The Secret! A-ha!

Funniest thing I've seen all month:



'You should visualize them back!"


A friend of mine read The Secret last February and gushed on and on about it. She said that now that she has The Secret, she KNEW that she should quit her company and try to get into law school (she hated her job).

A month later I heard from her again. She had a back injury that put her in a number of hospitals (including a famous acupuncture 'hospital', but we'll save that trip down quackery lane for a future post) and is still a big problem for her now. She was in too much pain to study for law school, so she gave up on it. She'll have to resign from her company if she isn't able to get back to work soon (about a year is all they will give her off from work). She started going back to work a week ago even though she is still in a lot of pain.

So clearly The Secret has worked out pretty well for her.

My theory is that the acupuncturists at the hospital she ended up going to were also reading The Secret, and visualized thousands of suckers suddenly having back problems and coming to their clinic for months and months of expensive therapy. Their visualization Kung Fu simply overrode that of my friend.




Something like that also might explain why Song Hye Kyo still hasn't slept with me, despite the fact that I've visualized such for several weeks now.


Perhaps too many other Secret readers have made this same "demand on the universe," and I just need to wait my turn patiently.

Oh, but she WILL be mine...



Second funniest thing I've seen all month:



"Gonna kick some ass with my own pipe wrench!"

Great vocals. I would love to see this same thing done with some cheesy heavy metal videos from the 80s.

Open Letter to Dokdoisours

Link me you whore! Link me NOW!

And if you think you have HALF the zeal for Dokdo's absolute Coreanness as I do, you are seriously, if not fatally, mistaken. Have you ever asked yourself why I don't update so often these days? YOU try to type a post with only 3 working fingers and 7 bloody stumps! That's how we play on THIS side of the EAST Sea, mo fo!

PS. I keep getting the emails I wrote you (all 84 of them) returned to me. You might want to check your spelling on the 'suck_on_it@not_a_real_address.com' email address you posted.

Finally, this is a video that I made to show the softer side of my love for The Rocks. I played the piano for this piece also, which was no easy feat (see above).

Did you know that there's a mailbox on Dokdo?

Guns and Roses

If you only watch one Guns and Roses video this year, let it be this one.



I never saw them live, but I did see one of their concerts on MTV. Axel Rose didn't sing quite as well as he did in the above video.

Seriously.

Still waiting for that new Axel Rose solo CD to come out. Should be any year now.

God Damns Jun-Koo BAK

The people have a right to know.

Summary of Jun-Koo BAK

Birthday(Lunar): 24 Jul 1935
Height: 173 cm; 5'7"
Weight: 68kg; 150 lb

Skills: Make others suffer from him; Make others scare of him; Make others hate him; Make others angry with him; Put others glory on himself as if hiw own when he spoke of others success and wealth; He is keen on telling lies; keen on threating others; making others slave for him by force but he himself knows nothing and does nothing.

Residence: Busan, South Korea

Interests: Abuse, Alcohol, sex, violence

Hobbies: Threats relatives, beats close relatives, abuse maid, blame others always, never repent, never apology, never self-exam, do nothing at all but using the others to pay for his expenses

Attributes: Sin, mental disorder, horrible manner, disgusting behaviour, full of hatred in his blood & etc

Sloganizer

Found this old post saved as a draft. After prayerful consideration, I decided to post it even though some of the blogs it mentions are now gone or transmogrified into something else.

Seouliva turned me on to the sloganizer. Type in your blog name and it comes up with a slogan. Here's the best I came up with for me bloog.

Pure Pooper, Pure Power

Better than 'Dynamic Wellbeing of Blog'? Maybe not, but not bad.

Typed in some other blogs around the 'hood. Some of the better results:

Big Hominid
'Don't play with fire, play with Big Hominid'
Go farther with Big Hominid
'I wish I was a Big Hominid'
        [who doesn't?]

About Joel
Joel can do
You better get inside Joel
    [Hey, I'm just reporting on what it said]
I quit smoking with Joel
     [Nomad, take notice]

Lost Nomad

Lost Nomad: To hell with the rest
          ['nuff said]

Marmot's Hole
Marmot's Hole: You see this name, you think dirty
         [Again, I'm just reporting results here]
Feel good with Marmot's Hole
         [Not going to touch this one...]
I want Marmot's Hole and I want it now!
       [starting to realize why Robert wanted to change the name of his megablog a while back...]

Cathartidae
My way is Carthartidae
       [good ring to that one]

igot2shoes
Call a friend, I got 2 shoes
The igot2shoes effect

Mayhaps in the near (if not extremely distant) future I'll find and post the missing link to the sloganizer and try a few more blog names that are dear to my heart. Being an even more half-assed post than my usual offerings of late, I might even throw in some random pictures of scantily-clad females, just to soothe the raging masses.

Name this Differently Abled Korean

Update: And we have a winner of the first (and possibly last) Name this Differently Abled Korean contest. Joshua/iouse of The Western Confucian fame nailed it with the answer of Seo Kyoung-duk. A porterhouse steak will be promptly eaten on his behalf (medium-rare, unless otherwise requested).

Feeling generous, I've decided to give consolation prizes to the other two people who commented on this post: A Wendy's single with cheese for 'anonymous' who came very close to guessing at least the family name (the odds were with you, but that's how it goes sometimes), and finally, an Arby's beef and cheddar to the Nomad. True, he didn't even venture a guess, but hey, this is the Nomad we're talking about here and besides, Arby's is having a 4 beef and cheddars for $5 special right now.

As always, here at the Party Pooper everyone is a winner.

So back to the DAK of the day/month/year or whatever it will end up being. Seo Kyoung-duk is the 'Korea Publicist' who uses his own money to put ads in publications such as the New York Times informing all Americans of the Dokdo issue. He is now promoting a documentary on that Rock of All Rocks called, Hi, Dokdo, which he hopes to unleash on international film festivals.

Yes, the title is 'Hi, Dokdo'. Can't get much more differently abled than that.

In the article, Kyoung-duk is referred to as an 'active Korea publicist'. I like that. It definitely sounds a lot better than 'a 34 year-old unemployed single man who still lives with his mother'.

A choice quote from the article

The Washington Post’s advertising department also contacted Seo, saying ads in that paper would also have a far-reaching effect. "Advertisers must queue up for a spot in a major daily like the Post. Why would they call me? I felt such a sense of accomplishment," Seo said.

I think Seo needs to answer his own question: Yes, why WOULD they call you? Is it really because they feel the Dokdo issue is that important? Or could it be that the print newspaper industry has been in a downward spiral for the last decade to the point that they have to go out and aggressively solicit advertising, especially from people willing to pay for entire page spreads? Sounds to me like they know a sucker when they see one.

Here is the Hi, Dokdo! website. Most of it is still under construction, but you can click here to learn the rich Korean history about Dokdo that sites like this try in vain to counter, constantly resorting to the low tactic of trying to confuse readers with a barrage of unillogical facts. Shameless.

The title of this piece (and the last paragraph) suggests that Koreans put up a new building every time Japan provokes them on the issue of the island's sovereignty. You can always count on the Chosun Ilbo to come out with the most batshit insane 'solution' in these types of 'national crises'.

Okay then.

Original Post

ROK Drop runs a regular 'Korea Finder' contest every now and then. I'd like to steal and improve on that idea by running a 'Name this Differently Abled Korean' competition.



The first person to name this differently abled Korean will have a US beef hamburger (or any other beef product) eaten in their name (by me) from the fast food restaurant of his or her choice (except McDonald's).

Half-assed post for July: Why Jeolla Province Sucks

Jelly of the famous "I've Got Two Shoes; What the Hell do YOU got, Bitch?" blog (typed the blog name from memory; it may be "I Got" rather than "I've Got") has sent a comment demanding a new post and so here I am. By the way, be sure to see her recent post on pork rectum. You're my kind of girl, Jelly.

Currently I'm in the States so perhaps that is why Corea hasn't been on my mind so much. (mental note: write an extremely angry to Blogspot for having a spell checker which tells me 'Corea' is spelled incorrectly. Japanese dick-sucking Nazis...) I'm conducting research which basically consists of me sitting in a room eating roughly 20 pounds of American beef a day with the windows and door shut and a large fan running nonstop. It's Day 17 now and I'm still alive and relatively sane. The formal research question is, "Is a significant portion of Coreans really as dumb as we think?" I haven't run the statistics yet, but thus far, the empirical evidence seems to be suggest yes.

Jelly, as I recall, lives down in Busan. I've lived there before and I think it's a nice enough place. The weather is nice, no yellow dust, and the food is good. Gyeongsang Province men can sometimes be uncultured, obnoxious dicks, but usually in a good natured way. I'd rate the province a B+ overall.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Now let's talk about Jeolla Province.

What a hole.

Gyeongsang people detest Jeolla people (and vice-versa). One might question why this should be so, as on the surface they seem to be quite similar. Some researchers conclude that it is just a natural rivalry between neighboring provinces, while others point to recent Korean history in which most people in power in Korea were from the Gyeongsang Province and they neglected to develop Jeolla Province during Korea's economic buildup. However, the majority opinion among experts is that Jeolla people are just a huge collection of very low-self esteem, hot-headed dicks.

Jeolla has been a loser region for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Way back the Korean peninsula was divided into three kingdoms: Goguryeo, Silla, and Baekje. For a time, Silla was the dominant region and controlled the peninsula, and then later Goguryeo achieved dominance. Baekje, located in the area where modern Jeolla can be found, never even came close to ruling the peninsula. Baekje thus was the weakest part of a country that itself was historically dominated at one time by every country in Eastern Asia. So basically one could think of the Baekje-Jeolla region as having the status of a prison bitch's bitch.

Jeolla Province: The Korea of Korea.

Nearly all of Korea's historical achievements were made by Koreans from somewhere other than Jeolla. Jeolla folk's propensity for fucking up is astounding. In the Korean War, they were the only people dumb enough to think that maybe communism was the way to go. Doopid.

Want something to do that will only take about 30 seconds? Make a list of famous Koreans who came from Jeolla Province.

Actually, if you took the whole 30 seconds, there's probably something wrong with you.

Want to see my list? Here it is.

1. Kim Dae Jung

2. Robert Kim.


That's it. A president best known for the disastrous Sunshine Policy which kept the North Korean despots in power for absolutely nothing in return, and a Korean-American caught selling military secrets back to Korea. That's the best they can do.

Just go to the wikipedia entry for Jeolla and read all of the people listed in 'Notable Personalities' .

Yeah, I'd never heard of that guy either.


Quick! Name all the top tourist sites in Korea!

See? Not one of the places on your list is anywhere near Jeolla (unless for some reason you put 'Someplace with a shitload of rice paddies and really angry protesters' on your list).

But to end on a positive note, I once went to Yeosu and we bought some pears and they were OK.

Now with this kind of well-researched post, I hereby formerly request that the good people at ROKdrop blog move my site link over to the 'Scholarly Korean' bloglist.

See y'all in August. I'll be sure and eat a juicy Black Angus steak for every one of you in the meantime.