USA: Korea's most important ally

Korean politicians from the left-leaning Uri party, voted America as Korea's most important country with which to maintain amicable ties (North Korea came in a distant second...)

This is a picture from a rally held last Sunday. Damn, I'd hate to think what would happen if we slipped down to #2 ally.

Anyway, I'm sure South Korean President Noh will soon offer a heartfelt apology to the States for this defiling of our national symbol, just as he did when some activists burned a North Korean flag a year back. I mean, we are their most important ally and all.


In case you didn't know, last Sunday was a holiday to celebrate their independence from Japan.

Celebrating your independence from Japan by shredding the flag of the country directly responsible for your country gaining said independence: that makes sense...I think...

I can't wait for Iraq to become a free, productive, democratic nation after thousands of American lives have been sacrificed and billions of dollars of US aid has been poured into the country so they can be as grateful as the Koreans are today.

Anti-Americanism
I just happened to ride the subway last weekend in the same car with about 40 or so student protestors on their way to a rally (probably the one in the picture). About 12 of them were female and on a scale of 1-10 they averaged about a 2.5 on the looks scale. Let's just say I don't think they were giving up any hot dating prospects that weekend by going out to the demonstration.

Anyway, that reminded me of an old post I had about the causes of anti-Americanism. Allow me to repost:


Anti-Americanism in Korea:

It's hard to speak in generalities about such a complex issue, but that's never stopped me before! Here are the main causes:

20% of the time the "anti's" have valid points [Note: percentage can raise as high as 45% during Republican presidencies].

25% of the time they just need a scapegoat to take their attention off their own fucked-up country and lives [sexual frustration may be a key component here for some Korean students; Korean student protestors usually ain't so easy on the eyes and that pent-up energy has got to go somewhere...]

25% of the time they actually don't know exactly what they are protesting, but are just going to the most recent demonstration because their boyfriend or club circle is going and they are deathly afraid of being left out of the group.

30% of the time it is just a case of impotent rage and blind jealousy OF THE MOST ASS-KICKINEST JUGGERNAUT OF AN EMPIRE THAT HAS EVER ROCKED THIS WORLD!!! YEEHAW!!!!!

[blog author pauses to get his guns and shoot several rounds in the air]

Ok then...

Note: Picture of flag shredding swiped from Corsair the Rational Pirate site. He may be a pirate, but at least he's one of the rational ones. The name of his blog gave me an idea for a killer punk band name: Irrational Butt Pirates. I'd definitely check out a band named Irrational Butt Pirates.

2004 Presidential Comparison

Another post from the old blog site I deemed worthy of salvation from oblivion.







Our Fearless Commander-in-chief and The Man Who Would Be King.

These are the men who would run the most powerful country in the history of the world.

God have mercy...



The elections are just around the corner and with so much bickering and mud-slinging already started, I'm sure you are all worrying yo purty little heads over who to vote for. Allow me to cut through the sound and fury of the spin doctors for you. The Party Pooper: I poop, you decide.



1. Past Records of Achievement (or lack thereof)



Kerry: Spent 19 years on the Hill and proposed 1 bill worth mentioning that passed (grants to women small business owners), unless such things as marine research and officially renaming federal buildings get you excited.


Bush: Drank a lot when he was young, got into good schools with his father's help, failed in more than a dozen business enterprises (funded by Daddy), and briefly became owner of a bad baseball team (Thanks again Dad!).



2. Stand on the issues



Kerry: Switches positions when politically expedient: Bush's education bill, The Big Brother Act (also known as the Patriot Act), Gulf War (against Part 1, for the Sequel).


Bush: Stands very firmly on his issues, that is, as soon as Daddy and his buddies tell him what they are. Has an outstanding record of consistency in regards to supporting the rich and alleviating their suffering.



3. Foreign Policy



Kerry: Voted to cut military spending in 1996, voted to cut Military Intelligence after the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center. Thinks Kim Jeong il just needs a good heart-to-heart talk, a better hair-dresser and maybe a hug and then he'll come around. Loses sleep at night worrying that the world doesn't love us like it used to back when...uh...when...oh yeah, back when we were saving their asses from fascism and communism.



Bush: Increased military spending because spending more on military than the next 20 countries combined is just not good enough (that is, once he was informed that there were more than 20 countries other than the US). Loses no sleep over what hippies in other countries think of 'merika (hell, sometimes he even sleeps until noon!).

As for North Korea, there's still time for Bush to set what would be a practically unbeatable record of three separate major conflicts/wars in one presidential term. You can do it!




4. Military Service

Kerry: Served honorably in the Vietnam War, was awarded medals (without having to go through the inconvenience of suffering a wound requiring a stay in the hospital), came back the US and protested the war. Publicly threw away medals belonging to other vets, giving the impression that they were his own (he still has his). This, of course, is enough to automatically negate the fact that he actually put himself in harm's way in the fight against communism and initself leads credence to the rumor (officially starting right now by me, spread it around) that he slept with "Hanoi Jane" Fonda AND a young Hillary Clinton (though she denies that she "inhaled," so to speak).


Bush: Served honorably in the National Guard (definition of "honorably" in this case being that he can prove he was paid). Proved his patriotism and willingness to sacrifice all for his country by showing up for service quite often, not being AWOL that much, and coming within a year of completing his service before somehow getting permission to join a campaign staff.




5. Special Interests

Kerry: Has raised more money from lobbyists than any other senator in the last 15 years. On the bright side, Kerry does absolutely nothing for the corporations that give him the money (refer back to #1).



Bush: Has a strict policy of only receiving money from lobbyists whom he actually intends to shape and/or break the laws for. How are them Halliburton stocks doing these days anyway?





Conclusion:



Democracy doesn't work.







Any questions?


First posted Tuesday, 17 February 2004

Canadian Bastards 2

Naver site news seems to be challenging Ohmynews for anti-foreigner news. Their crack team of investigative reporters have supposedly found yet another "shocking" error on the Canadian travel site

As you can see in the picture from the Naver site, the map of Japan shows Cheju island as a part of Japan, not Korea (colored in gray).



Truly shocking


I went to the Canadian site again and this is the map that they currently have posted.



Hmm...Cheju seems to be appropriately "Korea gray" here (click to enlarge)

So, since this "breaking story" was just released last night at about 11 PM Korean time, are we to assume that the Canadian site was informed about the error and changed it within hours? If so, what, pray tell, is the big problem here? A very minor mistake in the first place was immediately changed as soon as they found out about it. Why report on this at all?

Slow news day? Are they having a hard time filling their daily quota of anti-western/Japanese propaganda?

Update on previous post

I got an answer from the reporter who wrote the original story I posted just prior to this one. Here it is:

귀하의 e-메일 편지를 잘 읽었습니다.
내용 전달을 확실히 하기 위해 한글로 답하려합니다.
불성실한 번역이라 든가, 의도가 있는, 뭔가 진실을 오도하려는 번역이라고 지적하면서 3가지 상황 설정중에 어느 것이냐고 묻는 것도
이해했습니다.
지금 저는 어떤 대답도 하지 않을 것입니다.
왜냐하면 주한 미국 대사관과 주한 캐나다 대사관의 입장을 오늘 대한민국 외교통상부가 소개하는 보도자료를 냈기 때문입니다.
현재 이 보도자료에 대한 저와 회사의 입장을 발표할 수준이 아닙니다.
더군다나 저는 귀하를 잘 모릅니다.
기사와 관련 기자가 일일이 독자에 취재경위와 취재원과 기사를 왜 그렇게 썼는지에 대해서 설명할 필요성은 없다고 봅니다.
그러나 당신이 누구인지 정확한 신분을 밝히면
그때 설명할 용의는 있습니다. 현재는 답변이 불가능 하다는 것을 알려드립니다.

Basically it says it understands my question (translation problem was an honest mistake or an intentional one) but can't answer because they got a press release from the American and Canadian embassies on the matter and they aren't able to give their response at this time (I think that's what it says, lack of subject markers make me a little confused as to who sent the press release to whom).

Furthermore, he doesn't need to reply to me or answer about the way he gathers his news because he doesn't know who I am, but if I do identify myself then he might prepare an explanation.

Yeah, basically a bullshit non-reply, but then again I don't blame him. What reporter has time to give in-depth replies to every stranger on the Internet who writes in?

But I don't think he really has a good answer for the translation anyway. Perhaps it bothered him enough to at least send me the above.

Fanning the Flames

Looking over the Naver front page yesterday I stumbled onto this article (in Korean). Basically it says that foreign websites are giving false information about Korea and giving the country a bad image by making it look like a dangerous, crime-infested hole, which of course we know is not true (sleaze-infested hole maybe, but certainly not a dangerous place).


Always happy to have a chance to fit in a picture of Jeon Ji Hyon (she's the Naver site model these days; that's my excuse for posting this picture)


Being just a tad skeptical of Korean journalism, I looked up the websites that they indicated to see the original English.

What I found out, and I hope you are sitting down lest this shock you, was that the reporter was being a little loose with his/her translation. No, check that; this reporter was simply lying with the assumption that few if any Korean netizens would bother checking out the sources (it took a long time to find them, by the way, from the website addresses given in the article). I don't know if even OhMyNews ever gets this bad.

Here's the first big "find" of them damn foreigners lying about Korea:

1일 현재 미 국무부 사이트(www.state.gov)는 "한국은 서울과 부산 등 주요 도 시 지역의 소매치기, 핸드백 강탈, 성폭행, 강간, 범죄율이 아주 높은 수준이고, 특 히 외국인들이 범죄의 타깃이 된다"며 "유흥지에서 강간은 최근 증가하고 있다"고 소개했다.

I’m no Marmot, but here is my translation of the above:

----

A current government website stated: “In major cities like Seoul and Busan the crime rate of pick pocketing, purse snatching, sexual assaults, and rape is at a very high level, and especially foreigners are the targets of crime” and “in entertainment areas rape has recently been increasing.”

----


Oh my God!!! Seoul and Busan are rife with all manner of crimes and foreigners are being targeted!! How dare those foreign devils tell such lies about our country!!

This is from the actual website the translation was taken from (scroll down to the “crime information” section). Compare and contrast the above translation with what was actually said.

Although the crime rate in the Republic of Korea is low, in major metropolitan areas, such as Seoul and Pusan, there is a higher incidence of pickpocketing, purse snatching, assaults, hotel room burglaries, and residential crime, and foreigners can be targeted…Incidents of rape have recently increased in popular nightlife districts in Seoul.

So, first the reporter cuts out the beginning of the sentence from his translation (“Although the crime rate in the Republic of Korea is low”), which establishes the proper context for the information that follows. Basically, the site is just telling the truth: crime in Korea is not bad, but there are few things to be careful of.

Then he mistranslates “a higher incidence” into “아주 높은 수준이고” (“a very high level”). The original is clearly comparing the metropolitan areas of Korea to other areas in Korea, but in this retard’s translation it comes out as if the US site is saying Korea has a high level of these crimes compared to the rest of the world.

And finally from the original, “…and foreigners can be targeted,” we get, “especially foreigners are the target of crime” (특 히 외국인들이 범죄의 타깃이 된다).

What university did this moron graduate from?

The other example is from a Canadian travel site. Here’s the Korean translation from the Naver site:

캐나다 외교부는 "한국에는 캐나다인과 다른 외국인을 향하 여 성폭행, 강간이 계속 발생하고 있다. 범죄자들은 외국인 거주 아파트에 수선공이 나 배달원으로 위장침투해 강간하고 성폭행 한다"고 설명하면서 한국 근무 캐나다 선생들에게 주의를 당부했다.

And here is my translation of the translation:

A Canadian site (www.voyage.gc.ca) cautioned Canadians of going to Korea as teachers, explaining that, “Sexual assault and rape to female Canadians and other foreigners are continually occurring. Criminals get into foreigner’s apartments in the guise of repairmen or deliverymen and rape and sexually assault [the residents].”

Sounds pretty bad don't it? Hell, I've already been raped two times this week alone by the Mexican Chicken delivery guy (they know my weakness...)

Well, this is the original from the Canadian travel site.

Korea is culturally very different from Canada. Working females and, in particular, foreign females are often in a different, and negative, cultural category. Sexual harassment is not the norm, but it does happen and Canadian female teachers should be aware of the situation in making a decision about work in Korea.

There have been cases of sexual assault against Canadians and other foreigners. In some of these cases, the assailant was disguised as a repair or delivery person in order to gain entry to the apartment. Victims have reported being robbed and sexually assaulted. Canadian teachers should remain cautious and never open the door to strangers.

So, from the clause, “there have been cases of sexual assault,” we get the translation: “sexual assault and rape…are continually occurring”

The original just points out that, though “it is not the norm,” there have been some cases. In our reporter’s creative translation, however, we get the feeling that these cases are happening over and over again.

In my opinion, the advice given on both sites is quite sound and not overstated in the least. I've personally known about 30 foreign women in Korea (94 if you include Russian prostitutes) and though none have been raped, almost all have had some scary experiences. But in each case, they used some common sense and avoided any serious trouble and had a good experience in Korea (well, "tolerable" would perhaps be the better word for the majority).

By the way, you all know that I was joking about the Russian prostitutes, right?

The Netizen Response
I went onto the message board and added some comments (in simple English, my typing in Korean is painfully slow), basically saying the translation is wrong and the article is dishonest. To the credit of some of the netizens, there were several posters who backed me up and pointed out other flaws in this article (you have to remember that only about half of the Korean youth buys into the "evil foreigner" thing).

But for others, this article had effectively added fuel to the anti-foreigner fire. Interestingly enough, Japan, which was not mentioned in the article at all, got a lot of bashing as well (they think Korea is bad? Well what about those bastard Japanese…!)
The email address of the reporter is given in all of these articles, so I sent the following email to him/her (you're welcome to do the same! Don't forget to demand a sincere apology!)

ghwang@yna.co.kr


Dear “ghwang”
I found your recent article on the Naver news site (“美ㆍ加 외교부사이트 "한국은 범죄율 아주 높은 수준”) to be dishonest and manipulative.

Your translations of the original English are amazingly poor and seem to be purposefully misleading. From what English sentence do you derive the translation of “한국은 범죄율 아주 높은 수준” (which you also used in the title of the whole article)?

I couldn’t find that anywhere. I did find this, however:

“Although the crime rate in the Republic of Korea is low…”

You remember the sentence that came from, right? You translated most of it, but for some reason you omitted the first clause shown above. Not only did you cut this clause out of the translation, but you then put a quote in your title that does not even exist in the original English and says the OPPOSITE of what the article realy said. Why?

Even a freshman university student in Korea should be able to understand the true meaning of these paragraphs that you mistranslated. Both of your sources say clearly that crime in Korea is low, but they just want to give some common sense advice anyway. If you had bothered to look up any other country on their sites you would see that this is what they do for ALL countries.

There are several other major problems and omissions in your translations. I documented them all on my blog (http://partypooper.blogs.com).

So, why is your “translation” so deficient? There are three possible reasons I can think of:

1. Your English is really awful and you honestly misunderstood the original websites.

2. You got faulty information from some other source and you never checked to see if it was accurate.

3. You purposefully mistranslated the sites in order to increase negative feelings towards foreigners (especially North Americans).

Which one is it? If your English skills are poor, then you really shouldn’t be reporting on these kinds of stories, right? You just are not qualified.

If #2 is correct, then you are not acting professionally. A good reporter always checks his sources, even one who can only find freelance work on the Internet.

However, if #3 is the real explanation for your misleading article, then you have some serious ethical issues. What motivates you to be so dishonest and hateful? Why is it so important for you to convince others to hate and/or distrust foreigners that you have to purposefully mislead them? What kind of respect do you have for your readers if you feel you need to lie and manipulate them?

I’d be interested in hearing your response. I posted all of this (including this email) on my blog, and I also intend to give this article to a friend of mine who teaches in a Media course in a top university in Seoul as an example of manipulative media practices. If you respond to my email (replying in Korean or English is fine), I promise that I will post it on my blog in its entirety without cutting any sentences out or making a bad translation (that’s just the decent, honest thing to do, right?).

If you have any intention of becoming a real reporter, you need to go back and learn the fundamentals of journalism. What you reported was dishonest and wrong and you owe your readers an apology.

Chinese Medicine 만세!!!

Another post from the old site which complements the previous article. It linked to an old Onion article ("FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo") which is available only to premium subscribers. Relevant paragraphs are included below in bold, with my own words of wisdom in between.

It appears that there is a new drug hitting the market that will give Chinese medicine (한약) some severe competition. Like Chinese medicine, this drug reportedly cures everything.

"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo. It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any of the analgesic properties."

Unfortunately, this new drug is proving to be nearly identical in efficacy to our traditional Chinese medicine. It is a very serious challenge. However, all is not lost. It seems that this “miracle drug” does have some side effects:

Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."

As you know, Chinese medicine has ZERO side effects. In the few cases where it seemed that the patient had some side effects, it was later determined that they actually were suffering from over-exposure to electric fans or western food (as a matter of fact, it was probably the Chinese medicine they had taken that prevented certain death). I’m pretty sure it was legit, because I saw the Chinese medicine doctors say this on TV, and they wore white coats and had a lot of books in their office and everything, just like real doctors.

Just look at that picture! Now something that complicated MUST be true!

Now I know there are some overly skeptical people out there who somehow doubt the efficacy of Chinese medicine. Allow me to edumicate you on the subject. School’s in session Buckwheat, sit down and get out your pencil.

Photo: From left to right: Mother of all Koreans (the bear), Tangun, one rascally tiger (who was unable to become a Korean because he reportedly left the cave and ate at a Mcdonalds)

1: Chinese medicine has been around for something like, I don’t know, 21,000 years. As everyone knows, people were actually more enlightened back then and had direct communication with deity (i.e. God talking to Adam and Eve, Tangun and that bear chick in the cave, etc.). Furthermore, if something has survived for a long time, then obviously it must be true. To suggest otherwise implies that humans are capable of being ignorant and superstitious (which we know for a fact only applies to cultures and races different from ours).

Photo: President of the Korean Oriental Medicine Society (sporting the latest hairstyle from North Korea), Lee Ju-young : Serious looking man, serious medicine.

2: There is, like, tons of scientific evidence that Chinese medicine cures everything better than western medicine. This research is conducted by researchers in Oriental Medicine colleges all over Asia. Since their entire chosen livelihood depends on their research showing the efficacy of Chinese Medicine, you know that they have strong motivation to be extremely thorough and careful in their research. Thus, they are much more dependable than some coldly neutral research lab that lacks a vested interest. I’m sure unbiased researchers would do a half-ass job as they just don’t have the passion and drive that our Oriental College researchers have to get the results they want.

3: For all you smart-asses that point out the supposed “fact” that the lifespan of Asians was quite low until the introduction of western medicine, you just don’t know the whole story. The lifespan of Asians was so low due to Japanese aggression and other foreign interference. Those damn Japanese systematically killed everyone over the age of 50. I don’t have the link to the research, but I heard it from my seniors while drinking one night. I think I also heard that foreign governments from Europe and America interfered as well somehow, and prevented the Korean people from getting oriental medicine. I don’t have any links to support this as of yet, but I wrote a letter to the Hankoryeh newspaper and they assured me that they would put together a highly factual article in the near future.

4. Chinese medicine tastes really bad. We have a proverb here in Korea, “입에 쓴 약이 병에는 좋다” (Bitter medicine is good for what ails you). Chinese medicine tastes roughly 10 times worse than western medicine (cherry flavor? What the hell is up with that?). Ergo, Chinese medicine is 10 times better.

5. The anecdotal evidence supporting Chinese medicine is literally in the millions, if not billions. Just the other day I heard a great story about a friend’s father (who recently passed away due to advanced stomach cancer, God rest his soul) who was suffering from indigestion and abdominal pains (probably from eating western food). He went to an oriental doctor and he found out that his heart was too warm because his “ki” wasn’t flowing properly. He bought a month supply of Chinese medicine (for the low price of 500,000 won--$500 US) and after 3 weeks the pains just went away. Just try asking western doctors what “ki” is and see the blank look on their “educated” faces.

So nice try western doctors, but you’ll have to do just a little more before you can catch up with what we have here in the East. It’s taken you 2,000 years to come up with your “Placebo,” while here in Asia we’ve had it since time began.

Complementary medicine and dumb celebrities

[A repost from the old Pooper blog--select comments from the old blog included in the post]

People often assume that if a person is very successful in one area of his or her life, this person would probably be successful in other aspects as well. Oprah Winfrey, for example, is extremely successful in entertainment and business, but in her books and on her show when she talks about issues outside her realm of expertise, some people wrongly assume that she knows more about that particular field than their local garbage man. They'll then quote Oprah on whatever her opinion may be as if they are refering to an expert. "Oh, it's true. I heard it on Oprah."

In critical thinking terminology this is called "faulty appeal to authority."

When people turn to celebrities for advice on love, dieting, politics, etc., the technical term for this critical thinking error is called "extremely fucked up appeal to authority."

Celebrities may be good musical artists or actors (note to Will Smith, you only fall into the "good actor" category), but they don't lead the most stable of lives (what is the divorce rate of celebrities, 90%? A Guiness on tap in Hongdae to the first person who can name 3 famous celebrities over the age of 40 who have never divorced). Considering how messed up most of their lives are, it is probably better wisdom to find out what they do and think and then proceed to do the opposite.

I found this article on celebrities and "complementary medicine" on a MSN homepage (UK). I'd link it, but I can't find it now and basically I cut and paste the whole thing here anyway. Let's find out what these "experts" have to say on health and well-being, shall we?

How does Madonna hold on to pop-icon status, a toy-boy husband, deal with two small kids and look so good aged 45? Dedication and sheer hard work play a part, but so does a regime of different philosophies and therapies, from Ashtanga yoga to Jewish Kabbala and palmistry to mantra therapy

She owes her success to weird philosophies and mantra therapy? No. She owes her success to finding out what image low-attention span clones will buy into next. No one has gone so far in the celebrity world on so little talent. Her singing and dancing are subpar, she doesn't write her own music and let's not even get into her acting. Even Celine Dion can at least claim that she has a good voice. Madonna's only real talent is shamelessly playing the image game.

Does she really "look so good at age 45?" I'm not seeing it, but whatever looks she has held onto are most likely more the result of plastic surgery than anything else? Come on, no nips and tucks? No bi-annual injections of Botox?

Here's a nice article on the Madonna facelift controversy (scroll down for a good quote by Sharon Osbourne, wife of heavy metal GOD Ozzy Osbourne).

(Damn, I just realize I've given away the name of one celebrity who is over 40 and hasn't divorced (and actually has a relationship with his children. Ozzy Osbourne: a role-model for celebrities everywhere to aspire to.)

Now I'm not against plastic surgery (as long as you don't go freakshow Michael Jackson on us), but don't feed us this shit about some quack medicine helping you look young when you have a plastic surgeon's number on your speeddial.

By the by, here's a before and after page on celebrities with plastic surgery for those interested in such things (You'll never guess what kind of surgery Dolly Pardon and Anna Nicole Smith have had done. Ok, maybe you will).

Madge's mate Gwyneth Paltrow is another devotee of complementary medicine. She credits acupuncture with helping her choose her Coldplay singer hubby Chris Martin. We can't promise you will find love, but it is said to treat everything from headaches to high blood pressure. More recently, Gwyn caused a stir by her overt display of the cupping technique she is reported to have been trying

Acupuncture to help you find a rock singer? Wow. I wonder what part of the body they have to put the needle in to make something like that happen. I'm guessing it's directly into the skull where it can pierce into the frontal lobe of the brain. Then, with just a few expert twists of the needle, you'll soon find yourself believing that acupuncture can do most anything!

Uh, no idea what the "cupping technique" means, unless it's related to masturbation and a cold cup of water. If she is trying something like that, then I can see how this might cause quite a stir.

Ah yes, and acupuncture treats "everything from headaches to high blood pressure."

Or, to put it in different (but slightly more accurate) words, acupuncture is only clinically proven to treat headaches and high blood pressure.

Or to put in yet another way, acupuncture is only clinically proven to treat headaches and high blood pressure, but just not very well.

But don't get me started on the anecdotal evidence!

By the way, Gwyneth once swore to me that she has never had a boob job and you know what? I believe her.

The ever-youthful Demi Moore is a big fan of Klamath Lake algae, which she says helps her to combat the stresses in her life. This mouthful of a therapy involves ingesting algae from Klamath Lake, Oregon, US and claims to be full of nutrients and anti-oxidants

Cooooool…ingesting algae. Not "eating" algae on a lovely crisp salad or "drinking" algae in a delightful frosty form of a shake, but "ingesting." To me, this gives the image of some kind of slimey swamp monster sucking down tons of algae off the floor of the mighty Klamath lake into its purple, fleshy maw, periodically taking a break to surface, rear its head back and give a blood curdling throaty wail into the full moon sky.

On second thought, that image probably comes more from it just being an aging Demi Moore than from the word "ingest", but anyway, it works for me.

This ranks only slightly less disgusting than drinking one’s own piss for health benefits. Demi, there are other sources of nutrients and anti-oxidants out on the market, trust me on this one. Kudos to Bruce Willis (one of my favorite actors of all time) for divorcing this ding-bat.

The former supermodel Christy Turlington is a strong believer in India's oldest healing system, Ayurveda, meaning the science of life. So much so that she has brought out her own range of Ayurvedic products.

Now actually, this makes her slightly less retarded than other followers of “complementary medicine”, since, unlike all the others, by selling this snake oil she actually gets some form of tangible benefit from it.

More on "Ayurveda" in just a bit...

Although Ayurveda is a complete medical system, its main claim to fame is to cleanse and rejuvenate, which may explain why ageing celebs like Goldie Hawn and Madonna (is there anything the Material Girl won't try?) are fans

A “complete medical system?” What, so this treats cancer? AIDS? Jock Itch? Tooth decay? I bet if I bothered to look up statistics on the life span of the average Indian I'd find it has been something like in the low 100s for thousands of years. Right? I mean, they've been so lucky to have always had this "complete medical system" since time began and all. God, why do we even bother with western medicine at all?

By the way, a sure sign that some "medicine" or "therapy" is just snake oil is when they claim it cures more than 5 different ailments, regardless of how biologically unrelated these ailments might be.

Dumb Patient: "So you're saying if I walk around all week with this crystal strapped to my penis my chest pains will go away?"

Quack: "Yes, and it will also cure your asthma, clear up that acne, improve your digestion, and prevent fatigue.

Dumb Patient: "Oh really? Great. And will it make my penis larger too?"

Quack: "Don't be silly. For that you need to wash your hair in horse piss. By mighty Vishnu, do they teach kids nothing in schools these days?"

[by the way, while preparing this post I was hoping to find some actual "traditional" method of penis enlargement to put into the above dialogue (entertain and educate, that's my motto), but just typing the word "penis" alone into any search engine brings up thousands of penis enlargement products to wade through, making it nearly impossible to quickly find what I was looking for. Terrified that someone might walk by and notice that I was scrolling though page after page of penis enlargement links (I do my bloggin in the library these days), I had to cut it short (as always, bad pun intended) and just make up the "remedy" about the horse piss. My apologies for not maintaining my normal high standards of accurate blogging journalism.]

Ok, back to Goldie's post.

"Cleanse and rejuvenate?" First off, Goldie hasn’t looked golden for more than a decade, and secondly, refer back to the earlier rant about face lifts and Botox injections. Anyway, I bet Christy Turlington and others in the "Ayurveda industry" are not too pleased with having Goldie's worn face being associated with their product.

Now we enter the world of the weird... certain stars, including Drew Barrymore and Kate Hudson, have turned to Wicca (a type of witchcraft), which claims to provide spiritual guidance in stressed-out times – spooky

I guess Wicca explains Barrymore's "magical" performances in the Charlies Angels movies that have won her so much acclaim.

Anyway, Letterman seems to be fond of her so in respect to Him, I'll just leave her alone.

Breathing lessons
Ummm, this is something us mere mortals manage to do automatically. However, Richard Gere and Arnold Schwarzenegger have both taken part in breathing programmes to improve their lung capacity

Now this is not unlike how I am able to increase my bladder capacity by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

No, actually my "health technique" does have a proven medical benefit: no kidney stones. Unless Gere and Arnold are able to hold in larger hits of marijuana than your average hippie, I'd say their breathing techniques is just a fancy waste of time (and probably an expensive one to if a trained "breathing guru" needs to be around).

Yoga
Geri Halliwell credited her super-slim figure to yoga, before admitting it was really down to the illness bulimia. This didn't stop her bringing out her own yoga-fitness video, though...

I’ll buy another beer for anyone able to identify who the hell Geri Halliwell is/was. As far as I now, yoga is a legit form of exercise so this shouldn't be here at all, but something evil in me just giggles gleefully every time I hear about another superstar turning out to have bulimia. Maybe it's just my way of coping with the fact that I never made it big as a heavy-metal guitarist, who knows.

Reflexology
This is based on the principle that there are reflexes in the feet that correspond to every gland, organ and part of the body. Famous names who have turned to this therapy for relaxation are Princess Di and pop diva Dina Carroll

Reflexes in the feet that correspond to all glands and organs in the body, great. I'm surprised western medicine didn't beat you to that common sense finding. I'm guessing that the big toe corresponds to the tongue, because every time I stub it expressions like "Fuck" "Jesus H. Christ" "God Damnit" "Allah is Fucking Mediocre at Best" and occaisonally "18 dog babies" automatically pour out of my mouth.

This reminds me, if any of you are interested in starting your own bullshit complementary medicine regimen, you’d better act fast before every potential ridiculous theory has been taken.

Select Comments to this post saved from the old blog

Until you've been in these peoples lives you can talk all the shit you want and probably will. And for all the stars out there who look and feel great because of alternative medicine, yoga, or even surgery. MORE POWER TO YOU!!!!

Posted by: Auntie April | April 18, 2005 at 09:05 PM

If you bothered to do any legitimate research on the topics you mention- such as the health benefits of acupuncture and yoga-- rather than relying on People magazine as your primary news source, you would find that these modalities are proven to work and have been FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Posted by: acugirl | February 12, 2007 at 05:14 PM

Acugirl, if you bothered doing any legitimate research from actual scientists on any of the topics mentioned, you'd soon realize that 'alternative medicine' quacks have been fooling others and themselves into believing their nonsense works FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

Here's something for you to think over. All of the above BS has been around FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS and yet, until medicine based on the scientific method came around, the average life span of people around the world was about 40. The number of major diseases cured by alternative medicine still stands at 0. Thousands of years of practice and practically nothing to show for it. How embarrassing.

But hey, it's your health and money. If you've found a placebo that works for you, be it sticking needles in your body, eating powdered tiger gonads, drinking monk's piss or what have you, then more power to you.

Posted by: partypooper | February 13, 2007 at 02:24 AM

Great article. I laughed my ass off all the way. Stick to science and ignore these idiots that talk about walking a mile in madonna's shoe.

Posted by: arvindh | March 04, 2007 at 10:21 PM

The Lucy Lieu Debates

Another post from the old site. I don't make it over to the Korean Herald forum as much as I used to, but I dropped by today and realized not much has changed. It's still the lovable disfunctional family you thank God you never had, with almost the same people visiting as ever. It's a little American Gi heavy but there is enough of an oddball mix of ex-pats and Koreans to keep it interesting from sociological point of view.

Word to the wise: if you visit the board and scroll through the messages, limit yourself to only 2 pages a day at most. If you find yourself go further back through the messages in one sitting you WILL regret the time lost that could have been used more productively (like masturbating to pictures like these). [note: for best results, click on this link at work when your boss and several co-workers are nearby] That was for all expats in Asia who might be forgeting what you left behind back in the west.

For those of you who were not made blind by the last link, let's continue.


The post below was an exchange between Forgotit and Rocksteady, two of the more colorful characters on the board.


The Lucy Liu Debate
Years ago the editors of the Korean Herald had simple but bold dream: to gather the intellectual giants of the 21st century on one forum to discuss the pressing issues of the day. The dream has become reality, and now one can log on and drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge and wisdom that daily spews forth for all to enjoy. Let it wash over, caress and cleanse you. Drink from this water and thou shalt never thirst again.


Here’s a sampling of what waits for you.



Forum debate panel (I took the liberty of finding pictures that fit my image of the debate members)



"YY"

YY: Korean, single female, early thirties, works in an international trading company. YY is a regular member of the Korean Herald forum, a talented artist, and in the imagination of several American Gis on the board, a sex hungry vixen.


"Rock Steady"




Rocksteady: Former US military man, now a celebrated author and successful entrepreneur (wrote a book on Korean bar secrets and runs a bar himself down in Taegu, or “the goo,” as he likes to call it).

--



"Forgotit"


Forgotit: Warrior, poet, philosopher: Forgotit is truly a many splendored thing. Forgotit currently works for the US army in Korea as a contractor and reportedly makes more money than you do.

-






YY starts tonight’s debate with this opening statement.

YY: Is she pretty? Lucy Liu , Is she pretty to Americans? It’s so strange to me.
Americans have unique odd eyes. In our eyes or our Asian eyes, she is close to ugly face..
If she was in asia, she wouldn't be on the movie.

Forgotit: Well, she does something for me. Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!!!! Man thats all good, check her out in "Payback", I still have dreams of being corrected by her any day, even if my homework was right on it or not. I mean goddamn, look at that, even the Pope would agree, she is fine. I bet she can make the Pope stand up beg for Hot Biscuits and Butter Milk, I know she can make 99.8% men stand up. Hey that reminds me are you man or a fag, because if you are....
[editor’s note: according to current Korea Gaywatch Project data, YY is not as of yet suspected of being a gay homosexual]

Rocksteady: she's not all that pretty but certainly most guys would do her hard. She has a cute little rack and a butt built to take ferocious beatings in stride.

Forgotit: Exactly!!!!! Like I was saying 10 miles on a hard road or something like that pretty. When I think about all that stuff bottled up inside me, I just want to tear something apart, make sweat as much me. Opps, yeah she is fine isn't she!

[Editor’s Note: Forgotit does seem to find his inspiration from a muse far beyond the understanding of most mortal men (and grammarians). Readers may find it best to approach his works as a stream of consciousness that one must not struggle too hard to understand, but simply flow with while absorbing the imagery.]

Rocksteady: well, the truth is I would beat the living hell out of her. Death by sperm overdose for her or dehydration for me. Somebody is going to give up the ghost!

Forgotit: Yeah, and it might as well be me. Just like kick starting a Honda, you got to beat on it a while---leave it alone and go back and kick it some more.

Rocksteady: I think it's wise to fuck the pee out of them all. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing hard

[editor’s note: you ARE writing all this down, right? This is from a man of extensive ‘ho experience. Imagine living in Korea for 20+ years spending most of your free time in "entertainment districts" like Songtan and Itaewon. He literally wrote the book on the subject.]

Forgotit: Damn boy, your just as every bit as a Rascal as me, nice to meet me? Lets see if we can contact her Agent and see if we can both have lunch with her one day for a little sandwitch action, I got "Top Stop", I aways get top stop in these special situations!

Rocksteady: she's got three holes and there's only two of us. We ought to be able to work out the details. We'll have our lawyers hash out the fine details. Bring plenty of gatorade. We're going to do this little bitch hard and mean. Don't worry, she'll love it.

Forgotit: Nah! now that you mention it my Evil Twin Brother, Chuck, will be in Hollywood for a Script Reading for a part for "Iron Sheep, Determined Farm Boy". Maybe we can fit him in somewhere, but we better let him go last. See he kinda hard on the little things, and they ain't must [much?] to look at when he is done. That stupid shit use to ruin many of Prom Nights for some unwilling Juniors and Seniors Varsity Cheerleaders, the top notch shit. Lets see, I think it is 24 years and counting, that stupid clown still slips in the parties.

Now that I think of it screw him, I'm tired of that clown in my shadows. Hell I'll fill in for him, just like dealing cards, got make them know they are being dealt with right! I bring what I got, you make sure your doing your end right, and none of that screwing the pouch wiening either, I like mine to screeming like a Banchee.

Rocksteady: bring along some batteries and cables. We'll keep YY on her toes while she's curling ours.

YY: You often tell about sperm in your messages and you are very interested in people eating sperm.
So , i have question.
Do americans eat sperm as a meal?
Is there a sperm can in the market?
How do you cook it?
Boil it with little sugar,and oil in the pot?

Rocksteady: Very relevant questions: here are the answers.
1. I am only interested in girls eating my goo, not anyone else's.
2. American girls (like all other girls) sometimes eat the goo as a meal. Yes, thta is true. It is supposed to be fat free and hugh in protein.
3.There is no sperm can on the market that I know of but this is more a question for a cumsucker.
4. You don't need to cook it. It;'s already cooked at 98.6 degrees F. Just roll it on your tongus and take it in one gulp. No fair dribbleing either.
5. No sugar or oil or pots necessary. You may drink it straight from the tap.

Rocksteady [repost] Sorry about the earlier mis-spelled words etc. here it is again cleaned up for the masses.

1. I am only interested in girls eating my goo, not anyone else's.

2. American girls (like all other girls) sometimes eat the goo as a meal. Yes, that is true. It is supposed to be fat free and high in protein.

3.There is no sperm can on the market that I know of but this is more a question for a cumsucker. Ask Rose, PMB Or McGhoul this one.

4. You don't need to cook it. It;'s already cooked at 98.6 degrees F.
Just roll it on your tongus and take it in one gulp. No fair dribbleing either.

5. No sugar or oil or pots necessary. You may drink it straight from the tap. Good luck and good guzzling! I'm sure you'll do well and have plenty of donators available to practise on.

[I included both Rocksteady’s original post on the “goo issue” and his corrected repost as I thought it might be of value to literary scholars interested in a more complete textual analysis.]

Well, I think that should be enough for you all to digest for some time. Be sure to return to the Forum for next week’s debate (topic: Sociopolitical Analysis on the Generative Mechanism of the Korean Welfare State Abstract and whether or not YY is wearing any panties).

Some more tidbits coming soon...