Saturday, April 14, 2007

Rain: The Light Drizzle Tour


Time Magazine is currently conducting an Internet poll to let the people decide who is the most influential person in the world. Naturally, Rain is in the lead, proving once again his amazing global domination.

As of 10:20 AM (Corea Time), Rain had 57,290 votes. Apparently Thai netizens have been alerted about the poll as well, as that Giant of Global Affairs Bhumibol Adulyadej is vying for the lead. He was leading Rain at 9 AM, but the Korean Netizens have dutifully responded. For you ignoramuses (ignorami? can I get a spellcheck here?) who do not know who Bhumibol is (or 'Bhumiboy', as he is affectionately called by sarcastic expats in Thailand), he is the king of Thailand. In his write up on the Time site, you find this little blurb:

"Not much known or thought about outside Thailand. But inside Thailand
it remains a crime to insult or merely criticize him in any way."

Now that's not true! There are 10's of thousands of Thais outside of Thailand who occasionally think about him.

The poll has a column for 'total votes' and another for 'ranking'. They kindly, yet vaguely, explain how the rating system works:

The Average Rating is the mean of all Influence Meter submission for
a candidate and Total Votes represent the number of people that have
voted for each candidate.

Probably what is going on is that Korean and Thai netizens are repeatedly giving their boy 100% ratings and then giving his closest opponent 0% ratings. Since it is illegal to criticize the King of Thailand, I hope the proper authorities are tracking everyone who gives the Beloved King a score less than 90% and arrests them the moment they set foot in Thailand. Then naturally they should be brutally tortured in prison (I'd say 1 week for every percentile point below 90% that the voters gave him would be about right).

The Korea media has already jumped on the story. The headline of this piece reads, rather prematurely, "Singer Rain Selected First Place by Time Magazine". The first sentence reads, "Who is more famous, the singer Rain or Bill Gates?" It goes on to list all the big names around the world that Rain is 'more famous' than according to this highly scientific poll. I don't think they understand that the vote is ongoing and has clearly just turned into a competition between nationalistic robots submitting vote after vote for the representative of their country, but have these kinds of little technicalities ever stopped the Korea media before?

Update 2:

At 10:40 we have some dramatic changes in this very important poll!

Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central fame is now #1! Rowlings comes in at #2, the Boomdi-boomdi-boy of Thailand is at #3, and Rain has fallen to #4. What the fuck is wrong with you Korean netizens? Are you really going to let an American take the number one spot? Stop playing Starcraft and vote, damnit!

More updates to come. Stay tuned!

Update #3
I have officially quit my job in order to better stay on top of this very important event and spend every minute voting for Andy Samberg (of Lazy Sunday and  'Dick in a Box' fame, I'd say the latter alone has had slightly more influence on the world than Rain). My 200 votes (and counting!) have got him into the top 40.  I will continue to give updates every hour on the hour.

At precisely 11 AM J.K. Rowlings has taken the top place with a mere 19,000+ votes. BhoomerBoy is at #2 with 62,000 votes and Pee is at 3rd place with 60,000 votes.

This really isn't right. Rowlings has the unfair advantage of actually being known outside of her country. Once again, the Wicked West is setting up poor Corea for failure with this very undemocratic system of rating.

Why? WHY?!!!!

Update 4
Bhumbully is pulling away with the lead, now at over 67,000 votes. Can there really be another country that is even more insecure and nationalistic than Corea, or is this just a fluke?

Sydney Crosby is at #6 with about 6000 votes.

Yeah, I had never heard of him before either. I guess he is Canada's representive in this poll, which I suppose I should know because according to hundreds of angry kyopo girls I am a Canadian English teacher of children in Korea. Now that I just quit my job, I'll have a lot more time to teach illegal private English lessons, pick up Korean girls in bars, criticize everything American and smoke pot, like all my other Canadian brethren here.

Update 5

Sorry about missing the last two updates. A friend of mine just in from Vancouver had some really good BC Hydro. We lit it up a few hours ago and I totally spaced on this. I'll be sure to hit that again before my privates tonight; I've got to teach/entertain 2 middle school kids who despise studying English and I just couldn't make it through that if all my senses were intact.

Anyway, what the
hell was this post about again? Oh yeah, the online poll thingy. Well,
the Once and Future Nerd King of Thailand is really running away with
this thing. He's got over 80,000 votes, about 15,000 over Rain. I guess these Thai kids just want it more. They remind me of Korea about  back in 2002. Either Korea's going soft or Rain is just too lame to motivate the masses to vote.

Or maybe this is part of that backlash we've all been waiting for over the Cho massacre. Yeah, I like that theory. Maybe it's just the hydro talking, but it makes perfect sense to me.

Update 6:

Oh my fucking heck! A shocking turn of events in the poll. This is clearly becoming the biggest  second biggest story of this month. It deserves its own post.

Make it so...

Original highly popular post

Yet another article on Rain from the Chosun Ilbo (also commonly known in certain scholarly circles as the Chosun Dildo, due to its ability to self-stimulate feel-good nationalism like no other rag in Korea, though the good people at Chosun prefer to be referred to as "the Fox News of Korea").


Photo: Rain, sporting his new 'effeminate-nerd' look sure to drive all the Sheilas Down Under wild.

The article in its entirety, with the occasional comment here and there in bold.

The Stamford Plaza Hotel in Sydney on Wednesday was bustling with about
100 reporters and photographers from all over Asia and Australia. [with the total number of non-Asians estimated nearly in the double digits] They
were there for a press conference with Rain who had arrived a few days
ahead of his Saturday concert, his first show in Australia and part of
his "Rain's Coming" world tour.

Journalists from the Sydney Morning Herald, ABC TV, Rueters TV and
other local and international news outlets turned their attention to
the Korean pop singer who is rapidly becoming a global star. [actual statistics proving this to come later, I'm sure. Maybe much later. Until then...just believe...]

Rain, in both one-on-one morning interviews and at the press
conference, talked confidently about his feelings preparing for the
show, the results of the tour so far and his future plans.

Rain arrived in Australia on Tuesday to find a crowd of 150 fans
waiting for him at Sydney Airport. [Too bad they don't have a picture of that massive swell so we could see what Koreans living in Australia look like. If any of you have trouble trying to picture a crowd of 150, just recall the crowd of people waiting in Arrivals the last time you flew on a plane and add about 10 people to that.] Despite a hiccup in the tour date --
the concert was postponed a week because of a venue change [the original venue decided it would be more profitable to go with the All Stars of Polka World Tour] -- ticket
sales have been going well. [No, there are no figures to back up that claim, but rest assured if it had sold out then that information would have been included in the headline of this piece]. Even the Easter holidays didn't slow down
the weekend bookings. [Not that it should make any difference anyway, but hey, you try to come up with a better spin if you think it's so easy]

Rain will take to the stage on Saturday at Acer Arena, where
other top international acts such as the Red Hot Chili Peppers and
Beyonce Knowles have performed. [Which obviously means Rain is on an equal footing with such acts. Simple logic, that. On a completely unrelated subject, by the way, I once participated in a local basketball tournament back in the States and we played the final games in an arena where NBA teams used to play regularly. So basically there isn't much difference between me and the likes of Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.]

Be sure to keep reading the Chosun Ilbo for more 'λΉ„ on their Backs and Tell 'em It's Raining' articles.

Comments on original post

Oh, c'mon, no comments on this yet!? Then I'll just post a quick note to say that I found this post up to your usual high standards.

I'd like to find an official count on the number of products that this effeminate nerd endorses.

By the way, have you seen the "Not You Again: Do You Endorse Everything?" stickers around Seoul? I may know where you can get some, if you are interested.

Posted by: Whitey | April 20, 2007 at 07:30 AM

OK here's a comment: "Pi" is a talentless little girlieman.

Posted by: Ultralarge Octopus | April 23, 2007 at 03:37 AM

being a rain fan myself i shouldn't be happy about your post, but... hehehe... i have to admit, it's hilarious :)

Posted by: m | April 27, 2007 at 11:09 PM

Nice to see the occaisonal K-pop fan with a sense of humor.

Posted by: partypooper | April 28, 2007 at 02:08 AM

King of thailand sucks donkey cock.

Posted by: thai | May 04, 2007 at 05:34 AM


Posted by: acomplia rimonabant | August 07, 2007 at 06:35 AM

This photo of Rain isn't doing much to dispel my suspicion that Rain is a retard.

Posted by: Brendon Carr | August 12, 2007 at 06:10 AM

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