True Prophet of Blog

Once again, I need to remind the public that my predictions for the 2006 World Cup have come true with amazing 100% accuracy*.  I foresaw the fall of America, Japan and Korea in the 2006 World Cup years ago**.

Now some of the more close-minded among you may bicker over certain predictions that may seem (to the ignorant eye) not to have come to pass (Japan being outscored 12-1 in the first round, England drawing with Trinidad and Tobagawhatever).

However, I should point out that in that particular post I was quoted by myself out of context (hate when I do that) and also there are some apparent mistranslations from the original source. I receive my prophecies from the spirit world in an advanced form of computer language (zeros, ones and the occasional three) and sometimes things get lost in translation to English. If you were able to see the original source, you would see that my predictions were actually slightly more than 100% correct.***

Another of my Fearless Predictions which is being challenged is that Ronaldo continues to be the ugliest soccer player on the field. Some say that Lee Chun-soo has taken that honor. However, this poll was conducted on a Brazilian website, so obviously it is biased.  In a truly international poll, I'm sure Ronaldo would stay on top. Chun-soo would be in second, or possibly even third.

Nah, second.

And speaking of ugly, I in no way meant to imply that I thought Park Ji-sung was anything less than 'Gangta-esque' handsome when I made the comment: 'Park Ji-sung: A face only a mother could..."

The completed sentence I had in mind when I wrote that would actually read "Park Ji-sung, a face only a mother could pick out in an auditorium full of awkward-looking acne-ridden high school boys."

My apologies to Park Ji-sung, his mother and the hordes of middle
school kyopo girls who for some reason freak out if anyone makes a silly
joke about one of their idols.

I imagine they probably wouldn't appreciate this much either.

And finally, to those who think I take any joy in the Corea team's poor showing in the World Cup, I assure you that I take no more pleasure in the Corea soccer team's failure than your average Corean does in the America team's early exit. It's all about sharing the love.

*100% accuracy in the figurative sense of the expression
**This statement is absolutely correct, as I made the prediction at the end of 2005, and the 's' in the word 'years' is just a typo.
*** These calculations rely on an advanced form of mathematics known only to a handful of scholars and certain athletes who are cabable of giving '110% to the team.'

Viva Hula

I'm looking for a piece of exercise equipment that will not only delude me into thinking it will actually help me firm my stomach, but also make me look completely ridiculous in the process. I've narrowed it down to these two candidates.

I'm leaning towards the 'viva hula'. It's a bit more expensive ($50), which means it must be better, and it also seems like it might have other possible uses besides just losing weight.

Park Ji-sung: The Anton Ohno of Korea

Park Ji-sung receives great praise for his 'hollywood action' that brings out the yellow cards.

Park Ji-sung: The face only a mother could...

"Park’s flying act is already well known in the U.K.’s Premier League.
Fans once thought, Is he just falling over like that because he's a
little Asian guy who doesn't eat very much? Now they are praising the
maneuver as the perfect way to bring out yellow cards for the opposing
team. Park has been fouled 55 times: the team's undisputed leader."

Anton Ohno would be proud.

Comments from original post



Ah, he falls down on purpose! I thought it was just a Special Olympics kind of thing.

Posted by: Giant Panda | June 14, 2006 at 11:07 PM

He must be watching too many Italian games. Serie A players make his theatrics pale into insignificance.......viva Italia (quite cute too)...

Posted by: leone | June 16, 2006 at 09:53 PM

Hahaha, "Park Ji-sung: The face only a mother could...", could what? Could love? Yes, he's got a face that maybe only a mother would love. But then what would YOUR face be? A face that no one, not even your mother, would love. Your mother, in fact, would be hideously ashamed of your face. Please drown. Thank you.

PS I emailed you some pictures of myself again. Please write me back this time.

Posted by: Christine | June 17, 2006 at 06:27 PM

My Drowned in Life blog has been replaced with the present version. Keep writing, I enjoy stories about Corea.

kekeke

Posted by: Mark | June 18, 2006 at 02:13 PM

You have no right to be making fun of Korean people. I'm sorry that you feel jealous of us because we have become one of the most successful countries in the world. But let me tell you this: I suggest you watch yourself very carefully because many people are becoming very angry at you and your words. Unless you'd like your site and yourself to be sued, you should perhaps tone down a bit on your wording and phrasings. Like it says in the Bible, "Pride goeth before a fall." You may think you're full of intelligence and wit, but actually, it just seems like something a small child would do, seeking attention. If you'd truly like attention, you should go and try out for American Idol or something. You MIGHT receive some attention with your bashing on Korea there. (Perhaps negatively, but it's attention nonetheless, no?) P.S. I think you're just upset at Park Ji-sung because he's a world famous soccer player while you're a writer of ridiculous little stories. I pity you, honestly.

Posted by: Danbee | June 20, 2006 at 05:20 PM

Wow! And I thought folks like Danbee were just fictional!

Posted by: Alcoholic | June 21, 2006 at 12:50 AM

Now let me get this straight. I point out some obvious hypocrisy (Ohno doing some 'acting' to get a referee's call against Korea is evil, but Ji-seung doing the same thing for Korea is good), and the only thing you can do is respond with threats? If the claim is not true, then why don't you argue against it rather than just throw out childish insults? You seem to be a Christian, but is that really something that Jesus would do?

Please stop making Koreans look bad by supporting the stereotype that Koreans cannot take criticism rationally. Any more of this, and I just might have to sue your ass on behalf of all good Koreans.


Posted by: partypooper | June 21, 2006 at 06:50 AM

I really think you should tone it down a bit. You may think this is all fun and games. But people take this seriously. It's rude bashing on a country that has been through so much. Seriously, please stop. It's really bothering me and other Koreans.

And you're the only one making Koreans look bad by writing all of this bologna about us. Why won't you just make fun of your own race? Don't you think Korean people, or Asians in general, already have it bad enough? Calling us "chinks" & what not. So please, stop.

Posted by: Ashley | June 21, 2006 at 12:24 PM

Interesting little debate you got here. I'll sum up:

Argument: Koreans are hypocrites for condemning Ohno for getting referees to make foul calls, but praising Ji-sung when he does the same thing.

Counter-arguments:

#1. The author is uglier than Park Ji-sung

#2. The author is just jealous of successful Korea.

#3. Korea is a poor country, therefore no one should ever criticize it.

Impressive and profoundly logical counter-arguments, one and all. Clearly the fruits of an excellent education system (American and/or Korean, I would guess).

Can't we all get along? How about we all agree that Park Ji-sung is ok for doing what he does, and all the Koreans agree that Anton Ohno is ok as well.

To quote one of the greatest movies of all time:
"I'm OK, your OK: that there's how it is."


Posted by: captainhowdy | June 21, 2006 at 10:12 PM

Christine, Ashby and Danbee...

Perhaps you should head over to the Naver boards and read the unrestrained "hate white people/hate japanese/hate non-koreans" that is on thousands of comments daily.

They you come here and make ridiculous threats your little high school butts can't back up.

Note: I have never read the word "chinks" on this blog. Hell, on any waygook in Korea blogs. We're rather aware we're in Korea, not China, for one and we don't actually have to go for crude name-calling. Why? The ridiculous self-righteousness and huffing&puffing nonsense of the average over-emoted Korean - like you! - is comedy enough for us!

Thank you for your letters, you are a hilarious example of Korean non-rational bluster and empty threats.

Pshaw!

Posted by: Hugh | July 06, 2006 at 06:18 PM

damn man.... wth you guys problem? park ji sung is doing a great job and hes doing great at contributing the team. guys your sitting on your asses writing stupid shit. admire the guy. hes freaking better than all you guys by 10x better. stop criticizing him becuase hes famous and all you guys are not. and what does the bible and jesus got to do with it? its fucking soccer? not freakking hallelujah soccer praise shit? its Soccer~ joga bonito.

Posted by: steven lim | April 07, 2007 at 05:54 PM

oh also. park ji sung . well im playing soccer in auburndale fusion in america. and im jus saying that im really proud of you hyung. you started in japan and everybody let you down. but you still keep on practicing and practicing. and now your like one of the best midfielders in the world. i hope you will live in this soccer genereration as long as possible hyung.

형! 화팅!! 형은짱이애요!!!
형!힘내새요!!
영표형!! 사랑해요...

my name is 임준혁...646 393 6886 this is my number call me hyung

Posted by: steven lim | April 07, 2007 at 05:59 PM

Bae Yong Jun: Cry for me

In Chosunilbo you can read an article about how South Koreans ignore LINK protestors trying to raise awareness about the plight of their brothers to the North, but if you want some true trajedy then go here:

Bae Yong-joon Laments the Price of Fame

Look at that pained expression. Oh why is life so hard for our little Yonsama?

"The interviewer says it looks as if Bae is unable to enjoy any
semblance of a normal life. "There can be nothing like that for me,"
the star replies. "The house, the office, the gym: my sphere of
activity is pretty limited. There's a coffee shop at a hotel that our
company manages, but even there I have to go in through the back door."
He admits to despairing sometimes when he thinks that this is how he
has to live the rest of his life."

My recommendation to Mr. Bae is to move to the United States where he can easily find the sweet oblivion that he so desperately desires. And also allow me to extend this invitation to International Mega-Superstar 'Rain' as well. If you ever want to go somewhere where no one knows nor cares who the hell you are, your own American Dream awaits you.

Speaking of the 'crying game,' transgender Ha Ri Su has made public the identity of her boyfriend.
Here is the lucky guy right here, Woo Seung-woo.

Woo-woo, mad props for being open-minded enough to date a transgender and having the courage to come public. You're more of a man than I could ever be (so to speak).

If the newest ads by Lee Joongi do not cause violent retching, perhaps you should consider getting some help.

They say that Joongi/junki/whatever is going to take on a more 'manly' role in his next acting effort. Good idea. I say he should get a fake girlfriend while he's at it. Joongi, your 15 minutes are about up on this whole girly-boy thing and though your gender-confused budding-lesbian fan-base may hold steady, I think you'll find the rest of Korean society is already getting bored (if not physically ill) with this whole 'aren't I just the cutest little princess?' act.

And finally, from an anonymous COF member I received a link to this photo.
It's a picture of the Korean soccer team in training. It seems that they were having a split-squad relay race and this is the winning team.

Question 1:
When having split-squad relay races, is it a requirement to form a 'love train' formation while watching other members race?

Question 2: In soccer, is it an acceptable act of celebration to reach around another player and grab his crotch? Or is this just a Korean guy thing?

Question 3: When another guy does grab your crotch, do you have to enjoy it as much as Kim Dong-jin (front-left) seems to be? Or is it just sports etiquette to refrain from the natural impulse to elbow the pepper-picker in the gut?

Comments on original post



The public wrap around is just too much. Have you seen The Yangpas take on Korean Gaydar (http://theyangpa.wordpress.com/2006/06/01/korean-gaydar-technology-lags-behind-international-standards/). It's pretty funny, but not nearly as good as your posts.

hmm.. no html on your comments.

Posted by: EFL Geek | June 01, 2006 at 04:17 PM

Allow me if I may to address each of these topics.

Photo 1. Yonsama is obviously despairing that his lipstick has dried up.

Photo 2. Which one is Harisu?

Photo 3. Word on the street is that Junki's "manlier" role will be the part of Harisu in the Harisu epic biography.

Photo 4. Use of the hands is apparently okay in soccer as long as you don't touch the ball(s).

Posted by: Iceberg | June 02, 2006 at 01:22 AM

Nice. Thank ya!

Posted by: Hugh | June 02, 2006 at 09:52 AM

Now those Korean footie boys are hot! I hope you don't mind Scott but I've reproduced it with credits of course!

Posted by: Leone | June 02, 2006 at 07:44 PM

Yeah baby, this is what I'm talking about. You really need to quit your day job so you can blog more. Or, do what countless other bloggers do and blog from work.

Posted by: Nomad | June 02, 2006 at 10:00 PM

Grabbing the crotch? I think it's just a Korean guy thing.

Posted by: yankabroad | June 03, 2006 at 07:08 PM

My god, that new Lee Jun-gi is just horrible. Truely retch-enducing.

The celebrity "woe is me" piece is a common tactic designed to engender a stronger sense of devotion among the fans. Reading about the sacrifices their favorite star has to make, the fans feel a stronger obligation to support their idol.

Of course, as you said, if he is really tired of the attention he can always just move to North Dakota and slip quietly into society there. But really... his management agency just isn't having that.

Posted by: Brian | June 07, 2006 at 09:24 PM

in english please..

Posted by: Joe brown | June 16, 2006 at 09:57 PM

"In soccer, is it an acceptable act of celebration to reach around another player and grab his crotch?" Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Sicko.

Posted by: Christine | June 17, 2006 at 06:29 PM

do you REALLY have nothing better to do than write all this crap?

Posted by: Yvonne | August 08, 2006 at 05:19 PM

Yvonne, this isn't the Chosun Ilbo or the daily news. It's a blog. If you can't take the heat, get out of the pan.

Posted by: littlebrownasian | August 08, 2006 at 05:37 PM

BoA and Bruce: Daily Affirmations

From Naver's "Please say you love us!" Daily Affirmation files comes this most-viewed headline story.

Bruce Willis: "Boa Is Beautiful!"

보아는 할리우드 최고 스타 브루스 윌리스로부터 "눈부시게 아름답다"는 극찬을 받기도 했다.

또한 브루스 윌리스는 레드 카펫 행사부터 시종일관 보아를 따뜻하게 배려하며 즐겁게 대화를 나누는 등 보아에 대한 관심과 애정을 보여줘 눈길을 끌었다.

Loose Translation: Bruce said she was stunningly beautiful, talked with her for a bit, showed her a lot of consideration and attention and invited her back to his hotel room so he could personally "Ride the Korean Wave".

Boa is the one between Avril Wha'ts Her Name and the guy in drag. Standing next to Avril does tend to make even the homely look good, I suppose.

Of this very important story, all Korean netizens screamed as one, "See this world? We're good enough, we're smart enough, and, doggonit, people like us!"

I honestly believe, though, that if BoA were to get a little more plastic surgery and some strategically placed implants (and replace all her songwriters), she'd have a much better chance of breaking into the America market than some fem-clone like Rain.

The Korean Gay Wave

The Korean GayWave is set to once again thrust itself upon Taiwan's shores. Happy them.

While 'Rain' may be the 'Justin Timberlake of Korea,' Kangta and Taiwanese singer 'Vanness' have joined forces to become the 'Ambiguously Gay Duo of Asia.'  Sure, Korean pop music may be a low quality imitation of western pop music, but they are definitely the vangaurd of homoerotic music and have obviously influenced/warped the Taiwan music industry.

'K-pop' and 'Gay-pop', just the difference of an aspirated consonant. Coincidence?

And next we have Korea's sweetheart Lee Jun-gi visiting Taiwan to promote his hit movie, The King and the (butt)Clown.

Some may wonder why hordes of middle school girls go
goo-goo for (presumably) male actors and singers who are nearly indistinguishable from women, but you have to understand
that at that age, young girls find the idea of actual men with penises quite
threatening. I say again, let's try to understand them, people, not judge.

Hat tip to a certain former Korean blogging deity (IA) who notified the Gaywatch Project of this recent activity. Kevin, if by chance you have some of your old blog entries on file somewhere, be a pal and let one of us bloggers post and store them for posterity. Let's do it for the children.

(shitload of) comments from original post (please read them all)



One day I watching Happy Ass TV and see picure Lee Junki. So joy that time! I screan "ASS TV NUBER ONE CHANEL" at TV and odl relative look me a nd say "WHY YOU DO" ha ha I don't explain raletive so she very angry me ^^

Posted by: Kevin Kim | May 04, 2006 at 09:42 AM

So funny!!

Posted by: Jenn | May 04, 2006 at 09:14 PM

IA @ Web Archive: http://web.archive.org/web/20040609051404/http://incestuousamplification.blog-city.com/

Posted by: SDCarroll | May 05, 2006 at 01:41 AM

Leave me and my butt alone!

Posted by: Lee Jun-gi | May 09, 2006 at 05:47 AM

Maybe we should help Korea to prolong their denial of homosexuality on the peninsula by introducing them straight to Metro-sexuality and skip the Homosexuality phase.

Posted by: Tom Thumb | June 03, 2006 at 09:23 AM

no affence or anything but theres more gay people in Europe and ESPECIALLY australia than asian countries or Korea in that fact so i think we should help the Australians and europeans first..

Posted by: Joe | June 04, 2006 at 12:02 AM

no affence or anything but theres more gay people in Europe and ESPECIALLY australia than asian countries or Korea in that fact so i think we should help the Australians and europeans first..

Posted by: Joe | June 04, 2006 at 12:02 AM

are you saying that Kangta and Vaness or something are gay cause they are both men in a group..think about D12 or sumshit, that has 6 members..woO! they must be REALLY gay! haha

Posted by: Joe | June 04, 2006 at 12:21 AM

are you saying that Kangta and Vaness or something are gay cause they are both men in a group..think about D12 or sumshit, that has 6 members..woO! they must be REALLY gay! haha

Posted by: Joe | June 04, 2006 at 12:21 AM

Like talking to the wall.

Posted by: Iceberg | June 04, 2006 at 05:21 AM

gees nothing to get pissd about@_@

Posted by: Joe | June 05, 2006 at 02:21 AM

i Just wanna help the gay europeans..thats a good thing

Posted by: Joe | June 05, 2006 at 02:22 AM

I like how you say: "I say again, let's try to understand them, people, not judge." and yet you're obviously judging.

You're obviously a smart one.

Posted by: Hannah | June 16, 2006 at 02:19 PM

Dude.... I know these posts are jokes and all but some people look at it at a literal level....
To me ur like an ignorant asshole
Start talking real and get to the main issues
If you are a teenager, start growing up...
If you are a Middle aged man, then go get a job or something...
If you are a old man, then go get a coffin or something and lay down until you die...

and to the commenters who support this man/woman
I suggest you guys should get a life tooo...

And i guess you guys are thinking..
Then you dont have a life for reading this post
Well im a teenager arent i?
and its summer...

And btw
i bet your going to try to comeback with a witty remark

Posted by: Yeah | June 16, 2006 at 06:37 PM

Wow, and to think I actually thought that you couldn't get ANY dumber. Stupid me, right? So what, is there like some kind of law that if two guys make ONE CD together, they're automatically gay? Think about how ridiculous that sounds. It might not be ridiculous to YOU because an evident IDIOT like you probably ONLY says ridiculous things. But to the rest of the world, it's just plain dumb. Give it up. It's not worth acting like an idiot. And also, that Lee Junki thing, Korea's sweetheart and "The King and the (butt) Clown"? SO HILARIOUS. Watch me die of laughter real quick.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-, no. That wasn't funny. That, was also dumb. For your information, it's not only middle school girls who like Lee Junki. And whether or not he has a penis, HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW? What, did you like wait outside his dressing room and then look down his pants? If EVERY Korean male was gay, then I wonder how Korean males get married to WOMEN. Ever think about that, genius? Korean Gaywatch.. Haha, the work of an original comedian. NOT. Please, do the world a favor and get a life. Or suck a cock. Oh wait, you already probably do that in your spare time. But either way works.

Posted by: Christine | June 16, 2006 at 07:32 PM

Hi 'Yeah' Hanna, and Christine and all the other little middle-school Kyopos lucky enough to have found my site. I hope you have me bookmarked for your summer reading entertainment and education. Now that I realize I have such a wide, avid readership, I'll make more of an effort to post more.

And it is my hope that you try to keep in mind that just because most Korean entertainers marketed for the teenie-boppers are ridiculous embarrassments to the entire Asian world, it doesn't mean that you, as Kyopos, are bad people in any way. As Christine Aguilera says, you are beautiful in each and every way. Please don't forget that as you continue through these difficult identity-forming years.

Peace out

Posted by: partypooper | June 17, 2006 at 01:45 AM

how BORED are you?

in the end, whos the one out there being successful? whos the one making a lot of money? and whos the one getting all the boys? its the korean celebs ur talking shxt about u retard. theyr getting far out there in the entertanment busines while u sit here and try to make .001% of the history theyr making/about to mak. And yet, despite your unimportance, here I am obsessing on your site. What a world, huh?

whatever, keep doing ur thing if it makes u feel any better about urself. As for myself, I need to get back to school and work on my spelling and syntax.

Posted by: yina | June 17, 2006 at 10:40 AM

You need to get a fucking life. Do you think you're the shit or something, just because your bashing some gay Korean stars.

And, why the fuck do you even care? You aren't even Korean and if you aren't going to appreciate it, then just stick to your own fucking American culture.

Who the fuck are you to bash Ahn Jeong Hwan? Gay? Probably, but he is also married to Ms. Korea. Plus, you're just fucking mad that the U.S. soccer team sucks ass and that Korea got ranked higher in the last world cup, even though we got it unfairly. Shit, U.S. already lost their first fucking game this world cup (though they were quite impressive against Italy)

Also, that post about TVXQ that you posted on the year of 2004. That's untrue, because as a matter of fact they are one of the biggest boy bands in Korea, China, Japan, and so on. True, they are gay, but so much for not remembering them in the future.

And, you're a fucking embarrassment to fucking America. You're so fucking ignorant, stereotypical, and racist. And I'm not. Get a fucking life.

So, why won't you and all the other Gaywatchers, get a fucking life.

God, why can't I get you and this site out of mind? One guy makes some jokes about Korean singers and I just go nuts. It's like I'm obsessed or something...

Posted by: partypooper is gey | June 17, 2006 at 11:00 AM

Uh, yeah. Here's where you go wrong. For your FUCKING information, I'm not a MIDDLE SCHOOLER. Yeah. Take that and shove it. Thank you.

Posted by: Christine | June 17, 2006 at 06:25 PM

Wow, so many posters in need of a good, strong vaginal douche. Maybe Lysol will do the trick.

Posted by: Giant Panda | June 18, 2006 at 05:58 PM

haha did u like edit my comment or something? if not then haha even more. i didnt know i was skilled to sound like an ass like you. smart ass i mean. gotta give u the credit. what makes u think u have the right to criticize so much people? are u all that greater than them?

please help make the world a better place and go fall off a cliff & die. please&thankyou=)

Posted by: yina | June 18, 2006 at 07:39 PM

haha did u like edit my comment or something? if not then haha even more. i didnt know i was skilled to sound like an ass like you. smart ass i mean. gotta give u the credit. what makes u think u have the right to criticize so much people? are u all that greater than them?

please help make the world a better place and go fall off a cliff & die. please&thankyou=)

Posted by: yina | June 18, 2006 at 07:39 PM

can tell from your post you are just a jealous person who views beauty as a threat...

Posted by: TM | June 22, 2006 at 09:10 PM

And whether or not he has a penis, HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW? - Christine

Snicker, snicker, snicker. How the hell would you know indeed.

Posted by: Iceberg | June 23, 2006 at 12:52 AM

"How the HELL would you know if Lee Jun Ki has a pensi?" Well, that is a good questiosn with most Koreans, since you can't tell it apart from the other pubic hairs down there. So I guess the assumption is if you can't see it it ain't there.

Posted by: Lee Jun Ki has no penis | July 19, 2006 at 01:38 AM

History Reeking with Reality

Got this in an email from a friend, a collection of history essays from Canadian college students. Funny stuff. Maybe Leno should do some Jaywalking up north of the border if he ever runs out of idiots on the streets of LA (won't happen anytime soon).

"History,"
*declared Henry Ford,* "is bunk." *And yet, to paraphrase George Santayana,
those who forget history and the English language are condemned to mangle
them.Historian Anders Henriksson, a
five-year veteran of the university
classroom, has faithfully recorded, from papers submitted by
freshmen at McMaster University and the university of Alberta, his
students' more striking insights into Europeam history  from the Middle
Ages to the present.
Possibly as an act of vengeance, Professor Henriksson has now assembled
these individual fragments into a chronological narrative which we present
here.*
 
 

During the
Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were
co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. [Ruled by the Dark Lord Sauron perhaps?]  It is
unfortunate that we do not have a medievel European laid out on a table before
us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were
drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized
big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent.Murder
during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone.England fought numerously for land in France
and ended up winning and losing.

In the 1400
hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose.
Finally, Europe caught the Black Death.The
bubonic plague is a social
disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other
etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance
of the English language as the national language of England, France,
and Italy  . 

    The Middle
Ages slimpared to a halt.[slimpared? Is that from the Jabberwocky story?] The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life
reeked with joy. [May all our lives reek with joy!] Italy 
became robust, and more individuals felt the value of
their human beings.Italy,
of course, was much closer to the rest of the
world, thanks to nothern Europe. Man was
determined to civilise
himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became
sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level Europe
was full of incredible
churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful
and almost lifelike. .

     The
Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were
going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures.Traditions
had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for
resurrection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry
Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door [must have been a damn big door] Theologically,
Luthar was into reorientation mutation. [Big Ho? A little help with religious terminology here?] Calvinism was the most convenient
religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be
migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic.[I looked this up and it is true, by the way] Monks went right on seeing
themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. [Shocking news for some professors at Sogang University, I'm sure]

   After the
refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could
gain the Netherlands
they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe
which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central
Europe and India thus
serrounding France. The German Emperor's
lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. [Just like the French to do something like that, isn't it?]

Louis XIV
became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he
didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their
lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia
the 17^th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs.
Russian nobles wore
clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with
accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder.
Orthodox priests became government antennae.

[mighty kind of the Russian nobles to go all out for Peter like that.]

The
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got
him into trouble withFrederick
the Great. Philosophers were unknown
yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration
slightly confused with defeatism.France was in a very serious state.Taxation
was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was
accomplished before it happened. [how's that for efficiency?] The revolution evolved through monarchial,
republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean.Napoleonwas ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

[Napolean wets himself and decides to take it out on the rest of Europe. Unlike the Emperor of Germany, there's a man who could have used some blocking of his lower passages]

History, a
record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.
[for us North Americans, it might as well have] Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western
European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic
modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated
that in Paris,
out of a city population of one million people,
two million able bodies were on the loose.

['complexicated'...if this guy ever immigrated to the States, maybe we'd make him our next president]

Great
Brittian, the USA
and other European countrys had demicratic leanings. The middle
class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid
holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists
were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was to be done
by ballad.

[Laugh if you will, but voting by ballad is no more ridiculous than the electoral college system]

A new time
zone of national unification roared over the horizon. [try topping that sentence!] Founder of the
new Italy
was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north.Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We
can see that
nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleon
III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live
extension of the late, but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany:
loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture
fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard
Strauss, who was
violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious
and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion.Music reeked
with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his
contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical." Other countries
had their own artists.France
had Chekhov.

World War
I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany
was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war
people get killed, and then they aren't people
any more, but friends. [Neocon logic, I suppose] Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by
George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived
with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the
peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white.Germany
was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler.Germany was
morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin
became the decadent capital, where
all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic
movement arose. [this whole essay seems to have an anti-semantic feeling to it as well] Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by governmental
groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish
between Germany and France.
The appeasers were blinded by the great
red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million bayonets [what a fag] and
invaded Hi Lee Salasy.Germany
invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia
invaded everybody. [wow!] War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was
dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and
their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

 

I, for one, have learned a lot.

I would like to submit my own historical essay on Dokdo island. It hasn't cleared with VANK yet, but I'm sure it will be.

Dokdo was Korean from the times of Dangun. When Dangun was a child, he went swimming in the East sea and after swimming a long time his head hit the rocky island, making a 'dok' sound so that is way it has the name. He loved the island so much he went there almost everyday and built a real good tree house there (there were lot of trees on dokdo then). Korean navy admiral Lee Sun shin used Dokdo as a secret underground lair in a big cave in the island from which his ships would sail out and kill Japaneses. Japan invaded Korea in 1905 because they wanted Dokdo and they made the dokdo seagulls for comforting their soldiers. Their policy of reorientation mutation to Japanese was most harsh and it was kind of like a Middle Evil days. This made the Korean peoples morbidly overexcited and unbalanced and they rose up and singlehandedly drove the Japanese into the East sea and took the island again and every Korean killed somebody but no Koreans died even a little bit but nobody had any fingers left. Everybodi reeked with joy and reality and a new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. But then America was envy and came in and divided Dok island into two separate islands by using nuukulear explosions and many baby seagulls couldn't find their mother and they slimpared to their deaths and it was really trajedy and everything reeked of han.