Hwang Woo Suck: Fish in a Barrel

[Note, those who found Oranckay's new banner to be a bit mean might just want to skip this post. I've been holding this in for about a month and now that I finally have time to excrete it, I can't say it smells none to pretty.]

Korea is always hungry for world attention (something both North and South Korea have in common) and thanks to Professor Hwang, they got it in spades. Jeff has perhaps the best summary of the whole scandal (I'll have to put myself on the Korean Gaywatch for this comment, but Jeff, that's one damn fine voice you've got there,  big guy. If Sillysally wasn't obsessed with you enough before, I'm sure your audio-blogs will put her over the edge).

What I find most interesting about the whole scandal is just how deliciously slimey Hwang has been to the bitter end (I won't give away the final act, but the scene takes place at the Han River). At every turn Hwang has looked the Korean people right in the eyes and lied his ass off. Even now he still rants about being the victim of a "long planned conspiracy."

"I definitely have the source technology to produce tailored embryonic
stem cells," Hwang was quoted as saying in Beopbo. "I can replicate the
process any time."

He repeated his claim that the laboratory samples found to have
been falsified must have been switched and that a state prosecutor's
investigation into the claims of a sample swap would reveal the truth
"within a couple of days."

Ah yes. He can "replicate the process anytime" but doesn't because..., uh...  Hmm.

Let me get back to you on that one.

I think our dear Hwang has gotten so used to lying he's become delusional, but who knows? Maybe he has been the victim of a great conspiracy. Sure, that's it. Somebody switched the real samples for the simple and obvious reason that...uh...well, um..

Ok, I've got it now! You see, clearly by switching the samples someone could...uh...well...

Damn, stumped again. The world of science is indeed quite perplexin', ain't it?

 

Here's a picture of the good doctor Hwang doing his best scheming Montgomery Burn's impression as he thinks up other fraudulent claims he can make to keep the money ($40 million to date and worth every penny!) pouring in from the Korean government.

Excellent....

About 50% of Koreans want to give Hwang another try, and I say why the hell the not? It's been damn good entertainment and it saddens me to think it might end so soon. Be sure to check out the comments after the article.

Here are my favorite highlights of the Hwang drama.

The lies started when he claimed he didn't know that members from his own research team 'volunteered' their own eggs. He kept this lie up for about a year until he finally had to confess it. Even then, though, he claimed that he found out after the fact when the two female researchers told him about it. Yeah. Sure.

Here's Hwang playing the 'victim card' like a pro. Back when MBC was first questioning his work, our poor little guy got sick from the stress and was unable to continue his work. Now, some may say he really was sick because he knew the gig was up, but I don't think so. If that had been the case, no cameras would have been let into the room to dramatize the scene. It was as staged as they come in a desperate bid to win sympathy and rage from the Korean public to shut down the meddling kids at MBC. And it almost worked if only those around him were as devoid of conscience as he seems to be.

Yup, lots of stuff posted by Netizens that is coming back to haunt them hard now. Here's a particular goodie portraying PD Notebook producer as the devil persecuting the poor Professor Hwang who only wanted to cure the sick and make the paralyzed walk again.

Uh, yeah, thanks a lot there Jesus. I've got you right after Christian Scientists and Benny Hinn on my list of people to see if I ever have a spinal cord injury.

Of course, Big Nose Schatten is in the background running off now that he has stolen Hwang's core technology. F*cking USA!

Cheer up Professor Hwang!

The Adventures of Doctor Hwang and the Fantastic Hub of Super Fun-time Power Cutey Kids!

Wonder Chopstick Powers Activate!   

Why not? It's all just fantasy anyway!

Playing the nationalism card.
Here's a picture from an article on how Korea's superior chopstick skills led to Hwang's great 'breakthroughs.' That Hwang not only lied about the research, but then had the balls to attribute their fake findings to the great Korean work ethic and chopstick heritage is just icing on the Hwang Shitcake. Given just a little more time, I'm sure Hwang could have found a way to link kimchi to their great success as well (but don't get me started on all the bullshit research on that topic...)

Hwang's nationalistic babble and Korea's intense need to feel good about itself  led to a host of books about Hwang, particularly aimed at children. Here's one of the better titles (see Occidentalism for more, including the infamous "Hey Children, Let's Learn from the Success of Doctor Hwang!"). Note how America is placed in the background with Hwang symbolically leading people away to the East. Tangun only knows how many hours of  racial-superiority propaganda Korean teachers got out of this before Hwang fell on his pompous ass.

 

Before and after.

This is perhaps the saddest picture of the lot (though a picture of a weeping Korean child dumping the above book in a trash can would probably beat it).

Wait, I take that back. These are far worse.

Arise and walk, my son!

Handicapped people visiting the World Hub of Stem Cell research.

Here's Hwang and Korean singer Kang Won-rae who was paralyzed in a motorcylce accident several years ago (ironically from a music group called 'Clone').

From an article on Kang and Hwang (hey, that rhymes!).

Hwang publicly said last year he was moved by a letter Kang had written
asking for help so he could walk again, and has said his research
results would help patients like Kang. "That Hwang's research gave
patients like us even a fraction of hope is a great joy,” Kang said. “I
hope the research goes without snags."

 

Ouch.

Ain't Hwang grand? He knew his research was bogus, but still had the
nerve to meet and ham it up with paralyzed patients who looked to him
for hope. Quite a piece of work this guy, eh? I guess once you've stooped this low, doing something like bribing your subordinates to keep quiet isn't such a stretch. (a good question for our esteemed doctor: If you really did conduct the research successfully and you are a victim of a conspiracy, exactly why is it that you gave that kind of money to keep people quiet?)

To truly appreciate what Hwang has done, we need to step back and imagine all the time and energy that went into this scam. This is not your run of the mill bad study that fudges with the statistics a bit to get the desired results. This was a long-planned fraud that required countless hours of writing up imaginary results and getting who knows how many people to play along. I imagine this whole mess started at a meeting a year or two ago that went something like this:

Hwang: So people, we've blown 40 million US bucks on this research and we don't have much to show for it. What are we going to do?

Researcher Kim: (jokingly), Well, we could just fake some research to keep the money coming in and hope that things work out later.

[the researchers then have a good chuckle, followed by period of meaningful, thoughtful silence, then furtive glances at the faces of their colleagues. Hwang then thanks the staff for the very 'productive' brainstorming session, and begins his trip to the dark side...]

 

The happy family and their dogs

I wonder what will happen to the dog if it turns out he wasn't cloned. If I had a little mad money, I'd buy it and make 'Snuppy' the official mascot of me bloog. I'd take him (her?) for walks around the SNU campus and make sure I snap some good pictures of Snuppy pissing on the wall of the 'World Stem Cell Hub' building. I imagine Marmot would try to buy him off me just to find out what a faked cloned dog tastes like, but I would kindly (yet firmly) decline.

Schatten: Do you think they're all really going to buy this?

Hwang: Just keep smiling whiteboy, we're money.

Is it just me? Or does Schatten seem just as slimey as Hwang? At the very least, he has a bad habit of talking out of his ass. Here's a great quote from Schatten back in the good ol' days:

"There is full transparency, full openness and no ambiguity," said
Gerald Schatten, a stem-cell researcher at the University of Pittsburgh
who collaborated with the Korean researchers.

God, what a moron.

 

The wrong stuff

Our good friend Hwang was certainly not camera shy and played the media
to the hilt, never hesitating to let photographers enter the lab and
take some shots of him and his mighty crew in action. It's amazing how
much free time you have for this kind of thing when you just fake your work!

Hey, look at me working!

Yessir, 365 days a year they worked in that lab, Hwang once boasted. That sounded fairly impressive way back when, but quite pathetic now when it turns out they hadn't done much but pose for pictures and lie during all that time.

Here's a happy fun interview with Hwang before the scandal broke out.
Some choice tidbits.

"The stem cell researchers who've looked at the results are unable to
suppress their excitement,” he says. “Scientists who screened the
article I submitted to the journal Science are calling it a 'stem cell
tsunami.'"

[Oh yeah, it turned out to be tsunami all right, with all the destruction that comes with it. Sure were happy with yourself way back then Hwangy boy, weren't ya?]

- You've managed to come up with outstanding research results in the
short time since you restarted embryonic cloning in October.

"That's because I completed all the preparations before starting.
Because we'd built up a lot of experience through prior research, we
were able to reduce the amount of trial and error."

Oh yeah, that and the fact that the whole thing was bullshit. I guess you can get a lot of  research done when you don't have to go through the formalities of actually doing anything. Even the fake photos were just recycled from previous published studies (talk about getting lazy...)

 

Now Hwang's previous research of the past 10 years is being put to the test. I say why stop there? Hwang would not be the first Korean to cheat and plagiarize his way through college. Sounds a little harsh, I know, but just ask anyone who teaches in a university about the average Korean student's views and practices on 'cunning' (Konglish for cheating). Frauds of this magnitude just don't come out of the blue, I'm sure he had his training somewhere.

Though most of the Korean public is no longer fooled by Hwang, he still has his loyal followers. Just last New Year's Eve they had another candlelight rally for Hwang, which I found very appropriate as it has sort of a funeral  feel to it.

They knew it was Hwang, but it felt so  right!

Some other random notes

Baduk was right along and I hereby proclaim him a Prophet of God.  I
encourage all bloggers and commenters to stop disagreeing with Him from
now on and just accept all that He says without question. If you disagree, I'm sure
he'll be willing to write a 5,000+ word response to show you are wrong.

The word of 2005 is NOT hub

I'm not really the type to defend the 'purity' of the English language, but I really think Korea should no longer be allowed to use the word 'hub' for any further bullshit ambitious projects. If this keeps up, 'hub' will become synonymous with 'nationalistic pipe-dream' or 'cesspool.'

Good on Korea

As much fun as it is see someone like Hwang and the uber-nationalist clones who followed him fall on their collective asses on the world stage (come on, admit it everyone, hasn't this been a great ride?), it should be pointed out that the uncovering of this deceit was done purely within Korea, despite intense public pressure not to say a single bad word about Emperor Hwang and his invisible clothes.

Props to MBC for choosing the truth over nationalistic pride. In the long run, that is what true patriotism is all about. Props to Roh Sung-il for coming clean despite the pressure and cost to his own career. The picture on the left is of a person who knows he fucked up and is trying to make things right. Hwang seems beyond redemption.

No props for Kim Seon-jong for confessing the fraud when he thought that the gig was already up, but then reversing his story when pimp-daddy Hwang gave him $30,000 in hush money. Your career is over, dude, should have kept the money and opened up a quickie-mart in Seoul.

What, me worry?

Anyway, I would like to end on a positive note and proclaim that I am 300% sure that Hwang will overcome these trials and go on to lead Korea to a brilliant future.

Keep the faith, brother!

Comments on original post



They knew it was Hwang, but it felt so right!

Best quote of 2006 for me right there. Sure it's only been 2 days.

Posted by: Joel | January 02, 2006 at 08:38 AM

hehehe. great post. you could make this the Miss Korea of all blogs if you would only post more frequently.

Posted by: Paul | January 03, 2006 at 07:09 AM

Brilliant...simply brilliant.

Posted by: Nomad | January 03, 2006 at 05:16 PM

Great stuff...look forward to more in the Year of the (Not Cloned) Dog.

Posted by: Giant Panda | January 03, 2006 at 05:53 PM

Great post....and yes, it's nice to see Schatten properly fisked too, there is something snake-oilish about that guy. I remember when he came to Korea 2 weeks agao, at the press conference he was asked in perfect English by a reporter "So is this a fraud, and what do you know about it?" and he started this ridiculous baby-talk English "I JUST CAME OVER ON A PLANE, YOU SEE? ON A PLAAAANE. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING. NOT WOOOORKING. IT'S JETLAG. (circling motion around his ear) BRAIN NOT WORKING".

Yeah, if you're done with the goo-goo English could you answer the damn question please? Perhaps in syntax and diction that reflects, oh, your job of professor?

God, what a moron.

Posted by: Hugh | January 03, 2006 at 06:18 PM

I particularly like the props to Baduk for his prescience...that was priceless.

Great post...you have been added to my blogmarks...great stuff

Posted by: dg611 | January 03, 2006 at 06:19 PM

i have to disagree with your comment that the word 'hub' is being overused, its just being used in thre wrong situations. some appropriate uses would be: Hub of academic fraud, hub of men wearing make-up, hub of media inaccuracy (although this would prob be NK, as bad as SK is), hub of bad driving, and i'm sure there are plenty more.

Posted by: rowan | January 03, 2006 at 06:35 PM

Outstanding.

If loving you is Hwang... I don't wanna be right...

Posted by: gar | January 04, 2006 at 01:11 AM

Excellent job of fisking the whole business and reminding us of all that was said and done.

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

Posted by: Horace Jeffery Hodges | January 04, 2006 at 01:16 AM

Good stuff.. but it was not just Koreans who brought him down. Lots of people from the NYT and Nature were asking questions, but all the people were stonwalling.

Posted by: LordBeaverton | January 04, 2006 at 02:51 AM

Nice post. At first I has trouble getting my head around the issue because I couldnt see the big deal about one scientist committing fraud. But when I realised the nationalist implications, I could see something was up. Nationalism and science dont mix.

Posted by: Matt | January 04, 2006 at 03:12 AM

Jeez, Jeff in Korea does have a good voice for audio blogging! Does he have a media background?

Posted by: Matt | January 04, 2006 at 03:14 AM

Geee... Thanks Poop and Matt. Five years as a radio DJ/announcer/host before taking up the Law in order to be able to afford a few more luxury items...such as food and shelter.

Posted by: Jeff in Korea | January 04, 2006 at 08:49 PM

Great post and I have to agree with Matt that it certainly helped to clarify things in a kind of way. Now perhaps you could enlighten us on the George Bush school of fabrication although I would guess we'd need a larger bandwidth. At least Hwang didn't take too many lives in the process of his bullshit (should it be proven to be the case etc etc) unlike some ................

Posted by: Leone | January 07, 2006 at 02:52 AM

but but Bushie, he lie, migook bad, wah wah wah

so Hwang is not as bad...Korean logic at its finest

Posted by: Giant Panda | January 07, 2006 at 06:59 PM

December Dokdo Post

By Korean law, I have to post something about Dokdo every month and proclaim my belief, nay, unquestionable knowledge that those rocks do indeed belong to Korea.

Here is a picture I swiped from the Kushibo site which I find appropriate for the occasion.

By the way,I wouldn't know about this kind of thing, but I hear that if a foreigner wears a "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" T-shirt, he has to fight off the women with a stick.

Unfortunately, these kind of women usually look like this (you might want to keep that stick handy). These dainty little lasses are protesting the statue of Macarthur, that Yankee bastard who prevented the Koreas from unifying under the divine lordship of Kim Il-sun. I'm sure they have enough hate and loathing in their hearts for Dokdo protests as well.

Contrast, if you will, with the LINK dancers; activists who are protesting for something actually worthwhile (human rights for North Koreans).

I'll leave you all to draw your own conclusions.

2006 World Cup Draw

The World Cup draw was announced early this morning (Korea time).

The States finds itself in the same bracket with Italy, Ghana, and the Czech Republic. Korea will be going against France, Switzerland, and a mystical land called Togo (which I believe is next to Narnia).

Knowing as much about soccer as the next American does (read: almost nothing), I'll follow the sage advice of the bookies and  boldly claim that neither America nor Korea stand much of a chance of getting past the first round.

America will be thrashed by the obnoxious but good-looking Italians and will lose a close one to the obnoxious and less good-looking Czechs. They will get a measure of revenge against Ghana, but will still only win by one goal as it will take a while before they realize that black athletes outside the US tend to suck.

Korea will be thrashed by France to the delight of all Southern Europeans who want payback for World Cup 2002 'irregularities' in officiating. The Koreans will also fall to the peace-mongering Swiss, whom they played recently in Korea (it doesn't bode well if you only draw with a team in a 'must win' friendly game held on your home turf, IMHO). However, those Togons (Togoese? Togots? Togotons?) are going down hard!

Fearless Prediction:

Italy wins the World Cup!

I see Brazil falling to Italy in the final game. Brazil chokes when they play the big games in Europe (they got blanked by the French in 1998, for hell's sake). England chokes in the big games regardless of where they play. Germany is capable of choking on their home field (I'm going all the way back to the Munich Olympics on this one, so take that with a grain or two of salt), Argentina is, well, Argentina, and God is still punishing the French for being opposed to the Iraq war.

Wait a minute. On second thought, I'm going with France to take it all.

Fearless Prediction 2: Japan, who finds itself in the same division with Brazil, Croatia and Australia, will be outscored in their division 12 to 1 (the one goal coming from a ball accidently deflecting off an Australian defender's head into the the net).

Fearless Prediction #3: England will surpass the expectations of even the greatest cynics by drawing with Trinidad and Togago. Beckham will particularly suck in that game.

Fearless Prediction #4: Ronaldo will keep his World Cup streak alive as the ugliest player on the field.

Speaking of his Royally Ugly One, here are a few pictures to remind us that soccer is not a real sport played by real men.

Click to see them in all their fruity splendor!

The odds:

11-4 Brazil
13-2 England
7-1 Germany
8-1 Argentina, Italy
10-1 France
12-1 Spain
14-1 Netherland
18-1 Portugal
20-1 Czech Republic
28-1 Sweden
40-1 Mexico
50-1 Croatia, Ukraine
66-1 Ivory Coast, Poland
80-1 Switzerland
100-1 Serbia&Montenegro, U.S.
125-1 Australia, Ecuador
150-1 Japan, Paraguay
250-1 Ghana
300-1 South Korea, Tunisia
400-1 Angola, Togo
500-1 Costa Rica, Iran
750-1 Saudi Arabia
1,000 Trinidad&Tobago.

Protesting being denied a reason to protest

An article from the Chosun. 

Bereaved families of victims killed during a deadly rampage at a
front-line guard post, protest trial procedures in front of a martial
court in Yongin, Gyeonggi Province, saying that the trial was wrapped
up hastily, without doing anything to relieve people's distrust .
/Yonhap

And what grave injustice were these families of the slain protesting? Private Kim Dongmin was found guilty of premeditated murder and was sentenced to death. 

Meanwhile at the courthouse, bereaved families knocked chairs around
and yelled at the court in protest at the ruling, saying the military
had manipulated the case and the trial was wrapped up hastily.

Just can't please some people, I guess. That must have been a somewhat bizarre moment for the court when they realized the people throwing the tantrum were those that had the ruling go in their favor.

I know, it was a terrible trajedy and I shouldn't belittle them considering the immense pain and agony they must be going through, but isn't protesting a trial that went exactly the way you wanted it just a tad too much?

It's a Korean thing, I guess.

Anyway, the case will be appealed and in the end I'm sure Kim will just be sentenced to life, which is as it should be in my opinion. Let him spend the rest of his long life seeing if life in prison is a step up from serving 2 years in the military. Let him rot in prison long enough for his conscience to start gnawing at him once he's mature enough to see what he's done.

Secrets of the Korean Rich

An article I found through connectkorea (pretty much a dead site these days) a long time back. I started to write up a post, saved it half-finished as a draft, and then forget about it for a while. Fortunately for all of you who yearn to be rich without having to go through the usual route of actually working hard and coming up with an innovative thought, I found it and now here it is.

While expecting the usual 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' advice that we've grown accustomed to on this topic, I was delightfully surprised to find this 'research' was from one Dr. Moon Seung-yeol who exemplifies Korea's special brand of home-grown scholarly logic. 

Some of the more entertaining entries:

3. The wealthy live longer. They say the more money you have and the higher your position, the less stress you suffer and the longer you live. But research has shown that rather than absolute size of their fortune, people’s lifespan is determined by whether they have the confidence that they are better than the rest.

Research has shown you live longer if you are confident you are better than everyone else? Is this an explanation why Korea men have the lowest lifespan among developed countries?

Anyway, that's great news for me. As a typical white American male, I assume this means I will live to the age of 150.

And do the French EVER die?

4. The wealthy respect their partners as investment consultants and advisors, rather than merely as wives or husbands.

Perhaps, but I don't think this respect gets in the way of rich ajoshis dropping a few million won a night at a dallanjujum or banging their secretaries.

5. The rich have "wealthy lines." The faces of the rich are lined owing to the fact that they are always smiling, Dr. Moon observes, apparently fixed in a rictus of permanent glee at their own success.

Kind of makes you want to start hating rich people, don't it?

Is this for real? Do rich people really have more 'smiling wrinkles' that the average Joe? My feeling is that our good 'Dr.' is just making this shit up as he goes along.

8. The wealthy invest in their children's education. The ratio of incoming Seoul National University students who are the sons of wealthy white collar workers is growing by the day.

And the less-wealthy people in Korea do not give a damn about their childrens' education?

I would replace the words 'invest in' with the word 'buy'. The rich move to Kangnam to get their kids in the best schools, shell out a lot of money on private tutors and send their children abroad to master English to see to it that their spoiled kids stay above the unwashed masses. This 'secret of the rich' sounds more like a 'fuck you' to all families of lower incomes who can't afford to compete with the well-off.

9. Red is a symbol of wealth. The color denotes passion and strength and contains hope, says Moon.

And?

How exactly is this a 'secret' of rich people's success? Do rich people claim red as their favorite color? Do rich people wear red more often (assumedly not, as #7 on Moon's list states they wear 'understated clothing')? Do they always bet on red when playing roulette? What the hell is the point here?

11. The wealthy look south. Even in the most expensive locations like the Tower Palace in Seoul's Gangnam district, prices can differ by up to W600-700 million (about US$ 600,000-700,000) depending on the direction the apartment faces. The most expensive ones face south. Anyone who has lived in a north-facing apartment in the northern hemisphere knows why.

Ok, rich people pay more for houses/apartments that face south, thus getting more sunlight. What other shocking 'secrets' of rich people will Dr. Moon tell us about next? That they prefer BMWs to Ticos? They usually eat in expensive restaurants rather than Mcdonalds? They don't buy their Rolexes from some guy selling watches out of a suitcase by the subway station? They wipe their asses with pricey 2 ply toilet paper rather than bargain brands? 

Unless Dr. Moon is alluding to geomancy, I'm not sure of the relevance of this information.

12. The wealthy are born in mid-winter. Four out of ten of Korea's wealthy were born in winter according to the Gregorian calendar. This phenomenon holds true outside of Korea as well. 10 of the 40 self-made men selected by the business magazine Fortune were born between late December and late January.

Shocking. I thought they would all be born in the year of the Pig, in accordance with ancient Chinese superstition wisdom.

Interesting trivia though. A little note to the good doctor, however. Coincidences happen, especially with a low sample size. If I flipped a coin ten times, it is not out of the question for heads to come up 8 times out of 10 in one particular stretch. However, if I continue to flip that same coin a few hundred more times, soon we will see that our early 'finding' was wrong. Let some competent researchers who know what it means to conduct a study with true random sampling and appropriate sample size and I'm sure we'll find that this is bullshit.

I looked up the birth months of the top 10 richest men of all time and only one, Paul Allen, was born in December or January.  Warren Buffett was born in August, as was Lawrence J. Ellison and John Jacob Astor. Cornelius Vanderbilt was born in November, as was Andrew Carnegie. And the richest man in the history of the world, John D. Rockefeller, was born in July (the same birth month as this decidely unrich blog author).

Hmm, according to my 'research' it is better to be born in July or August. Could have fooled me.

By the way, though Donald Trump was born in June, a hairdresser capable
of taming that abomination on his head is still yet to be born.

 

Here's another example of this silly kind of research, suggesting that people who's surnames are on the first half of the alphabet are more likely to be rich (I can just see millions of Koreans named "Park" and "Seo" scrambling to change their names to "Choi" now).
  
Would you like to learn more about how to become rich? Dr. Moon is a 'consultant' who runs his own 'Rich School' program for morons   enterprising people who believe that such 'success' programs can actually do something (other than make the person running said program richer).

Someone please tell me that this entire article is not just a paid-for advertisement by the good Dr. Moon. That's one characteristic of wealth he did NOT mention: knowing the value of sleazy and shameless self-promotion.

Kimchi Folklore--Bird Flu Virus cure

Sales of kimchi and sauerkraut have reportedly spiked due to claims that kimchi can fight the Bird Flu virus.

An agriculture official at the Korean Embassy in Washington, Kim Jae-su, said despite growing concern over the hygiene and safety of kimchi in Korea following a recent parasite scare, many U.S. media reported the virtue of kimchi in treating bird flu, and sauerkraut manufacturers were trying to boost sales by riding on the coattails of that popularity.

The 'virtue' of kimchi in treating bird flu is based on ONE research study that the researchers themselves admitted was not conclusive. That was back in March and things have been fairly quiet since then, which seems more than a little odd. The only thing I found was this and this. (basically, a month ago they shipped off some special 'kimchi-feed' to an Indonesian zoo. Why wait for scientific verification before making a little money, eh?)

But even if no further research comes out to prove the theory, or even if research comes out that disproves the theory (though I doubt the Korean media would be bothered to report on it), the myth that kimchi cures yet another deadly disease will be etched onto the collective consciousness of the Korean people.

This lady's name just happens to be Adi Kimchi. She's a professor in a cancer research institute.

Hasn't anyone told her that to find the cure to cancer she has only to look to her surname? I mean, could God give her a bigger clue to solve the mystery of her chosen life's work?

I hear she actually smells rather pleasant, by the way.

Anyhoo, sauerkraut has the same bacteria strain that researchers extracted from kimchi for their research (conducted on sick chickens, by the way. I guess they couldn't get the chickens to eat kimchi in its normal, stinky state).

If this research actually pans out, which choice do you think the average westerner will choose?

A. Spicy cabbage that smells and tastes like it was left to rot in a jar for several months (because, well, it was) and leaves your breath with that sharp 'garlicious' tang that makes the ladies weak at the knees (and stomach)?

B. A product they are already familiar with that DOESN'T stink up the entire refrigerator, despite being placed in 5 separately sealed airtight containers?

The best thing about sauerkraut, of course, is that it is often encountered in the vacinity of a big piece of greasy meat and copious amounts of German beer.

--

More from the article:

“Last year, when kimchi drew attention for its efficacy in curing SARS, which hit Southeast Asia, the U.S. media took no interest,” Kim said.

The first clause of that sentence is 100% 황소똥. There never was a single study that even suggested kimchi could do anything for curing or preventing SARS. It was a complete fabrication of the Korean media (not the scientific community in Korea, save for a few people trying to pass themselves off as scientists) that I've already covered in detail here. If the U.S. media took no interest in that piece of uber-nationalistic folklore, well, then I guess it's nice to know that occasionally they can do something right.

This pic has no real relation to this post, other than the fact that I got it from a site called 'kimchiLand.org.

This is the only kind of Corean nationalism I am interested in seeing.

And if sketchings don't do it for you, how about a picture of a doll some girl named 'Kimchi Girl'? Kimchi girl is the one on the right, by the way. The other is Pattie.

She has taken the pics off of her blog. You'll have to type 'kimchi girl' into a search engine to find the rest of this fascinating collection.

--

But who am I to tell you kimchi doesn't cure and/or prevent everything from AIDS to the Black Death? Join the Faith and double up on your kimchi if you feel you must. Oh, and make sure it isn't any of that poisonous Chinese kimchi (especially the kind that comes from Korean companies that moved their plants over to China to take advantage of the more 'reasonable' wages and health standards the Chinese pride themselves on).

As for me, I'll stick with my own proven diet of Burger King Whoppers, galbi, 'Mexican' fried chicken and the occasional Krispykreme doughnut that has kept me free for 30+ years from AIDS, SARS, bird flu, and every other disease save the common cold and flu. Say what you will, but I've got just as much 'proof' that my diet fights every serious disease known to man as kimchi does for it.

Selected Comments from the original post

If I were the type to whack off to sketches, I'd definitely whack off to the sketch of the large-eyed Korean chick wearing a flag.

Then again, the fact that the flag has been drawn incorrectly is something of a turnoff. Take a look at the trigrams and the orientation of the t'ae-geuk in the middle. What sort of dumbass cartoon bitch wears a badly drawn Korean flag? I bet the artist was Japanese.

Meat unbeaten,

Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | November 12, 2005 at 08:02 AM

Now, Honourable Pooper, since when does something in Korea have to have one shard of proof in order to be believed by 100% of the population. If "Professor" Kim Mum-fuk said it, it was on TV and and it strokes Korean nationalism, it is Gospel, even it if makes Korea a laughing stock.

Probably the best example is "fan death." There was never a single Korean I have ever met that did not completely believe in it. I worked in Daegu for serveral years which is known for blast-furnace summers. A class of very smart seniors told me "be sure never to sleep with the fan on." I replied that that was pure poppy-cock and a gasp ensued. When I further informed them that I slept with the a/c on full blast a look of panic ensued. When I returned to work on Monday one student told me "I am surprised you lived through the weekend."

Posted by: kimchipig | November 12, 2005 at 10:28 AM

Kim Jae-su. Jae-su. That's another classic name. I am compiling a list of cruel Korean names to give my children if I ever have them.

Posted by: Joel | November 12, 2005 at 04:20 PM

Koreans and their kimchi. The national identity is completely tied up with the rotting cabbage. "No, we didn't invent physics, rock 'n roll, baseball, skyscrapers, logic, etc etc, but we do a mean stinky vegetable side dish!"

Posted by: Sharon Stoned | November 12, 2005 at 05:16 PM

Morning pooper! Just to let you know that my blog has moved due to being hacked by a couple of morons! Does anybody know the medicinal value of this blood sucking practise in Korea that leaves marks similar to giant love bites? Apparently the blood is bad and black in colour..........

Posted by: leone | November 12, 2005 at 06:59 PM

If the U.S. media took no interest in that piece of uber-nationalistic folklore, well, then I guess it's nice to know that occasionally they can do something right.

Priceless.

Posted by: Curzon | November 13, 2005 at 08:30 PM

the flag chick looks like lee hyo-ri, which equals the plainest looking "hot" girl in history.

Posted by: P. | November 14, 2005 at 06:44 AM

This doesn't have anything to do with kimchi, or it has everything to do with it, you decide:

http://www.davesdaily.com/pictures/317-peepee.htm

Posted by: Giant Panda | November 15, 2005 at 02:29 AM

KTU Sunshine

All photos and captions swiped from Korea Times, which, by the by, is now 17.4% less shitty since Lee Kyoung Hee stopped writing editorials (or whatever the hell you called what she did).

"This is a part of a controversial video posted on the Web site of the
Korean Teachers’ and Education Workers’ Union. The video criticizes the Asia-Pacific
Economic Cooperation (APEC) forum, the U.S.-led Iraq war, and the free
trade agreements."

It's nice to see that the good people at KTU are working hard to bring Korea into the world of globalization. I'm not sure exactly what the Iraq war has to do with free trade and APEC, but then I guess I wasn't properly educatified.

If you wonder where this fine group of educators gets their marching orders inspiration, check out this wonderful curriculum from other fine examples of teachers in Korea.

Now who says that Chung Dong Young should be criticized for protecting a patriotic regime like that?

"Members of a civic coalition, including a
students’ parents group, call on unionized teachers to accept a new
teacher evaluation system during a press conference in central Seoul,
Tuesday. The system will allow students and their parents to evaluate
teachers’ performance at 48 schools nationwide on a trial basis."
  /Yonhap

Naturally, the KTU is threatening to go on a mass strike to thwart this attempt to actually make them accountable for what they do in the classroom.

"However, the Ministry of Education and Human
Resources Development said that it will take strong action against any
attempt by the union to walk out during their working days to
participate in the demonstration."

Hmm, could 'strong action' possibly indicate a good beatin'? Please? Come on Roh, look how they ridicule your noble image. Doesn't that make you want to see some heads cracked open? At least just a few?

Where do these KTU people come from? Unless I am mistaken (and honestly, what are the odds of that happening?) most hail from Cholla province. Here's another guy who originally hails from Cholla (me thinks, I should probably look that up rather than just assume he hails from the same place as where his father is buried, but folks, this is just a fuckin blog and I ain't exactly paid by the hour here...)

What is this, you say? A Korean-American originally from Cholla province stabbing the good ol' USA in the back? Unpossible!

A little tip to US immigration officials: When considering whether or not to grant citizenship or a visa to a South Korean and you see the word "Cholla" anywhere on his* personal documents, just veto it right there and send him back to the "We Hate Everyone and We Don't Even Think Much of Ourselves!" demo he just recently came from.

*Yes, I intentionally use the male pronoun here. If the applicant is female, the authorities should follow standard protocol by only letting her into the country if she's hot.

Tick Tock

Like most people, I keep a list of the top 30 or so people in the world I would most like to see die a spectacularly gruesome death*.

For the past decade or so Kim Jong-il has been in the top three (he alternates with Bob Saget and Bill Keane, the writer of Family Circle).

I entered Jong-il's personal data on the death clock site and found out that about this time 9 years from now Kim Jong-il should leave his Worker's Paradise behind to join his father in another Paradise (not much different in many ways than how North Korea is now, I'm sure). 

The exact date the site gave me was Thursday, November 27th, 2014.

Now wouldn't that be a Thanksgiving to remember?

That date may be wrong though, as I'm unsure of his Body Mass Index. I know that he is a manly 5 foot 3 inches, but I couldn't find his body weight and just guessed. If anyone knows, please inform me and I'll reenter the numbers and adjust the above date if needed.

Humble Proposal

Once we have the exact date determined, I propose that the Kor-Blogger community hold an annual "Ding Dong the Dictator will soon be Dead" party to mark the upcoming Happy Day.

I further propose that this celebration be held in a pub in Seoul, since as we all know, anyone who is anyone already lives here (our 'provincial' blogger friends such as Nomad and Joel are certainly welcome to come as well, just as long as each of you promises to put on a clean shirt and try not to embarrass us by spitting, scratching yourselves, or doing any other act of uncivilized behavior you might have picked up from the locals).

It's the final scene, fat boy. Here's hoping you go out painfully and shamefully.

[Picture taken from Comedy Central's "Kim Jong-il Must Die." Anyone heard anything about this? Looks like a hoot.]

*Preferably caught on video, so I can download and edit them primarily by speeding them up and dubbing in cartoon sound effects at appropriate moments,
tastefully done, of course

Comments on original post


Comments

Sure, we can all meet at a pub, but I'll have to go Muslim and order a Coke.


Kevin
teetotaling asshole

Posted by: Kevin Kim | November 02, 2005 at 01:03 AM

Is it just coincidence that on the day this is posted your blog is blocked by my (south) Korean ISP ? (given that it was only for 5 odd hours I am guessing that it probably was :).

I'd have a beer to see young Kim kickin it with his old man.

Posted by: Hojuin | November 02, 2005 at 01:20 AM

Shirt? Who the hell wears shirts? It's bare feet and overalls or nothing. Oh...and did you say I had to come to Seoul for this? Do they still allow oxcarts on the highway?

And you better lay off the coffee - that's 2 posts within the last week.

Posted by: Nomad | November 02, 2005 at 09:58 PM

You should start a pool on the date - 10,000 won per?

Posted by: Richardson | November 03, 2005 at 05:54 AM

They need to start a companion website for women:

THE DEATH COCK

Enter your age, body stats, and weight to determine when, if ever, you will next be fucked.


Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | November 04, 2005 at 10:48 PM

If I can't touch my own junk under the guise of scratching then what's the fun in going out in public. I'd just as soon stay home with my sister and my goat.

On a side note I saw this article and thought of you:

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/eastasia/view/177041/1/.html

Well I didn't think about you, I thought about your gaywatch.

Posted by: Joel | November 05, 2005 at 12:05 AM

Masturbation, beastiality, incest, and homosexuality all in one comment - way to go, Joel!

Posted by: Nomad | November 05, 2005 at 12:41 AM

On behalf of us country folk everywhere. :)

Posted by: Joel | November 05, 2005 at 04:06 AM

I thought the Cunt Tree Folk were mythical! Day-yamn!


Kevin
life is like a box of chalk clits

Posted by: Kevin Kim | November 07, 2005 at 05:47 AM

Nomad, we don't allow oxcarts, but I'm sure you can find one of them country buses (you know, the kind that allows you to bring on chickens and as many pounds of vegetables and grains as you can carry on your head) to bring you to the big city.

Joel, the Gaywatch team has been notified. My regards to the goat.

And finally, Kevin, thanks as always for helping me making my blog such a classy joint. [see what happens when you deprive a young man of alcohol?]

Posted by: partypooper | November 07, 2005 at 05:09 PM

Completely ignorable post

Nothing worth reading here, people. Just move along...

Kim Hee Sun claims place among screen goddesses

Actress Kim Hee Sun, best known for her role in...well...some lame to
mediocre Korean movie or the other, has now joined the ranks of world
famous actresses such as Audrey Hepburn and even Audrey Hepburn. How did she secure such a lofty
place on the world stage? By having her picture taken by the same
photographer who once took pictures of Madonna, that's how. (Oh, and then having a
Korean newspaper claim that this actually should mean something) This
picture book, titled "Marvelously Kim Hee Sun," will soon hit store
bookshelves from Seoul to as far away as Busan and maybe even one or
two stores in Hong Kong. You can rush out to the nearest bookstore and buy it now, or just wait for it to show up half-price in the bargain bins in about 2 months.

Korea could cut troops in Iraq by a third!

...and no one would care!

Korean 'peace keeper' in Northern Iraq, keeping a vigilant watch of the entry to the base PC bang, safe within their compound protected by Kurdish soldiers.

Philosophical question: If Korea sent 3,000 troops to Iraq and nobody there even noticed, did it really happen?

Speaking of Iraq, a certain semi-retired Korblogger has left some messages here and there around the Korean blogosphere about the lack of coverage of US troop casuality numbers exceeding 2,000.

Well there you go again, KP, always looking at the negative side of things. How about acknowledging the bright side for a change?

For example:

Of those 2,000 killed, not one was the son or daughter of any politician who supported the Iraq war. This is a great improvement over previous wars in which politicians foolishly allowed their beloved children to put themselves in harm's way, just because they felt the war was a just cause.

Despite the government racking up a record deficit that will only get larger, thanks in big part to the Iraq liberation, no major US corporation has suffered any financial losses. In fact, several have even increased profits dramatically!

Speaking of the deficit, any day now all the money put into the Iraqi cause (see here for a running tally) will be paid back with interest by grateful Iraqis. Once the Shiites are firmly in control of Iraq then everything will be just fine. I'm sure they'll prove to be great friends of the US and Israel for generations to come, just like their tribal brothers from the country to their east. It's all good baby!

Now, considering the bright future that lies ahead of us, isn't this sacrifice of 2,000 young lives well worth it?

Comments on original post



Kim Hee Sun looks good in profile and with sunglasses... but she looks pretty rough when it's a full-frontal shot of her face. Freaky, bulgy eyes, just like mine.

My frog-visaged sister: the Face that Shot 2000 Troops.


Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim | October 29, 2005 at 08:40 AM

Kevin, leave it to you to come up with a better title for my post than I did. Anyway, peeling back the eyelids through plastic surgery does tend to give that frog-eye look. Once again I make my fervent plea to all South Korean females contemplating plastic surgery: leave the eyes alone and just do the boobs. Clearly, Hee Sun isn't listening.

Posted by: partypooper | October 29, 2005 at 09:09 AM

[b]Of those 2,000 killed, not one was the son or daughter of any politician who supported the Iraq war[b]


My point exactly. Perhaps I am negative but I cannot see much positive about what is happening in the middle east.

Posted by: kimchipig | October 29, 2005 at 09:53 AM

And by the way, Honourable Pooper, why do you hate America so much? Why are you so anti-American?

Posted by: kimchipig | October 29, 2005 at 09:57 AM

Since when does being realistic and cynical make one "anti-American?"

Posted by: Joel | October 30, 2005 at 05:03 AM

Isn't any concept or idea that differs from that of the Bush administration anti-American?

Posted by: kimchipig | October 30, 2005 at 09:40 AM

Two successful elections, the most recent - largely free of violence - included the participation of all those Sunnis the MSM declared wouldn't participate; a ratified constitution, despite the same media telling us agreement was impossible and civil war was imminent; and Saddam's in the dock standing trial for crimes against humanity - yeah, nothing to proud of there.

Posted by: David | October 30, 2005 at 12:00 PM

Look. Make the draft mandatory again and it will be a whole, different story.

If people have to die to prove their patriotism, they won't be so eager to support the war.

Look at Israel, South Korea, and Switzerland, three countries with compulsory military service.

How many wars have they started?

Posted by: A Yank Abroad | December 09, 2005 at 07:34 AM

Photo Fun: Fall 2005

In lieu of a post with actual content...

"We don't completely suck!"

Korean soccer team beats soccer powerhouse Iran 2-0 in friendly match.

1984 Forever

North Korea celebrates 60 years of Glorious Rule of Kim il Sun and his runty successor. Coincidently, 60 years is about how long we'll have wait for the Sunshine Policy to finally result in real changes in North. Patience my dear friends, patience.

G.O.D. is (finally) dead
Korean pop group sensation G.O.D. announces retirement.
And there was much rejoicing...

Hangeul Day organizers give away Hangeul T-shirts in exchange for English language T-shirts. [If I owned a single shirt with English on it, I would have been there myself. Wonder if anyone traded in a 'Be the Reds" T-shirt...]

Reason 217 not to fly with any Korean airline.

Korean airline flight attendants (presumably female)

Who let the dogs out?

Jeon Ji Hyeon at the premier of her latest movie (Daisy something or the other).
It's been five years since she's been in a movie that hasn't flopped miserably, leaving analysts to wonder just how long she can keep her career afloat based solely on the talent of her ass [I give it 3 more years]

Robbed.

On the left is the South Korean runner up in Miss Asia pageant, standing next to the 'winner.' I guess the cross-dressing drag queen look is in vogue these days.

Nerd Fight!

And you didn't think there was anything more boring to watch than a Taekwondo match...

Apparently the embodiment of evil himself Apollo Ono won some ice skating competition in South Korea.
Strange, but I couldn't find any photo of the competition in the major Korean media outlets other than this one...

Comments on original post

Comments

Jeon Ji Hyeon sure has a plush posterior...after this movies tanks maybe she'll do "hair nudes"--one can only hope...

Posted by: Brad Spit | October 17, 2005 at 01:26 AM

I have shirts with bad English and if I'd known I would surely have traded them in as well.

Posted by: EFL Geek | October 17, 2005 at 01:34 AM

How can God possibly die???!!!! Pardon me... its not God, its G.O.D (Gigolos on drugs). Ah well~

Hmm... the robot fight actually looks pretty interesting!

Posted by: Vincent | October 17, 2005 at 03:47 AM

Ahh, Korean Airlines, the only airline I have ever flown and actually felt in danger. I remember flying from Kimpo to Manila one time and not a single member of the cabin staff could speak word of English. The pilot handled the 747 like an F-4 and the landing was a three bouncer. On return to Korea my baggage was soaked from having been left on the tarmac and had a big rip in it. To top things off, the rep in the airport was an asshole and said "we don't care if foreigners fly us. We are for Koreans."

Talk about customer service!

Posted by: kimchipig | October 17, 2005 at 09:11 AM

To top things off, the rep in the airport was an asshole and said "we don't care if foreigners fly us. We are for Koreans."

Talk about customer service!
There is no way that you'll convince that this is true.

Posted by: EFL Geek | October 17, 2005 at 04:45 PM

Yup, it as on a flight from Manila to Seoul in August of 1999. These things happened a lot in Korea in the past. I have always found Asiana fine, though.

Posted by: kimchipig | October 17, 2005 at 04:49 PM

Maybe a post about some kid who was # 2000 should be in order.

Posted by: kimchipig | October 26, 2005 at 09:22 PM