sure would be at a “human party” (though we would all be secretly impressed). And at what point does a dog party become a romp? Do Arizona laws allow humans to join in on dog romps? Can we at least watch?

Unless I’m missing something, “Dog park” is just a barren fenced field. Wahoo. Judging from the background in the picture, Micki’s “Headquarters” are in the middle of a desert. Last I checked, no one really gave a shit if you let your dog run around loose in barren wastelands. I’m not sure what the real “service” of this park is.

In the spirit of wacky fun, I pretended to be an owner of a Korean dog meat restaurant and sent her an email. Here’s a copy of the text message.

Dear Miki,
We read with great interests your site on dog cooking. We here in Korea also loves dogs very, very, very much and dogs and the cooking are important for us. I am owner of restaurant chain that serves dogs so I think we have this common interests. I don’t reading English well, so I don’t order your books but I am sure your dog recipies are very good. Maybe someday I can share to you some of ours?

Anyway, I write to you for asking a special request. We love your cute dog aprons and we are wanting to bulk order them for all of our cooks in our restaurant chain. Is there any discount for bulk ordering?

Thank you very much and if you can come to Korea someday we will fix you very special dinner in our restaurant free of charge.

Mr. Yoo, Chi Hae

PS Your dog looks so lovely and good. If you ever have need to not have the dog and you want to find it a new home, I am hoping you contact us and we can take care of that big dog for you.

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